A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I'm 23 years old, and am a bit confused right now... I've liked a friend of mine for awhile now (a year or two-ish? we met in school), and we've hung out casually and talked casually, but not consistently - we used to volunteer together a little, too. We have kept poor contact in the last few months, however, but I ran into him a few weeks ago, hung out, and had sooo much fun! He knows I like him and it doesn't freak him out, and he's honestly not sure how he feels about me. He's open to hanging out and spending more time to get to know one another (or at least he was...), whether that's just as friends or as maybe more... We hung out this past weekend, with some of his friends, but obviously didn't spend any time alone so I never really got a chance to be close to him, you know, feel out if either of us felt any chemistry or anything. (That "spark," that "desire," that "physical curiosity" if you will...)I left the same time his guy friend left, so not even a single moment of alone-ness...Unfortunately, I am usually the one who texts him online. He responds, but never seems to be very chatty, but it's hard to figure out if that's just the way he is (he's a very intellectual musician), or if I'm just bothering him! I know if I keep on eventually I will start bothering him, so I guess my main questions are thus:How do I get him to open up to me, to talk with me about more personal things so we can start to build an intimate (as in, emotionally close) relationship?Secondly, at this point should I just back off and let him come to me?I've always known I'd never have to worry about him being in it for only one thing - he's very into being a good person (dare I say religious?) and I know he really values people for who they are. I also know he has the qualities I look for - monogomous and committed. And he's smart, funny, interesting - he challenges my mind, which is a total turn-on, which I can't say for all the boys I've been interested in. He's attractive, unique, and talented. And, another big turn on, he's sweet to kids and is just an all-around very nice person. It's weird, I feel like I have this feeling, like no matter what I still want him in my life, even if it does end up being just as friends... You know, I would almost be totally okay with it, with keeping it on the friend level, I mean. But the only reason I wouldn't be okay is because when you're with someone else, they get all your attention and love, and once he started seeing someone new, I would not really be in the picture...I hate to admit it, but I am just plain feeling lonely, too. And apparently he had some sort of special emotional connection with his ex, who very recently told him they needed to not talk (so they wouldn't be dependent on one another any more), so I have a feeling he's in a strange place as well...It just sucks! Being around him, I get this "right" feeling, you know, like it's the right place for me to be at that moment, like there's no other place in the world for me to be. He's such a concerned friend, I can't even imagine how amazingly loving he'd be with someone who's more than a friend. I know that I love with all my heart, and I bet he's the same way.My last problem with all of this is... well he's very smart - book smart, culturally smart, spiritually smart, etc. I'm no dumbass myself lol, but I feel like he may not think I'm up to his standard of intellectual - at least as far as my convictions go. He's very concerned with non-mainstream music, politics, underground/grassroots types of things and doing good things for others. I worry he thinks I lack that quality I love in him so much - an interest in thinking about the world, in changing it. (Hmm maybe I should write him some poetry - how's THAT for being a pest?! hahaha...)I just, sigh... I just wish he would realize that I am so much more than what he probably thinks, that there are so many more layers to me than meet the eye.By the same token, though, I don't want to have to feel like I constantly need to impress this person to make them love me, you know? I want to feel okay being myself and knowing that's good enough. He's so hard to read sometimes that I feel I can't tell if he's judging me or just being thoughtful...You know, all I want is to just spend more time with him, and hopefully I haven't annoyed him to the point where he's had enough of me! He's not the kind of crush to just say "o the heck with him, move on" - he's someone I want in my life!!What do you think of all this? I am crazy, aren't I?! Or maybe just wanting something when someone else really doesn't care all that much...Your thoughts would be much appreciated, thanks!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2008): Ahh you sound ever so lovely! And very intelligent and charming as well!
Ive been in situations like this before with guys, and despite all my friends advice have tended to mostly pester until the guy has made it clear he's not interested!
What Im trying to say is that from your message, it doesn't sound as though he is all that interested romantically unfortunately, although I totally agree with Tisha below that you won't really know for sure until you ask him!
I only say this as most guys, however intellectual, know when they fancy someone, and will usuallly ask the person out if they're interested.
I would do as Tisha says and casually invite him to do something with just you, and see how he reacts. You will learn a lot from that alone and if it seems as though he's not all that keen then you can move on.
After that though, whatever the outcome, I would try to let him initiate some emails or texts, instead of you always doing it. It's sooo hard to be cool when you like someone, but it really does pay dividends in the long run. by plating it a little cool while you have these strong feelings for him then if you do end up dating him, you'll have established a healthy pattern of sharing the initiating of things, and if you don't end up dating him then you won't be left feeling like you chased him after your feelings have faded or awkward around him, paving the way for a good friendship!
Good luck and do check back and say how things go! xx
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (4 March 2008):
 If I were you, I would just ask this guy out on a date, and stop overintellectualizing (is that even a word?) the relationship you have now.
Call him, say hi, would you like to go see xxx band with me on Friday night? Or whatever you'd like to do on a specific evening. Just make it a specific time/date so he can say no if he's busy that night, but it will give him a chance to say he can't and suggest another time. And you won't have lost him as a friend if you give him the easy out.
Sometimes still waters run deep, sometimes they're just shallow ponds... but you'll never know until you ask. And please don't be heartbroken if he says no, he's busy. At least you've made the effort, and you can kick yourself around a bit that he wasn't interested, but isn't that better than spending a lot of time swooning over a shallow pond? You'll have demonstrated to yourself that you have a real strength in asking, and you'll have lost no friends in the asking....
Please let me know how things go, I really want this to go well for you!
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