A
female
age
26-29,
*rixie66
writes:Me and my fiancé have been together for about 22 months. The beginning was perfect, as it always is.However, since I moved in with him, the novelty of our relationship wore off and things haven’t been the same between us. He is totally in denial but I had a bad gut instinct from day one. I just don’t feel like he loves me, he isn’t as attentive, he’s become quite selfish in the things he does...even down to the music we listen to on a car journey, it always has to be his choice. If we spend a day together we have our backs turned against one another and are on our phones, and when a better offer comes up, for example “washing his brothers car” he’s suddenly full of life and rearing to go, he can’t wait to get away.The same goes for me. I constantly doubt us, “he doesn’t love me”, “I don’t feel the love from him”, “he’s with me for the sake of it” and now when I bring this up he just rolls his eyes at me and says we’re perfect, I’m going to be his wife, have his children and he keeps looking at houses we’re going to be buying in the future..:he keeps blaming my low mood on lockdown. It’s like he brushes how I’m feeling under the carpet and it’s making me feel depressed. I don’t even look forward to him coming home from work anymore and prefer being on my own (I work; but on the opposite days to him) but then sometimes I get real pangs of love for him and think to myself “how could I ever think about leaving him?” Which lasts for a few hours until he does something to irritate me like promise to spend time with me and then make plans with his family or time on his car last minute. I just never trust him, he says one thing and does another. And he’s never truthful about the way he feels, I doubt he’d tell me if he was unhappy with the relationship, he’d just plod along with it like he did his previous relationship, until she left him. He does lovely things for me like supports me while I complete my degree for my career, buys me lunch all the time, drives me to work as I don’t drive. But something really feels missing, it’s like the gestures are empty. I really can’t put my finger on it.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2021): If you believe fawning over you and constantly smothering you in attention is love; let me give you a BIG dose of reality...IT'S NOT! Why can't he go see his family and spend some quality-time in a different atmosphere, with the other people he loves?
Everybody feels depressed, because sadness is a condition of life. Everyone feels anxious from time to time. That's part of our range of human emotions. We manage our emotions and impulses with maturity, common sense, and self-control. We don't go running to a therapist to whine and ask for a pill to numb our feelings. You are meant to feel. A qualified doctor can tell you if you're clinically-depressed; after giving you the proper medical and psychological evaluation. Don't assume every-time life isn't giving you everything you want, and you're unhappy; that you're suffering from clinical depression! That's a real illness!
Love is not traipsing through meadows of daisies hand-in-hand all-day, or constantly breathing down each-other's necks! If you're both always on your phones, then make a pact to spend time together with the phones in a drawer! Minimize complaining! He's not marrying you to be constantly on a backbreaking-mission to prove that he loves you. That's where trust comes in. Nobody can continuously gush romance like a fountain! Marrying you is not enlistment into a lifelong laborious role of killing himself to make you feel happy 24/7!!!
Love can be transmitted back and forth between you, even when he's not sitting next to you. If you're busy finding fault, because you're not getting the Hollywood movie-version of love; then you're missing out on the real thing! You're looking for fantasy/fairytale romance; which poorly imitates real-life. Too much imaginary-love is suspect...that's when you should wonder!
Let me educate you, my dear. You can feel affection for your mate when he's present and when he's away. Even when he's hanging with his brother, you're in his heart and on his mind. You have to give yourselves time to miss each-other. He will tire of entertaining your whims, and catering to your moods! He has to come-up for air!
He says "we're perfect!" He means we know each-other, we're established, we don't always fight, and he doesn't want anybody else. You want everyday to be like when you first met. You say the novelty has warn-off? That's not the case. You're now back in the realm of reality. Cloud9 has dissipated! You're two grown-ups; living adult-lives. Not a couple of teenagers; although there will be times love will overtake you in waves, and you will feel puppy-love between you! These feelings come in spells and randomly. That's what makes them so sweet!
Love is patience, passion, gratitude, being affectionate spontaneously, being selfless, watching each-other's backs, being supportive, telling the truth, and building trust day by day. It is not like sappy soap opera drivel, or phony TV movie romance.
It's also boring. It gets lopsided at times. Sometimes it hides itself. It's real stuff. You get angry and make up, you do nice things out of your heart, and you'll give your partner room to breathe. You'll feel stifled, and need to breathe!
If you have to question how much he loves you all the time; maybe you're projecting. Maybe it's you who doesn't really love him; and you're placing all the responsibility and blame on him to "MAKE YOU feel love!" Like a spoiled-child! Who's only content or will only behave; if she's constantly pampered, entertained, and given presents. Before you become a wife and mother, please be sure to get a good grasp on reality. You ain't seen nothin' yet!!! You may need to postpone the wedding and pushing out babies; until you complete the process of growing-up!
If there is any doubt in your mind about getting married; I strongly recommend that you DON'T!!! Gut-feelings aren't always right. They're sometimes baseless suspicions; and they may come from paranoia, insecurity, and even guilt!!! If he blames your feelings on confinement from covid; humor him, and consider that possibility. If he decides you're too high-maintenance, he just might be the one to tell you "he's" the one feeling depressed. That's when the novelty has worn-off!
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (5 April 2021):
 1. You say you never trust him. That doesn't bode well, OP And it's a good reason for NOT getting married and NOT be dating this guy.
2. He dismisses your feelings. Tell you everything is fine. Because it's easier than LISTENING to what you have to say. Easier than to DO anything that YOU might require of him.
3. You are NEVER his top priority. You say he promises to do something with you but breaks it mist times to spend time with family instead.
4. You don't feel loved or appreciated by him.
ALL these are VALID points. And they should tell you that it's NOT working. Getting married to this guy would be a BIG mistake. Getting married will NOT change who he is and how he behaves.
You have high expectations of him to make YOU feel a certain way and he doesn't know how or why he should. You two are not good at communication and HE is also not good at relationships. I think he believes that you get INTO a relationship and then that's it. That is all the "work" you have to do from then on. That is really not how it works. You have to invest, reinvest and work ALL through a relationship and marriage to keep it going. It's like a vintage car. You can't just presume it will ALWAYS work.
You know what's missing, you are just not ready to end this "relationship".
Sorry, OP your relationship is dead in the water. You want different things from a relationship. You have no trust in him and he isn't what you really want.
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