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male
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anonymous
writes: Hello there! I'm asking a man advice here... I'm in such a bad situation. So a few years ago, I lost my erection, now it looks like forever. It was in a middle of an intercourse with my wife. Suddenly it collapsed and since than I slowly lost all my abilities to have sex, and my marriage is in huge danger. She is nice, but feels very bad for us too. And mainly we dont know what to do.So, it came suddenly, 2 years ago. I went for a medical, was all good, hormones fine, have night erections but i have no sexual desire, and my erections are weak or none, and never able to finish intercourse. If anybody has anything like that please tell!! Also do you think it is psychological?
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2010): Thanks for all the answers. I still don't know what else can I do ,but it is great to know some people trying to understand. If anymore ideas ,let me know.Thanks very much
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2010): If you are getting erections at night it is in your head. Physically there is nothing wrong with you. The mind is a funny thing as long as you tell yourself that you have a problem you have a problem. You have to get in touch with your mind body connection. You have been having some performance anxiety. I hope you noticed that I used the past tense and in "You have been having some performance anxiety". I'm not a doctor but I reccomend an herbal remedy which can be found at herb shops. It's called Damiana. It enhances the libido and also relaxes you. It works for women too. It can give you a little jumpstart back into getting erections on your own. A woman who is nervous can make her man nervous too. She might be nervous because she doesn't want you to get upset if it doesn't work. Tell her that you promise that you won't get upset if it doesn't work. Let her know that you need her to be relaxed to. What you both need right now is intimacy. You don't need to actually have sex to be intimate. Make out with her. Give her oral sex. Find things to do with her that are fun. If she likes to dance take her dancing for instance. When you are having fun together it takes a lot of stress off of both of you.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2010): Thanks so much,It was very smart answer from wife point . Yes I guess, it is a vicious cycle. I don't blame her that she is frustrated, but yes, she is angry. She does not know what to do about it anymore. She is looking good,and I guess,she feels wasting her prime..I still think sometimes, it is weird mystery,as I used to be the horniest guy. Do you think,is it possible it would work wit someone else? She thinks it would. But I hope she is not right. It would be terrible let down after years of suffering with my impotence. What do you think?
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female
reader, cnith  +, writes (21 April 2010):
 As a female I can tell you I've been on your wife's side of the fence. As it turns out, it wasn't necessarily all in his head. However, my reaction to the 'issue' was a big factor in getting things on track.
The first time this happened with a bf I was young and he was a suffocating idiot anyway but I reacted badly. I was upset and told him he couldn't do anything until he fixed his problem. I knew it wasn't me. But it was. By getting all upset, angry, frustrated, etc. and blaming him, I was basically setting us up for failure. He ended up being a stalker instead, so he was creepy.
The next time I encountered the same situation I was older and calmer. I said it was fine and to just relax, not stress over it. Try to focus on how it feels, not what it is or isn't doing. Anyway we got back on track soon enough. It still happens from time to time but it's better.
You know, if you're depressed or stressed out, you can have this problem. Not necessarily psychological but physical too...your signals are going in the wrong direction. The lack of libido suggests, to me, that there's some kind of depression or something else going on.
You didn't say how your wife reacted to it, but if she was critical or upset about it, that will make it worse for you. Give her a book or something (reading material) to explain to her that what she says and how she reacts affects you too.
If you can't relax, you can't perform. And take into account what the first guy said, you just might be wearing yourself out. The older we are, the more things 'break.' But that's not your fault, that's life. Good luck to you and don't fret too much over this. My guess is you'll be back on track once you stop worrying so much over the issue. The more you obsess over not being able to do something the worse it'll get.
Well, I'm a girl... I only know what men tell me...and that's what they told me. The more you obsess the worse it gets. It makes logical sense to me, so I repeat it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2010): Thanks ,My problem is that it is so long lasting,and the doctors dont have an answer for me. It is really not just sometimes ,it is all the time. Well, I dont think this is my wife, but some people thinks ,it's might be. But it would be hard to know until ,I don't go try it with someone else. But,.I really dont want that! My goal is to stay with her.. So ,I still don't know. But thanks.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (21 April 2010):
 The important thing here is that you went for a physical, and they checked for the usual culprits -- high blood pressure, diabetes, etc. That plus the fact that you get spontaneous erections says the problem is most likely not physical.
Now occasionally losing an erection is something that happens to everyone. Sometimes guys stress about it -- it happened once, what if it happens next time -- and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy. You can't do it only because you're afraid you won't be able to. If that's the case, then you just have to work at rebuilding your confidence. Do sexual things with your wife where neither of you has any expectation that it will lead to intercourse. Have her stimulate you manually, for example, and keep practicing until you're confident there won't be a problem.
OR -- there's something bothering you about your relationship with your wife. The problem began suddenly two years ago. Think about what was going on then -- any hints there?
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2010): I think part of it is due to performance anxiety; as you know, is in your head. I had the same problem a while back. While having sex with my girlfriend, I got kind of soft, and she got upset. It seemed like every time after that, I just couldn't get hard again. After about 2 weeks of no sex, and not even thinking about doing it with her, I gained some of my ability back. Part of it was I think we were doing it more than my body could handle; I started to get worn out and tired, so we do it like 3 times a week versus once a day as I was doing it.
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