A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:hi i have been with my bf since last august, but there's been trouble in paradise, so to speak.at first everything was i love you and you love me and all this planning and dreaming ... we'd met through an online service quite by accident...but we would talk and then met, hit it off...he could not wait to move me and my two children (ages 8 and 10) to his home where they and his 4 (ages 10, 14, 17 and 18) could get to know each other, too. the first month or so was great, then he stopped saying i love you back to me. just after that, his ex re-married, to the man she slept with which caused my bf's and her divorce. since then, he's mostly been a miserable sod to deal with, for both my children and me but he does not want to break up... he asks me if i want to, which of course seems absurd, because i love him and...to his credit...he did say it was 'not you' (referring to me-i've even asked what have i ever done to you that you treat me this way? and he's said "nothing. it's me, not you") and that he was having trouble with feeling anything for anybody other than his children (and even for them, too at times) he was many times near-suicide with his discussions when i lived with him (it scared me enough to really want to hit the road, but i decided i would just move away, to somewhere not too far but enough out of the 'viper'e den' so to speak.) Anyway, this past week he's been really vicious to me... has picked on me for, shall i say 'straw-reaching' things that could not possibly have mattered before; hence just reaching for anything it seems. and upset me to where i really lost it with him and gave him hell for being such an a**hole, etc. okay, so today, after this latest argument he acts like nothing's happened. we even kiss on the lips. then he teases me and tells me i'm a whack job (whatever that means) as if! he's the one acting nutty, and ever since i have moved here to my new home, he's only been here two time in two months, barely calls me, only texts me if it has been a couple of days...what the heck is going on with this guy? i have asked him and even wrote him a very long letter today telling him that needed to read about how i feel and then tell me how he felt, accordingly. this is driving me up the wall but mostly it hurts me, very deeply. oh yes, and i did "catch" him online at really scummy dating site because the stupid place sent a message to me (he had me sign up when we first met online; was uncomfortable, but he'd gifted me with a galaxy.. so it was sentimental that i kept the site but did not visit for other then to 'gift' him)...I go to his site, see a pic he'd taken of him on the phone with me. nice. i was very hurt and called him immediately on it (well, texted actually). then he goes and deletes it. i know it was out of guilt for having gone there in the first place but then he said he was only there to put up the picture "for something to do" yeah right. i called it again on Monday's argument and did get him to admit he had been "looking" and was "sorry". i asked him what he would think if he had "caught" me doing the same thing? he admitted he would have felt really bad. in fact, i am certain he would probably have broken up with me on the spot, seeing as he's so incensed about how both his ex wives cheated on him. now this, with me. lovely. Anyone have some advice? am i totally just ignoring the writing on the wall? i love this man... and i believe he does love me but he is acting 'emotionally constipated'... hence the 'numbness' he is experiencing. i think it has to do with his ex marrying the guy she screwed that broke up their marriage, possibly a combination of that and early retirement as a police officer (ptsd?) plus the passing of his parents, which happened just prior to their divorce. she, the ex, had no patience with him and did not understand his need to grieve for both the early retirement (and subsequent adrenaline rush let-down) as well as losing both his parents within 6 months of each other. she went to this man she is now married to for a shoulder to cry on and they ended up married, though i don't see that it's all that happy that's for sure. like i care, right? i love our children... his as well as mine. i love what our goals where, at least. and i don't get why he is hanging on to me to tenaciously. any help, please??? I mean, we are not married but i still believe in the "for richer for poorer/sickness an in health ect." that committed couples believe in, like he used to at least believe in. bear in mind again, he is 53 and i am 42 thanks! kb
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female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (23 April 2010):
 I am very sorry you are going through such a harrowing time of your life. Your man seems to have lost his bearings and is floundering .
You are the only person who is closest to him and who can help him overcome his problems. May I suggest that you ask him to seek professional help.
In the time being ,you will have to hold on to the fort.I wish you all the best and may God grant you the strength to face your daily struggles.
A
female
reader, cnith +, writes (21 April 2010):
 Um... I don't know if 42 really has all the answers... but I do know that your dude is imbalanced, seriously imbalanced.And that you're hanging on to insanity is baffling to me.He's cheating on you, to your face, and you what? LOVE him? Hmmm... maybe he's right... you are a whack job. A total nutter for staying with this insanity.Dump this male, for he's not a man. True he could be depressed over his ex or whatever but that's not YOUR fault and you shouldn't have to deal with it. Nor should you 'stay' because sickness health whatever bull you want to hide yourself behind.It's clear he doesnt love you. Who goes "looking" if they are in love? Players and a holes.Find a man next time and don't move so fast. Better yet, stay by yourself and focus on your kids for the next ten years. I know you aren't getting any younger and I know you'd like a partner in crime but if you can't tell the difference between a man and a male, you have problems. You need to refocus yourself. Do you really need to have your kids go through this insanity? What are you teaching them? That it's OK to be with a guy like this? Or if your kids are boys, that it's OK to BE like this? Not a good plan...Leave this one alone. Let him fester. Maybe he can turn into a man but right now you have nothing. I'm sorry.
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