A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Me and my (maybe, probably, I don't even know) ex are both 35 yo females in an LDR. Very very long distance, like 10000 miles.I was meant to visit her but recently I've been diagnosed with a very serious anxiety disorder so I'm unable to. She cancelled the flight and got a refund. I understand she was very disappointed about this but medically I have been advised not to travel due to seriously bad panic attacks.This relationship has been rocky at best from the start. I did love her, though.When it started we were in the same city pretty much and occasionally she would go quiet for a few weeks, break up with me, and tell me stuff like our relationship didn't have the qualities she wanted (vague stuff, like we didn't "sparkle") and we were over.Then she'd get back together with me 5-6 days later. This happened maybe 4 times. Then she decided she wanted to go "on an adventure" to this new country and use its prosperous economy to build capital for her business. I didn't want to go. It wasn't a discussion, it was more "I'm going".I wasn't crazy about it, but willing to try an LDR. Sometimes I don't know why. Was it fear of being alone, or did I love her that much?We got really close then through daily chats even though it was LDR, declarations of love and a future etc. There were a few incidents of her trying to end it though -- though she said they were for my benefit, so I could be "free". I did feel a lot of love for her, she said she loved me, and we planned a future together.I therefore got upset when she signed a contract to stay working in the new country for a year longer than we'd planned. She said she hadn't built up enough money. I felt hurt by that but I got it. She does want that business a lot but it would mean 2 more years apart rather than 1. She said she was doing this to build a rock solid future for us.She then went on dating websites to find gay friends in her city which I wasn't crazy about but I trusted her. I honestly don't believe she cheated, I don't think she is like that.Just before I was diagnosed with my anxiety disorder I had a massive panic attack and suddenly broke up with her. All my issues just exploded out!I have never broken up with her before, it's always been her doing it with me. Ever since then she says her trust in me is busted, she goes between saying we're together, we might be together, or we're friends.Her texts are getting shorter and less frequent. She has referred to me as her friend recently. I know the answer to this but I just need y'all to tell me: I need to let this go, right? I feel a bit maligned that she's broken up with me a zillion times and I forgave and one time I do it when I'm not myself and acutely ill seems to end everything, but eh.I don't believe she is a bad person at all. I think a lot of her. I don't mean to malign her with this post. I do love her (although I'm unsure as to if romantically and how tenable that is) and think a lot of her. I just think maybe too much has happened now (and too big a distance, for too long a time) for this to work. I think she probably is pulling away from me, too.I think we just can't communicate well. The whole thing has seemed like one misunderstanding after another!Advice and help from uninvolved people please. So mixed up. Go NC for a bit and see what happens? I dread talking to her now. It all feels so unresolved but looking at it in black and white it seems clear that this is over when I'm getting one word texts or texts with a friendly tone, and never with her initiating the conversation.How to heal from this? The whole relationship has, tbh, seemed like a weird trip at times! I think I have put up with a lot and I may not have been perfect, but it isn't my fault this anxiety disorder has happened.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2013): I'm the original poster. Thanks for your replies, guys.
WiseOwl, I'm on meds and I'm starting talking therapy. One thing though, I didn't meet her online. My relationship with her did start when we were in the same city but that's actually immaterial as to how she's treating me now anyway.
Off as a single gal to work on my own self-esteem, I think!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2013): I think it is time that you take your doctor's advice and concentrate on healing, and dealing with your anxiety disorder.Your description of this "relationship;" if you can call it that, is harmful to your emotional/psychological health. There are just too many sporadic events to offer any credibility to it. The object of your affection is in every place at the same time. She keeps you in limbo, as she seems to be living her life to it's fullest. You can't keep up!There are too many changing variables in the dynamic of your romantic connection with this person. You are too fragile to "go the distance." She is going to hospitalize you at some point. Your doctor warns you about travel. Doesn't that resonate something in your mind?Treatment for anxiety disorders usually include prescription medicine, in conjunction with psycho-therapy. You offer little to no information regarding how your condition is directly effected by this LDR; which I do suspect, has a lot to do with it. From what you explain, it isn't what you need right now. Not at all. Your therapist has got to be advising you regarding the effects of this relationship. You need to follow your course of treatment, and get out of this mess. Long distance relationships are stressful disconnected arrangements, that few people (if any)can actually prove they actually work. In my personal opinion, they're a waste of time. They only work for people that started out "together" and separated for professional reasons. Even then, long-distance separations prove stressful on "same-room" relationships. Their love, in this case, was connected before fate offered reasons for distance to come between them. At least they started out together, with a chance to form a solid emotional and physical bond within arm's reach. The test is, if they can survive the separation by distance.How can you feel intimacy for someone you met "online" living 10,000 miles away? Living only for the promise of being together "someday?" She's not a soldier on a mission in service, or temporarily on job-related travel. She's globe-trotting and building her own business, and dangling you on a promise of unproven love. Perhaps trying not to hurt you, by encouraging you with kind words. It's cruel, even if she has the best of intentions.Actual in-person connections between people in LDR's are either hit or miss; when 99.9% of the time they never even happen. So many people write this site seeking help trying to make these "make believe" relationships work. The reality is, they don't! They last as long as you want to pretend they do. I risk a lot of retaliatory rhetoric on the subject, but people try living life in a virtual existence, and end up learning things the hard way. Long-distance relationships are easy at the start, and difficult to maintain.Work on staying well and trying to learn to make more personal and concrete connections for love. You aren't built for space travel, and you should seek love and happiness within a distance easily traveled by car.Re-arrange your relationship to be a long-distance relationship between just good "friends," and let it fade away. You're not lovers until you make love. That requires you to be in the same room. Trust me, you'll find that quite rewarding.
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A
male
reader, hrangel28  +, writes (16 April 2013):
I am sorry to hear about your condition. I hope that you recuperate from this.I had a similar situation happen to me. I had a girlfriend that also moved. She didn't move 10,000. No, she only relocated about a 1,000 miles.. Anyways, we had plan out how we would visit each other. We would rotate every month. So one month it will be her turn to come where I was staying and vice a versa. That never reallywork out. We only reunited once and quess who made the trip, me. I knew from the day departed, that our relationship was over. The reason why told you this was because there is something else our experience havecommon and.that is that our communication was faded away. There would days that I would not even hear from her at all. So sorry to inform you that yes the relationship with her is over. It wasn't meant to be it wasn't meant to be Everything happens for a reason and if she left it was for a reason you guys were meant to be to let her go and you
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