A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Were now a year in to our relationship At first i couldnt believe how amazing he was. Ive definitely never loved anyone like i love him and hes like my best friend but the past 6 weeks hes been really distant and is cancelling plans. Ive always been quite a laid back person and not really over thought such things but i'm really freaking out about it and am not sure what to do. I do think out of the two of us he has more control in the relationship and i was just wondering how i regain some control?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (17 July 2014):
 in adult relationships no one is in control or charge.
the truth is that the person who cares less is the one who makes the rules...
I've been on both sides of that fence.. sometimes I'm the one who loved more... and sometimes less. I prefer to be the one that loves less. NOT saying I don't love the person just that they "love more" it's kind of hard to explain...
anyway.. you can control yourself and your actions. NOT your feelings. you can't control ANYTHING about him.
are these plans that he cancels plans HE made with you or are they plans YOU Suggested?
if these are things you initiated the first thing I would do is STOP contacting him and asking him to do things. DO these things with your friends. Be out, be busy. Be UNREACHABLE.
and see what happens. if you are the one rowing this relationship boat stop rowing. and note what happens.
If he is the one making the plans and then canceling at the last minute I would decline any plans more than 48 hours in advance saying.. "I wish I could commit but since you've cancelled the last 3 times you've asked me to do something I'd rather not"
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (17 July 2014):
 Why should you want to control him?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2014): First of all you're two adults and shouldn't be controlling each other.
Does he cancel dates without an explanation or an apology? You really haven't given many details to work with.
If you mean you've lost track of where your relationship is heading? It may be time to have a talk with him about it. Maybe he has family-issues, or got bad news from his doctor.
You have to keep open communication with your mate at all times. You can't sit around wondering and assuming things.
You "control" yourself, not your partner.
If he's got a bug up his butt, ask him if there is anything he'd like to discuss regarding the recent cancellations?
Ask directly if he is having any issues you should know about?
As a couple you should be aware if he has any health-issues, or if his job has been more stressful than usual. Then you can offer your support and comfort.
When you're together, what do you talk about???
That's how you keep a relationship going; by "knowing" what's going on in your partner's head, and in his life. If he doesn't want to talk about it; then tell him that his behavior is making you very uncomfortable, and you feel you have a right to know if there is a problem. You need to know what is going on, in order to work with him to correct it. Don't beat around the bush, be direct.
If he's still wants to behave mysteriously and avoid talking about it; then draw your own conclusions. Maybe he's seeing someone on the side, or just losing interest in your relationship. I am not suggesting that you be accusatory and start jumping to wild conclusions.
It doesn't make sense that you don't ask him questions when you don't know what's wrong.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (16 July 2014):
 How do you regain some control?
I would remove him from the category of best friend, for a start. He's not your best friend if he's distant, canceling plans and not telling you why.
I would get very busy with the people who love you and want only the best for you, friends and family, your very best friends.
This guy is not in that category.
I would ask him if there is something going on with him that is causing him to be distant and unreliable.
If he is a best friend type, he should be able to tell you.
If he doesn't, can't or won't, well, I would go on high alert and stop being so accommodating and generous to him.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (16 July 2014):
 You can regain control of yourself, your emotions, but not in the relationship because love is a partnership and you are both equal. You try to talk to him and find out why he is distant, listen to his reasons and then find out if any problems can be solved. If not, then it is fair that he lets you know so you won't waste time in this. Some people are not good at break ups. His behavior could be seen as cowardly. Either he does not know how to communicate his needs, or he feels that whatever is lacking in the relationship can't be fixed. Do not take it personally. You deserve an amazing person just as much as him. Remember men are not looking for perfection because they are not perfect themselves. It is important that you don't have this mindset that you need approval to feel worthy of love. You are equally a judge whether a person's character is right for you.
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