A
female
age
36-40,
*ubs
writes:I'm 23 and my husband is 33 we have only been together in a sexual relationship for about 13 months but have known each other for over 5 years. When we first got together everything thing was perfect, He was the perfect gentleman, Took me out for meals, Listened to everything that was bothering me, He always knew how to put a smile on my face and making love was amazing. But the relationship moved so quickly and after just 6 weeks I found out I was with child. Which is when everything started to change, He became so distant at one of the times I needed him most and our sex life became none excistant, I confronted him about it and he said the whole pregnancy thing was just a bit strange and he didn't want sex whilst I was carrying. I didn't mind, I understood where he was coming from. When I was 7 months gone we got married and had sex for the first time in 7 months but It didn't feel right it felt forced because I knew he didn't want to do this. So the baby was born a short while after and he still seemed so cold with me, I asked him why and he said he was adjusting to the new life, But my baby is 3 months now and It really feels like nothing is ever going to change between our relationship, Its not just the sex he has lost his loving touch all together, He'll only kiss me or tell me how much he loves me when he has had to much to drink, I feel so lonely even when he's here with me. Iv found pictures of his female facebook friends stored in a folder on his computer and pornagraphic matarial, I usually wouldn't mind about this but because he shows me no attention it really gets to me and makes me hate myself for the way my body is at the moment, I just keep thinking he doesn't want me he would rather have these other girls thats why hes perving at them, Hes so secretive with his facebook account and is always quickly logging off when i walk in the room. And his friends are mainly half dressed women, Its driving me mad but it doesn't matter how many times i tell him about it nothing changes. Im becoming so sexually frustated that arguements seem to start everyday. I want this marriage to work but Im not sure if he just taking me for a mug, his longest relationship was 18 months and Im begining to wonder if this is why, He has also admitted to me in the past he has cheated on his partners when they have done something that has really annoyed him. Am I any different just because I have his child? Im just so confused I don't want my baby to grow up in a broken home. But im so scared he his going to end up breaking my heart and I don't no how much more I can take without being intamate. Or am I just over reacting? Please help..
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female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (22 October 2010):
 Well if he has already expressed you should try counselling then you need to take the first step and just go ahead and book it - dont wait around for him to sort it out. Book it, then tell him where and when he need to show up.
Apart from that I cant really suggest anything else I'm afraid, you have obviously tried on many occasions to talk to him and he I think he is being completely honest with you in his answers - I think he is saying that he wants you just for the easier life so he can go back to his computer and avoid a row with you.
And one final thing - no man wants a baby after dating a girl for 6 weeks. I know that might sound harsh, and I bet he was excited about being a dad (most men do want kids, and after the age of 28 stop being scared by it and really look forward to being a dad) but he will not have wanted the child in those circumstances. Nobody wants a child after only knowing your partner for 6 weeks, before you are married, living together etc. So of course he liked the idea of the baby, but the situation was all wrong for him and that has just spewed over into your marriage.
As I said before about men over 30 being rather odd creatures - the guy I dated who is 32, he loves children, spends every free minute with his nephew and always talks about having a family. So you would think he would be eager to settle down and start a family right? Well not at all! The circumstances all were very important to this guy I was dating, his career had to be perfect and completely sorted, he had to have the right friends.....there were so many conditions to him having a family that it will take him forever to get there!
So I imagine it is a little bit similar for your husband, of course he wanted kids and wants to be a dad, but only when he is ready and when the time is right. And clearly he was not at all ready for the massive change that it would make to his life.
Sorry I cant be of any more help, I think you just need to do all you can to get him to counselling and for him to open up. And if all that fails, dont stay for the sake of the child - you need to be happy. Kids need a happy mum and happy dad in order to grow up happy themselves, so often staying together when you both are unhappy is actually more damaging for the child.
I hope this helps and good luck!
A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (22 October 2010):
 I really, really hate to agree with kc 100 but there's just no other way to read this... he really does sound like he's in this marriage for the wrong reasons... sorry :( I think you guys need to have a serious talk together...
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A
female
reader, bubs +, writes (22 October 2010):
bubs is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe have repeatly talked about this problem but he says he does want me and the baby but he is just finding it hard to show it. Which is the bit that worries me. He was over the moon when he found out we were going to be parents hes wanted to be a dad for a long time, He doesn't feel scared by it he loves being a father and I think thats why It makes it hard for him to tell me his true feeling because hes scared he'll be away from his baby if he finishes with me, Iv told him that wouldn't be the case but he still says he wants me but it really doesn't feel like it. The marriage was a wrong idea, I wasn't really sure at the time wether i should go through with it but he said it was the right thing to do and so we could be a proper family. Being pregant was already scary and the thought of doing it on my own was even worse. but now this has all blown up in my face and I really don't no what to do I'v already tried everything you have suggested apart from the counselling, He has already suggested the same idea but is'nt making any effort to follow through on it, Everything just seems to have gone back to square 1 again untill I try to talk about it again then we end up argueing :(
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (22 October 2010):
Sorry to say this but he was forced into this marriage with you and he feels like his life has been altered against his will. You got pregnant after 6 weeks! You didnt know each other very well, could not have possibly fallen in love that quickly (as love comes with time, not within weeks) - he will have thought at that time you were just dating, then all of a sudden bang! and your pregnant and keeping the baby. So he is forced to become a dad when he clearly was not ready, and then a few months later forced to become a husband. He clearly did not want either of these things and is not ready for them, but felt obliged to because of the baby.
The problem here is that you allowed yourself to get married for convenience, not for love and the desire to be together forever. You got married because it was the "right thing to do" for the baby - it was not right for either of you.
I'm not really sure how you can fix this to be honest - it is hard to fix something when the other person does not want it in the first place. I guess it is time that you sit down together (without baby for distractions) and really talk about your marriage and life together. Ask him outright if he felt rushed into the marriage and a family together. Ask him if he only married you because he felt he "had to" rather than because he wanted to. And ask him the most important question - does he want to make this work? Dont get angry and shout at him - you need to take this chance to sit down and really listen to him and how he feels. I bet in his eyes he feels trapped - you have got your baby and husband, whereas he has lost his life and will be struggling to come to terms with this. As hard as it will be to listen to, you have to hear him out and accept what he says.
Then hopefully that will give you something to work on - and I really think in your case if he does want to make this marriage work that you go for relationship counselling. You are both in very different places in this relationship and need some help to get you both onto the same page. You have just had a baby and need a secure family unit, whereas he is feeling trapped and mourning the loss of his old life.
I was dating a guy in a fairly similar situation to you - I am 23 and he is 32, we had a fantastic time together but he was deliberately keeping his distance (emotionally) as he did not want to get too involved with me because of his lifestyle - he was very happy with his life as it was and wasnt sure he was in the right place for a serious relationship. He would always talk about being afraid of being trapped in a relationship with someone, especially if a woman forced him into a relationship by getting pregnant. I think men after the age of 30 who have not already settled down are a funny breed - they are comfortable with themselves and their lives, they like women and the idea of a girlfriend but often struggle to fit her into their life as they are already so 'together' in terms of how everything fits in their lives. They have their own friends, jobs/careers, family and interests - they have little room for women therefore they see women as a distraction, sometimes a welcome one - but they will always have difficulties settling down. They have gotten through 30 odd years of their life on their own (with girlfriends along the way but nothing like a marriage) therefore to accomodate someone else into their lives (never mind 2 new people as in your case!) is a massive upheaval for them.
I think once a man hits 30 and is single by choice, not because he cannot get a girlfriend, then they are a very difficult creature to be in a relationship with or to try and settle down with.
So really I think your only option is to talk to him, and get him to open up about how he feels. Dont make in menial and petty by talking about Facebook etc, it is more than that - you need to look at the bigger picture and talk about your future together (or not if he doesnt want that). I think by him spending a lot of time alone on the computer, it is clear he is trying to distance himself from you and the baby (his family) and cling on to his old life. And then along comes you, and you turn into the nagging wife always talking about porn, feeling unattractive and his girls on Facebook. Never in this relationship has he had any chance to talk about how he feels or what he wants - this has all been about the "right thing to do" not what he wants to do.
So instead of nagging him about trivial things, sit down away from the baby and the computer and let him speak. I cannot stress enough how important it is for you not to get upset, cry or get angry. He has never had a chance to talk to you so if he does actually start talking - dont ruin it by getting over emotional. You have said yourself you have told him repeatedly how you feel and what he is doing to upset you - but now is the time where you give him a chance to give his side of the story.
And hopefully if he does want to make this work he will agree to counselling and then you can start to make progress.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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