A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My situation is a complicated one. I have been dating a wonderful man for just over 2 years. I am 30 yrs. old and he's 29. I have 2 beautiful daughters from a previous relationship ages 10 and 11. My boyfriend has always wanted to be a commercial pilot. The cheapest way to obtain his license is to enlist with the Air Force. He has recently been offered to enlist and must let them know soon. Unfortunately he must first obtain a university degree currently he only has a college degree) which will take 3 years and the air force will pay him to obtain this. After that, he must train to be a pilot for 2 yrs which will be in another city (long distance). After all that, he then owes them 7 years of service.I have told him that I will stand by him and wait but our problem is that he also wants children of his own. He will not be in a position to get married and have children for at least another 6 years. I told him that I am not willing to start having more children at the age of 35+ and that if he wants a family that I would want to start in the next year or 2 with him by my side raising the children together - 50/50. I've already raised 2 children by myself and I am not prepared to have more children unless he is willing to do this with me. Sure I can get pregnant now and raise the kids for him, but that's not what having children is about - it's about being involved and watching them grow up.I will add that my own children will be graduating by the time he's ready to start a family which I am having a hard time with. I also have some medical problems from the past (couple of surgeries to remove pre-cancerous cells in the cervix and I have lost one tube to a tubal pregnancy) that I believe would only pose more problems the older I get if trying to get pregnant.So I guess my question is - is there any hope for our relationship or should I just let him go. I believe that in order for our relationship to work that we both have to be willing to compromise and so far I feel like I'm the only one who is expected to do the compromising. Either I wait for him to finish his education and training and then have his children when he's ready to start (even if I'm 40 yrs. old) or I just quit on our relationship altogether. I truly love this man, but also love myself. I spent 5 years alone finding "myself" after I broke up with my daughters' father before I allowed myself to involve another man in my life. So this really hurts.Any advice or alternative solutions would be much appreciated and considered. To date, I have told my boyfriend not to contact me until he makes a clear decision in this matter as I do not wish to invest more time and emotions in a relationship if it is not going anywhere.
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broke up, cervix, cheap, university, want children Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2007): i love my husband but im not sure im in love with him anymore. hes a really great guy im just not sure hes the one for me, weve only been married five months but im not sure this is the life i want im only 21 and there is so much more id love to do with my life. what should i do i dont wanna hurt him but im not sure its gonna work. i feel so bad hes never done anything wrong.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI realize that I may have left a few things out but only because I felt my question was already quite long.
Yes I knew from the beginning that my bf wanted to be pilot - but not a commercial pilot nor was the air force in the picture. He has been working towards his private licence all on his own for the past few years. It was only a year into our relationship that he advised me that he enlisted with the Air Force to become a pilot as he wanted to fly commercial airplanes (he did not consult with me prior to enlisting). It took a long time to hear back from the Air Force and only recently has he been accepted. But the uncertaintly of our relationship has been burdening me for a little over a year now. That's how long he's been avoiding to make this decision even though I've talked with him several times. He told me a few months ago that he'd look into other options (like getting his licence on his own but apparently that's just too expensive for him).
As for having children - it's not something I need. In fact I was against having anymore children until he came along. I would love to have children with him if he wanted & I believe that he's make a terrific father someday.
My own life challenges have left me to be quite a strong person. In fact sometimes too strong & independent that I never wanted a man to complete my life - it just happened that I found this extremely wonderful man who treats me & my daughters with respect.
To answer your last question I would have to say "yes" I do wish that my boyfriend was someone he's not. What I mean is, I wish he never had this drive & passion to be a pilot so badly. He had a great job before (worked as a computer IT at our city hall office making good $) with great hours which would allow him to be the family man that he wants to be someday. I suggested that he keep flying as a just a "hobby" but he wants to be a commercial pilot. He may very well risk one passion for another (family life for career) & he's scared of making the wrong decision and regretting it later in life.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSam23,
I realize that I may have left a few things out but only because I felt my question was already quite long.
Yes I knew from the beginning that my bf wanted to be pilot - but not a commercial pilot nor was the air force in the picture. He has been working towards his private licence all on his own for the past few years. It was only a year into our relationship that he advised me that he enlisted with the Air Force to become a pilot as he wanted to fly commercial airplanes (he did not consult with me prior to enlisting). It took a long time to hear back from the Air Force and only recently has he been accepted. But the uncertaintly of our relationship has been burdening me for a little over a year now. That's how long he's been avoiding to make this decision even though I've talked with him several times. He told me a few months ago that he'd look into other options (like getting his licence on his own but apparently that's just too expensive for him).
As for having children - it's not something I need. In fact I was against having anymore children until he came along. I would love to have children with him if he wanted & I believe that he's make a terrific father someday.
My own life challenges have left me to be quite a strong person. In fact sometimes too strong & independent that I never wanted a man to complete my life - it just happened that I found this extremely wonderful man who treats me & my daughters with respect.
To answer your last question I would have to say "yes" I do wish that my boyfriend was someone he's not. What I mean is, I wish he never had this drive & passion to be a pilot so badly. He had a great job before (worked as a computer IT at our city hall office making good $) with great hours which would allow him to be the family man that he wants to be someday. I suggested that he keep flying as a just a "hobby" but he wants to be a commercial pilot. He may very well risk one passion for another (family life for career) & he's scared of making the wrong decision and regretting it later in life.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSam23,
I realize that I may have left a few things out but only because I felt my question was already quite long enough.
Yes I knew from the beginning that my boyfriend wanted to be pilot - but not a commercial pilot nor was the air force in the picture. He has been working towards his private licence all on his own for the past few years. It was only a year into our relationship that he advised me that he enlisted with the Canadian Air Force to become a pilot as he wanted to fly commercial air planes (he did not consult with me prior to enlisting). So it took a long time to hear back from the Air Force and only recently has he been accepted. But the uncertaintly of our relationship has been burdening me for a little over a year now. That's how long he's been avoiding to make this decision even though I've talked with him several times. He told me a few months ago that he'd look into other options (like getting his licence on his own but apparently that's just too expensive for him).
As for having children - it's something I need. In fact I was against having anymore children until he came along. I would love to have children with him if he wanted & I believe that he's make a terrific father someday.
My own life challenges have left me to be quite a strong person. In fact sometimes too strong & independent that I never wanted a man to complete my life - it just happened that I found this extremely wonderful man who treats me & my daughters with respect.
To answer your last question I would have to say "yes" I now do wish that my boyfriend was someone he's not. What I mean is, I wish he never had this drive & passion to be a pilot so badly. He had a great job before (worked as a computer IT at our city hall office making good $) with great hours which would allow him to be the family man that he wants to be someday. I suggested that he keep flying as a just a "hobby" but he wants to be a commercial pilot. He may very well risk one passion for another (family life for career) & he's scared of making the wrong decision and regretting it later in life.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSam23,
I realize that I may have left a few things out but only because I felt my question was already quite long enough.
Yes I knew from the beginning that my boyfriend wanted to be pilot - but not a commercial pilot nor was the air force in the picture. He has been working towards his private licence all on his own for the past few years. It was only a year into our relationship that he advised me that he enlisted with the Canadian Air Force to become a pilot as he wanted to fly commercial air planes (he did not consult with me prior to enlisting). So it took a long time to hear back from the Air Force and only recently has he been accepted. But the uncertaintly of our relationship has been burdening me for a little over a year now. That's how long he's been avoiding to make this decision even though I've talked with him several times. He told me a few months ago that he'd look into other options (like getting his licence on his own but apparently that's just too expensive for him).
As for having children - it's something I need. In fact I was against having anymore children until he came along. I would love to have children with him if he wanted & I believe that he's make a terrific father someday.
My own life challenges have left me to be quite a strong person. In fact sometimes too strong & independent that I never wanted a man to complete my life - it just happened that I found this extremely wonderful man who treats me & my daughters with respect.
To answer your last question I would have to say "yes" I now do wish that my boyfriend was someone he's not. What I mean is, I wish he never had this drive & passion to be a pilot so badly. He had a great job before (worked as a computer IT at our city hall office making good $) with great hours which would allow him to be the family man that he wants to be someday. I suggested that he keep flying as a just a "hobby" but he wants to be a commercial pilot. He may very well risk one passion for another (family life for career) & he's scared of making the wrong decision and regretting it later in life.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Sam23,
I realize that I may have left a few things out but only because I felt my question was already quite long enough.
Yes I knew from the beginning that my boyfriend wanted to be pilot - but not a commercial pilot nor was the air force in the picture. He has been working towards his private licence all on his own for the past few years. It was only a year into our relationship that he advised me that he enlisted with the Canadian Air Force to become a pilot as he wanted to fly commercial air planes (he did not consult with me prior to enlisting). So it took a long time to hear back from the Air Force and only recently has he been accepted. But the uncertaintly of our relationship has been burdening me for a little over a year now. That's how long he's been avoiding to make this decision even though I've talked with him several times. He told me a few months ago that he'd look into other options (like getting his licence on his own but apparently that's just too expensive for him).
As for having children - it's something I need. In fact I was against having anymore children until he came along. I would love to have children with him if he wanted & I believe that he's make a terrific father someday.
My own life challenges have left me to be quite a strong person. In fact sometimes too strong & independent that I never wanted a man to complete my life - it just happened that I found this extremely wonderful man who treats me & my daughters with respect.
To answer your last question I would have to say "yes" I now do wish that my boyfriend was someone he's not. What I mean is, I wish he never had this drive & passion to be a pilot so badly. He had a great job before (worked as a computer IT at our city hall office making good $) with great hours which would allow him to be the family man that he wants to be someday. I suggested that he keep flying as a just a "hobby" but he wants to be a commercial pilot. He may very well risk one passion for another (family life for career) & he's scared of making the wrong decision and regretting it later in life.
...............................
A
female
reader, Sam23  +, writes (23 January 2007):
Hi there,
It sounds as if you want to support your boyfriend in his dream to become a pilot but feel that if he takes this opportunity it will mean the end of your relationship because you do not want to raise any children you might have together by yourself.
But you mention that your boyfriend has always wanted to be a pilot, which is a notoriously demanding job - so why then did you decide to start a relationship with this man, knowing what he wanted to become?
You do not mention whether you yourself would like to have more children, although it sounds like you would be prepared to do this for his sake - even though he is not in a position to get married. Do you feel that a child would confirm your relationship and force your boyfriend to settle down?
It sounds like you've had a difficult time recently, due to surgery and it must have been challenging raising two children without a partner. How have these challenges left you feeling towards life? - Are you feeling strong or vulnerable?
Sometimes, people believe they need to settle down in order to get security but without being ready themsevles choose partners who would find this difficult for one reason or another. Do you secretly wish your boyfriend was someone he is not?
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