A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have struggled for the last 6 years feeling like an outsider in my profession. When I went to law school because I wanted to help people, but it was very disorienting, and I felt unsupported there. I felt that among my classmates, that I didn't quite fit in, like I was forcing a square peg into a round circle, that I didn't speak formally enough, didn't have the professional demeanor that they seemed to have already cultivated (when?! where?!). I found their confidence over the top and offputting, which somehow resulted in me feeling even less comfortable/confident and MORE alone. Now that I am out of school, and have been for the last 3 years, I still often feel out of place, and it is only those who I feel have likewise shown me some vulnerability, chink in their armor, or "humanness" that I feel comfortable in my industry. A lot of people do not do this, and their coldness or abruptness or alpha-ness puts me off in a way that I don't know how to respond to, and that I generally retreat from.Further, while I still like working with clients, a lot of my work can have quick, irreversible negative impacts on my clients, and I take these events hard. This week alone, there were three times where after court was finished, I thought I should have approached something a different way after the fact; these were scenarios where I couldn't undo once I did them. Not all three could have been prevented with additional preparation, but once these alternatives dawned on me, these events made me feel like I was not a good enough attorney, had not done enough for my clients. I can tell my reaction is distorted; what should probably be minor setbacks that might take ten minutes or an hour for some people to get over are taking me hours to get over, and/or can be day-ruiners, and/or seep into my after-work hours. I feel drained by my reactions to mistakes and attorney personalities and feel alone. I feel like I'm falling through the cracks-I don't want to talk to my family about it because I feel guilt and shame that I spent 3 years of my time and my family's money to insinuate myself in something I feel like I'm not a part of and might leave because I am scared I am not good enough. I could call up colleagues I trust, but I'm afraid they won't understand, and there's something about them relating to me in a dismissive way or not relating to me that would make me feel more isolated and an outsider. I have no coworkers right now bc I'm in a solo practice, and I can't bring all of this up with a mentor, because I worry that a) showing that much vulnerability will result in them being put off, because it is still a professional connection and I still want referrals for cases if they have any, but I might not get any if I show myself like this or b) they may say it's out of their wheelhouse, suggesting therapy. I don't feel therapy is the answer either. I actually have (for other reasons mostly) discussed my work and my feeling not good enough as a lawyer with a therapist (I don't have the insurance to afford to continue). She gave me tools to "reframe" the messages I'm telling myself, so I can say I am a good lawyer, to the point I believe it after one of these incidents; I try to explain I do the best I can at the time, or just that these are opportunities to get better, etc. I'm still fairly new, I try to forgive myself for not meeting my own standards and I'm still learning but I am struggling and it does not seem to make a substantial impact on the overall brain-pathways my mind defaults to, especially when the core feeling is that I don't belong. Which makes me want to hide/leave the profession. It's a chicken and an egg situation I feel--I could listen to myself and these feelings as alarm bells and a sign that I may be happier outside of this profession, or that my personality type just does not gel with this group and this disconnect results in my being drained or and upset, or I could say it's a mind-over-matter issue, and whatever external stimulus is occurring, I'm projecting all these preexisting insecurities, bad thoughts,etc. on and THESE are the problem. Two additional complications are 1) I have very little comparison base for work. I only took one year off between college and law school, but I did enjoy my time there, and while I had some bouts of feeling not competent, it was not to this level. 2) I still like the clients and want to work with the client base, but don't know what alternatives end up looking like..I think I could be happier as a paralegal or social worker but I'm scared to spend money on schooling to find out if I'm wrong (again) (also people generally don't hire attorneys for paralegal positions).I am terribly sorry for the long, nonromantic advice question. For those who read through, you have my deepest gratitude.
View related questions:
co-worker, confidence, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you two so much for your support and feedback! I definitely agree I bring too much emotion to the workplace, and it's not helping anyone! I may also link up with another firm soon so I get that additional sounding board and assurance I might need. Thanks again for your responses, I needed it!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2016): I too am a creature who doesn't fit in, as you say. I'm a beloved oddity to my family, friends, and colleagues. I find myself viewing things entirely different from most others. I like to observe people and learn from them. I love to get into heads and figure people out. I am very forthcoming and allow people in. I like discussion.
You do spend a lot of time inside your head; I gather that from your narrative approach to explaining your feelings. You are a deep thinker, but you get lost in your thoughts. As a result, you overlook details that could have been beneficial to your clients. This is a matter of preparation, thorough research, and analyzing every possible angle to a problem. My deceased partner was also
an attorney. A good one, I might add, in spite of my bias.
You are feeling isolated, and may have chosen the wrong area of practice. It's not that you're a bad lawyer, maybe practicing on your own without a mentor and a more experienced partner around to groom you is more the problem. Many attorneys get their professional-legs by starting with a firm; in order to get an edge-up and to be more cultivated, disciplined, and structured as my domestic partner did.
Being an odd-ball is typical of attorneys, if you ask me.
You may have always felt at odds in social situations, simply because of your personality and unique intellect. You're just not over-impressed or narcissistic about your intelligence. You're a loner by nature. When thrust into social situations or being challenged to use your legal expertise; you confuse your awkward social-skills with your abilities to perform your job. Your job does not require your emotions. It requires your ability to recall and analyze, and to project your knowledge of the law. That's what you find so hard. Leaving your emotions out of it. Embrace your unique qualities and always use them to your advantage. You're sensitive. If you got through law school and passed the bar, you have what it takes. You simply lack the support you need.
Use what the therapist offered you, and re-frame your messages. Good or bad, we become what we convince ourselves we are. Sometimes mistakes force us to punish ourselves to the degree we debilitate ourselves. Often to the point of dysfunction. Your constant comparing yourself to others is your greatest fault; instead of building yourself up based on your best qualities and abilities. Dummies don't get through law school and pass bar exams! We all second-guess ourselves and beat ourselves up over mistakes. That's called a conscience. We just can't allow guilt to overwhelm us. That's called self-discipline. Don't be over-critical of yourself. Don't downplay your accomplishments.
Therapy isn't always the answer, sometimes it just takes building self-confidence and learning to love ourselves.
That's a job we humans must labor at 24/7. Your job may not be a good fit, but I suggest you consider taking on a partner. Not as a crutch, but to give you professional support; and as a sounding-board for ideas and quality control. Often, two heads are better than one. You'll form a camaraderie and a support-system that will give you a better edge while boosting your confidence. You'll only fail if you convince yourself you're a failure. Sweetheart, you wouldn't have come so far if you didn't have what it takes to get there. Self-doubt is often a big-fat liar!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2016): I adored your letter if only because i am having a very down day and i know exactly what your feeling!The worst thingt you said that really shocked me was that you insinuated yourself into your field.Butyou got it wrong! You worked yourbutt off to get to where you are. You studied long and hard.Attorney is the title you earned by yourhard work!I have heard other disillusioned attorneys before so it goes with the territory but you dont tell it to your clients or colleagues!Its better that you dont or they will all start complaining!How about some probono work!That might help you alot and may boost your ego.To poorer folk you will be like an angel or godess!But when it comes to romance dont settle for less than a richard gere type gentleman who wears cashmere coats in winter!Because you are worth it!
...............................
|
