A
female
age
41-50,
*unystar4
writes:Hello all. I wanted to ask this question and hope for many replys so I can show my mom bias views. My mom has underminded me several times when it comes to my children. I have always saw her as my bestest friend ever. I am always honest with her. When I was a child, I saw my mom as a beautiful angel who did no wrong. Things have changed in the last several years. The main 2 things done recently: I have a son who has constantly had behavior issues and gets in trouble alot. I do not like spanking my kids. I would rather teach them consequence that life will bring when they are adults. Losing privledges and freedom. I had gotten the kids cell phones. When they did not do their chores or got in trouble, I took them away. My daughter is 11 months younger than my son and at the time, rarely had any problems. She got an upgraded phone from my X-husband, her dad. My son had gotten in so much trouble so many times, I took his phone away for good, (unless he changed drastically and earned it back with good grades.) My mom was aware of this. She sometimes thinks I am to harsh with the kids, but I have alot of spoiled in the early years correction to do. His bday was coming up and he asked my mom if she would get him a prepaid phone. Next thing I know, he is texting me from a new phone number during his bday date with her. She got him a brand new hi-tech phone with all the extra's. I was very upset. First, I feel she should have called me and asked if any type of phone was ok. Second, He had his 1st phone taken away (which I was still paying monthly service for) and she was aware of that and his behavior issues in school and at home. When I expressed my disapproval for going behind my back, she threw a fit. She has been critical of me more and more each year. I am a tough cookie and stand up for what I believe and confront issues instead of ignoring. I do not like to just settle for what is thrown at me, I seek more and fight for more. This was a good trait when I had to battle for my life at the age of 25. As we argued about it and she critisized my parenting skills, she made excuses and then told me she would keep the phone at her house and he could use it freely when he was there. She also lets the kids get on the inet which I don't like due to the predators out there and things I have caught them looking at. I feel that she underminded me as a parent for self-validation with my children. So she could be the main woman in my son's life. I tried to tell her this is more than a bday gift from you, this is reinforcing that he can do whatever and get his way in the end. She says she has been like the second mother. When they were young, she would help babysit them so I could work. She seems to think she raised them, when my X and I remember how we rotated our shifts and days off to keep our kids with loved ones. We both recall an average of 3 days a week for about 3 hours. He worked 1st shift and was home at 5 and I worked 2nd shift having to be there at 3. She was a Nana who spoiled them and let them do things we did not allow in our house which caused alot of spankings from my X-husband. Anyways...here is the next major issue. Due to the divorce and joint custody, the kids have really found a way to manipulate and get away with a lot. I have to be the parent ennforcing strict ways, hoping to prepare them for life while my X lets them run free. He is physically and verbally abusive and my son has had major problems with it. My X has turned all of the kids in his home against my son. His full blood sister and him fight like cats and dogs. After many investigations and battles, my son started to stay with me full-time. His sister said she does not want to live with him. Guess what, these 2 teenager have had full control of the situation. My daughter and I got in to a fight about her manners. My mom is completely aware of the abuse claims and supports my son in his cry. However, my daughter is a gift love language person. My mom got her a lap top for xmas against my better judgement. I gave in. But it was taken away because of my daughters new attitude and tone of voice with me. Her dad said he would get her a new phone and she wanted to go over for her time. She never came back. I did tell her during the argument, she could live with her dad and she may really see what her brother has went through. My youngest child from a second marriage was getting readyu for his first bday. My mom and I went shopping and planned on bbq and having the party at her house. She went behind my back and invited my daughter to come decorate with us and be there for the party. I had no problem with that...I had a problem that my mom did not ask how I felt about it. We got in to a huge fight. My son's bday was postponed because of all the fighting going on. I did not think it was right, so I went and got his bday stuff and picked up his cake as planned. I sent text that I was going ahead with his party at my house and all was welcomed. My mom did not come, nor did my daughter. Right before this, my daughter had her 1st JR High dance. She always waits til the last minute to tell us of her desires. I wanted her to experience that, but my mom already took control. Not telling me again of the conversation had with MY CHILD. I feel like my mom is doing things for self-validation. She is always putting me down...and I do have my own faults, but they to me are righteous and for the better of the future outcomes. I am the one who is there when the kids are sick, buying their diapers and clothes. I do the dr's, school and all other things. When my mom helps for the gkids, she throws it all up in my face. Yet, she does not see the area's I have helped her in life. Many I don't want to mention cause I don't want to erase the blessing in Heaven. Shouldn't my mom consult me about all issues regarding MY children. She threatened me to take me to court and how it would make other current issues even harder for me. I feel like my mom is jealous and instead of being proud that I have accomplished all I have set my mind too, she is critical. She is a nurse and I have wanted to follow in her footstept. She has always pushed me away from the profession....saying that I have to big of a mouth when it comes to drs giving neglected care (since I am righteous and advocate for the right thing.) My mom has changed so much. I think things that I am going thru in a relationship, hit very close to home for her but she does not want to address her deeper feelings. Regardless, is she jealous of me? Is she trying to be the "mother" in my childrens life? I almost feel like she feeds me to the wolves and wants to see me fail. With my youngest son, she hated that I was having him. She called him a brat when he was 2 weeks old. She said..YOU better tell him the truth about his bday cause I will. Well, lets do it and add the fact that she wanted me to not have him (because of extreme medical probs and a failing relationship). She treats him different and I SEE IT. What should I do? I don't feel like I am wrong. All the sites I have read all say that gparents should never go against the parents regardless of their parental views. Now if I was putting my kids well being in jeapordy, that is something else. Both men in my life that I have been married to and have children with have both said that my mom has said some really harsh things about me. I am just sad, I had to knock my mom of her pedestal in my life. She was the woman I admired the most and now, I just don't feel the same and that hurts. Any input?
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female
reader, Sunystar4 +, writes (11 October 2010):
Sunystar4 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI posted a more detail question....but I just need more bias replies. If I am a good mother working and sacrificing to give my children a good life, causing them no harm, (I am a little strict in life lessons ways) should my mother or any parent (in law) go behind my back and make decisions regarding my children without first consulting me? Especially when it is big issues affecting their future lives and the lives of others. Thank You.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2010): MonksDaBomb is better qualified than I am to answer your heart-breaking problems; I will pass this thread on to her.....
Bart.
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A
female
reader, Sunystar4 +, writes (10 October 2010):
Sunystar4 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe has threatened to take me to court and use my medical issues and hsitory of failed relationships. She knows I was in the right about my failed marriage and the one that is having problems now...and she said, "This will make it even harder on you to keep your kids if I speak up." I have never cursed my mom or called her names. After the phone incident, she screamed F... U in front of my son and hung up. She talks about my so called faults with all family members, including my children. But she also talks about every other family members problem. Sad thing is that out of the 4 kids her and my step-dad have combined, I am the one who has the hardest circumstances. My health is the major one. I am the only one I have found through tons of research that has the 14 diagnosis neurlogically that I have. She yells at me saying I spend to much time researching and learning about my situation, like she thinks I want to be sick....yet when I am facing the unknown and I need to know as much as possible. I hardly ever use my medical disablity as an excuse for anything in my life. I actually tried to better myself and go back to school to get my RN and she offered little support. I feel it is because I have out done her in almost every area and she wants to hold on to this. She even said when I fell on hard times....why should I help you when you have had nicer houses and better cars than me. Like her and my step-dad help the dysfunctional ones. I am not perfect by any means...but I stand for what my spirit feels is right. This is just so sad and heartbreaking, I have always loved my mom like no other. I always boost her esteem while she cuts me down. I make excuses for the hell we went through with her and when I give her a neat analogy about things in general, she will later use it like it was her own finding. I told her, for me to just walk away from confronting the behaviors of my children and spouse (x as well) its like I'm being asked to deny God. She just said that like it was her own. She also repeats herself alot and never lets you get a word in unless you brutally interrupt. I am worried that her battle with cancer has really affected her and she is in denial. Everything she screams at me, is transferance of her own internal issues. She went as far as this....when I was a child we went to a strict baptist church. I wanted to get baptized and when I went to the front at 7 years old...I said, "I accept Jesus as my savior and appreciate that he gave his life for me so that I may be 4given of my sins, I want to give my life back to him." The elder said I needed to quote a scripture. I said what was in my heart and truly felt. And yes, I wanted the attention of publically accepting Jesus thru baptisim. I then went a second time and quoted scripture about baptisim. I was denied and told it needed to be from my heart by another elder. I had a note card I guess from when I was a kid studying to have everlasting life. I finally got baptized this year 2010 after 4 battles with life and death. I have always felt God in my life and the feeling that I am very special and have a great purpose. During my baptisim, I was kind of upset because they did it side by side with my fiance' at the time. I had a speech ready to inspire others to come forward but was so caught off guard that I could not speak. I was a little upset and after my mom told me that she had my card from when I was a kid. She said...do u no what u wrote on it for why you wanted to be baptized....cause you were sick! I replied, maybe I knew my rare medical battle was part of my journey. After some time in prayer with God, I felt that he gave me more than I expected. I was baptized side by side with my soon to be husband and how awesome is that to share. But when she said that about my card and notes, something just did not feel right. I asked her to see the card and it has magically disappeared. I feel like she was trying to make me thing I am a lunatic. I think she needs to look in the mirror and in her soul. U should never lie to another about their relationship with God. And I do feel she has lied about it. I just feel sorry and worried for her. I just want to help her if she is really having mental changes. I was the parent in our medical battles. I was the first one to confront death and I beat it with my surrendering to Gods will. I tried to share with her all the coping skills to get through. Again, everything she shouts at me is like her inner voice shouting at her for her failures and the need to confront many issues. I hope I do not pass this type of dysfunction on to my children. I want them to be 1000x better than I am and will never be trying to keep them away from what is right or to better themselves. Thanks for listening.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2010): Was she wrong for underminding - yes! Sounds like she has some serious mental issues and that she is very jealous of you! You need to cut her out of all your lives. She needs to no her damn place.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2010): Whilst I basically agree with AuntyBimBim, I feel your first move ought to be to remonstrate with your mum and tell her that if she undermines you again she will have limited or zero access to your children. And take the new phone away - it was given without your approval and all concerned know it.
Bart.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (9 October 2010):
 You need some serious (professional) help to deal with all those issues, are you able to get some counselling or therapy happening, maybe even some family therapy. I feel there are a number of issues here that need to be dealt with and a counsellor should be able to help you work them out
Good luck, being a single mum is not an easy task!
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