A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I posted before about a have a problem that is causing me a lot of distress and since then things have got worse. I've been with my partner for 6 years now, during which time I have supported him through all sorts of problems, including a messy acrimonious divorce. He has always been 'difficult' but can also be loving, generous, loyal and so on.However he is scared to make a commitment again because he lost a lot during his divorce so we do not live together.I've always known he can be a big ignorant and intolerant at times but I thought (stupidly I suppose!) that I could 'change' him or make him see things differently.Anyhow, recently he seems to be showing more nasty behavioural traits, much worse than ever before, including outright racist comments. I have 3 children from my marriage, which ended 11 years ago. My 3 children are all mixed race as my ex partner was black. My current partner has always disapproved that I had children with someone from outside my culture and has made comments about it in the past but I just put it down to jealousy or some such.Recently, one of my daughters started seeing a guy who she really likes and he is a mixed race guy and my partner went mad and said he does not want black in laws, would never move in with us if it meant there are going to be black in laws around .... and he even used a couple of very racist insults. I was stunned at his level of anger and at what he was saying because I always reasoned that he knew I had mixed race children when we got together so he must be ok with it.I was wondering if he his having some sort of nervous breakdown as he has changed a lot since his divorce became final and he seems very bitter. He is also rude about women, using words like 'Bit*h' etc ... and generally is showing a very bigoted side to him. Or was he a nasty piece of work all along and I just missed the signs??Does anyone else have experience of this sort of thing?? My daughter is insulted and offended about this as the guy she is seeing is very nice and she pointed out that he treats her better than my partner treats me at times. My daughter is 23, sensible and at university doing a masters degree and she has always chosen nice boyfriends - she says she focuses on the personality and personal qualities of boyfriends rather than stuff like looks/colour etc ...I feel distressed at his behaviour and am really feeling quite lost. I have no idea actually what to do. I have a good job, am well educated and yet he is making me feel like a small child who knows nothing by the way he speaks to me about this ... and he never loses a chance to remind me that I went out with a 'loser' (the father of my children was not a good partner and does not support his children but I was very young at the time, I was 16 when I met him) but I find it worrying and upsetting that my new partner brings colour/race into these arguments. Any comments or insights would be very much appreciated.Thanks for your help.
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divorce, jealous, my ex, university Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (10 May 2009):
 For anyone to see another human being for only the tint of their skin or the slant of their eyes is not only stupid and ignorant.. it's pathetic, disrepectful, hateful.. I could go on and on.
Stop making excuses for him and let this one go. You can not change or "cure" the spots of a leopard nor the stupidity of racism. You know WHAT he is. Question is WHY are you still with him? You daughter is right. Pat yourself on the back a few times, because you did something really right with your child, now let her see that you can do something right for you. Dump his dumb ass.
He is still not over his anger with his first marriage but instead of working through whatever problems, he is taking them out on your and your children.. Shame on him.
A
male
reader, unclezak +, writes (10 May 2009):
He;s nasty. Leave him. He's denegrating your own kids and is a racist. ~He shouldn'y be in the force either as I imagine he'll abuse his rights unfairly.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2009): This is the poster here: Thank you for your reply. Regarding his divorce his ex wife said he insulted her and undermined her as a mother and as a wife and as a nurse (she is a nurse) and she she said he undermined her 'privately' too. She had a couple of affairs then got together with a new guy (this was about 5 years ago and she is still with her new guy) and that prompted the divorce. She said to my partner that he is 'stupid, lazy, ugly, sad' etc etc .. so a lot of insults flew between them and he used to call her a 'bit*ch* and a 'slapper' etc .. but i thought (stupidly perhaps!) that he was just angry with her about the affairs. However she said he 'drove' her to have affairs etc etc .. During the divorce he had to share half of everything with her and he is very bitter indeed about that. He works as a police officer and is very rude about some of the client groups he comes into contact with, including black people, eastern european groups etc .. I am on the other hand much more of a people person than him, I like all people and I myself am part English, part Irish, part Italian heritage and my children are mixed race and I have a wide range of friends including Italian, West Indian, English, Asian .. you name it really .. I just love people for people I don't really look at colour and stuff like he does. But his latest behaviour really upset me very much, a lot in fact. I don't understand his behaviour I think this is the problem. He said he was different before he joined the police! Not sure if this is helpful in giving any more context ... Thanks. x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2009): Dear Teacher,You have answered your own questions. Just read what you wrote.I could define it for you-Nasty piece of work (polite words used to define): Ignorant, Bigot, raciest, narrow minded, un-educated, foul mouthed, disrecpectfull, sexest pig, one step away from wearing a white sheet piece of trash, have never been good enough for you anyway want to be man.How in gods name does a woman of such stature decide that the berries on the bottom taste better than the one rippened by the sun?You know you answer and deserve no less. Your daughter knows the answer and chose better. There are times in our lives when the truth shall come from the mouths of babes. I would suggest you listen to the very wise and intelligent young woman you raised, get strength from her and for her and do what you know to be right.take care.
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A
female
reader, Legioness +, writes (10 May 2009):
 Woah, if I were you i'd boot him straight out that door with those racist comments when you have mixed race kids! That's seriously unbelievable.. Hun, really, to me he sounds like a proper pig. A key to making a relationship work is respect, and it really sounds like he doesn't have one ounce of respect for you and your kids.. Maybe he's always been like this, maybe it's his divorce that has somewhat messed him up.. Why did he get a divorce if I may ask? Was it for any reason that seems like it could connect to what he's been doing here? Personally I think you should just Tell him straight that these insults toward you and your family have to stop or he's out on his arse. x Becky x
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