A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been married to my husband for 6 years. we have two toddlers, one of whom is in preschool, the other one is too young still. I work part time in the evenings. My husband works days. I run the house, balance the checkbook, etc (I am in charge of everything that goes in or comes out of the bank account), do the household chores, grocery shop and run errands (bank, post office, etc), take care of the kids when my husband is home so he can enjoy some "me time", cook, etc. I have recently started also being in charge of the car stuff. Inspections, oil changes, repairs, etc. My husband works hard at his job. I work hard at my jobs (both in and out of the home). I feel like I am just the accountant, nanny, housekeeper, cook, and laundry-doer. He complains about everything. Dinner is too salty. Why are we having pasta again. then he complains about laundry. Then he tells me the house is a mess because there are toys on the floor (which I get the kids to pick up at LEAST 5x/day). When I do work, he asks me when I am coming home from work so he can have some "me time". I just feel like I am being used. I need to work, not only for my own sanity but for the money. We can't make it on his check alone. I find that sexually it is all about him also... he gets what he needs and goes to sleep. It is never about MY needs... with every aspect of our relationship. When I bring up my need to work, or my need for help, I get "Oh you are being RIDICULOUS, I hate when you are like this!" and he refuses to discuss it further. I just don't know what to do... I am so tired of being second to him. I have always thought marriage was give and take. He does work hard at his job, as do I... but I have no support at home at ALL. It isn't that I need him to take over everything. I just want to cook dinner without an earfull of complaints, and to be able to work outside the home without a constant barrage of questions "when are you coming home? I am wasting my day off watching the kids". Any thoughts? am I being overly sensitive? Is this what happens in other families? I feel unappreciated and used. :(
View related questions:
money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Trinklett  +, writes (8 September 2011):
 With 2 kids you definitely need help at home. Discuss with hom there's no way you can combine house chores and work - you'll break down soon enough. So men don't see it, some don't want to see it. Seems to me you've done it all this time without complaining, so heks going to wonder what your problem is when you do start complaining. Tell him you're not the same person you were 2 years ago with all that vibe and energy with 2 kids, laundry, cooking and a job? You need assistance and be willing to pay for it. He works hard so there should be some extra cash. Pay for the laundry and get someone to watch the kids for 2 hours after school so you can rest. Cut down on some expenses if you have to. Or he could 'help' like person12345 has said.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (8 September 2011):
 Sounds to me like the two of you ought to be having a discussion - based on this submittal - in front of a marriage counselor....
Good luck....
...............................
A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (8 September 2011):
 I agree that this happens a lot in a relationship and I do agree largely with what has been written by others.
First off, I'd urge to find a way to cut expenses so that you don't have to work, or only have to work on weekends. Usually, if you work as a team together, you can find ways to trim the budget. Cell phones, newspapers, cable tv, multiple cars, big houses -- you have to ask yourself is it really worth it? You are paying the modern day price for luxury and you are missing out on life and stressing out for a lot of creature comforts. It is never easy cutting the budget because we want to cling to our possessions but in reality they are the chains and anchors that bind us to misery. I am not telling you to become a monk or anything, but do see what you can take out of your budget. You'd be surprised at how much simpler your life can become if you throw away some of the trappings.
Secondly, I think you need to have a talk with your husband about the division of labor. You should do this when you are at peace, not when you are frazzled. You do it at the wrong time and the discussion will turn into an argument. Explain to him how you are feeling and how you'd like it if he helped out a little more. Also, don't be afraid to work together on see what projects can slide. For instance, if you are vacuuming your house every other day, maybe it would be satisfactory to do it once every 5. Again, you need to sympathize with him as well as present your agenda and work as a united TEAM to coordinate your efforts in conquering household tasks and child rearing.
As far as sex goes, make sure you allocate time for both of you. If you need to be stimulated more, then present yourself as needing that. Clean up, wear your sexiest outfit and seduce your husband, just like you might've when you were first married or dating. Sometimes we forget how to sexually please one another once the wedding rings come on. Also, don't be shy to present your needs to him. It is part of his duty as a husband to sexually satisfy you and if he isn't up to par, you need to gently remind him of that.
You may want to read, as a couple(!), Dr Laura Schlessinger's "The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage". It may help you realize that you are each other's most important asset and as a team you can overcome anything.
Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (7 September 2011):
 Unfortunately despite the fact that this is 2011, women still do the vast majority of unpaid labor (housework, cooking, and childcare) in the majority of marriages, regardless of whether or not they work. The only way I see this stopping for your specific situation is to stand up for yourself and be assertive. Be rude if you have to. When he complains about you not being out enough for his alone time, say OK and go for a walk (or to a class or shopping) and leave him alone with the kids.
When he complains that dinner is too salty or too repetitive, direct him to the fridge and remind him that he has hands. When he complains that the house is messy agree with him and tell him to clean it. When he complains that he's wasting his time off with his kids, turn it around and him and ask him why you should spend your time off watching them.
As for your sex life, tell him what you want. Say you want him to do ___, ___, and ____ for you. If he refuses then asks for only what he likes, decline sex and tell him why.
I think a lot of men are under the impression that cooking, cleaning, and childcare are just second nature things women do for fun/to relax, and don't see them for what they really are, which is hard and often thankless work. I think you need to sit down and explain to him that these traditional housewife things are pretty much a full time job, and you need some help with it and he needs to pitch in.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 September 2011):
 Maybe you need to give yourself a break. When he gets home from work, give him 30-45 minutes to settle down and then leave, tell him you will be back later. Go out for a cup of coffee, check out the bookstore, shoestore, go for a walk, whatever you feel like.
When he complains about the house being messy (toys) tell him that he is free to pick em up.
If dinner isn't to his liking, ask him to make a shopping list and tell him he can go ahead and cook dinner whenever he likes. Or tell him to feel free to make a weeks worth menu. I have been the "cook" in this mariage for almost 12 years, I KNOW how hard it is to come up with exciting menues and meals 7 days a week once or twice a day.! He should TRY it.
If my kids don't want dinner, they have the option of making a sandwich. Same would go for my husband. I am NOT a shortorder cook or a maid or a housekeeper.
Also, find someone to watch both kids one night and take your husband out to dinner. TELL him you don't feel appriciated and that you feel used. I think he is taking your for granted. Thinking that you are just doing what his MOTHER did (and ofcourse she did it without complaining, right?)
He does realize this isn't 1950, right? and you are not Junie Cleaver.
...............................
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (7 September 2011):
 My impression is that this happens to many couples. It doesn't have to be that way, however.
...............................
|
