A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Is My Husband Secretly Gay?He watches gay man on man porn only?He watches gay mini-series and soaps like Jon Paul and Craig and Craig Dean?He fully admits to loathing having sex with me, and sometimes we go months without sex because sex is such a production according to him?We have never french kissed nor will he perform oral sex on me as both “disgust him” due to body fluids?We, but especially he, wanted to wait until we were married to have sex (even kiss???), but it was if for him there was no desire and that waiting was quite simple for him? There was only one time where he had any desire that he displayed before we were married and it was just a moment of passion as he described it?He has written numerous stories about how his best friend filled the “void” in his life that his absent father left?He used to get very depressed and upset (when we were just friends) if his best friend would spend more time with his girlfriends than him? (Now he's married as well and lives in another state and can tell that this has depressed him from time to time).Now, after 4 years of marriage, he has admitted to caring more about friendships than a marriage relationship and told me part of him doesn’t want to be married anymore due to all the work involved, no sexual desire, and that he would be much happier and more fulfilled with having only his friends in his life?He denies that he’s gay, but says that he has a void from his father not being there and always needed other men (in friendships) to fill, yet I feel this “void” and his needs for validation with another man runs deeper than what he admits or wants to believe.At this point in my marriage (after 4 years) I have completely suppressed myself sexually, but I’m TIRED of thinking he’s going to consistently miraculously like me and desire me in a romantic way one happy day, when all the signs are right before me to suggest otherwise. The thing is, I only want to be with him and I truly don’t want anyone else. He has told me that he has thought things through and wants to try and work on the marriage because he doesn’t want to be a lonely divorced old man? So, I am still confused…. But at times I feel I am just his “wife” that’s gets in the way of his more important friendships?Overall, he is a wonderful person and a great friend, and a perfect father to our children. As a matter of fact, we were very good friends for a couple of years before we got married and that’s the one thing that keeps us together, yet, anybody who's logical will admit that friendship only, without any intimacy doesn’t work in a marriage in the long run. The other problem is that I think he lies to himself because of his belief that homosexuality is wrong and sinful. I don’t know if he’ll ever fully admit to his feelings, but I don’t know what to do about it either.Thanks for your advice!
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (19 January 2010):
 He might be living a lie, but that doesn't mean you have to. If this marriage isn't working on this most fundamental level--he wants a 'friends' relationship with you?--then it's not really a marriage, is it?
I think you already know the answer to this question, I think you're just looking for affirmation that it is okay to want more, to desire true intimacy, sexual and spiritual, with the man who is your husband. I frankly think that the man you are currently married to isn't the guy for you. Unless you are willing to squelch your own natural desires for the rest of your life, I would start looking for the exit strategy. Have you tried counseling? You might give it a try.
The entire combination of what you describe sound like it's a lost cause.
I have two websites for you to look at; they help people in your situation and I think might be a good source of support for you as you work through this.
http://www.voy.com/86426/
http://www.straightspouse.org/home.php
Good luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2010): He could be gay. Either way, he is not being sexually intimate with you which will ruin the marriage unless you are as uninterested in sex as he is. He has mislead you from the very start, wanting to wait with sex until marriage, when in fact still in the marriage he keeps on with the waiting-game. This is serious. If you believe he is gay I will advice you to follow your gut-feeling. If he told you he was gay, what would you do? Dreaming that one day he might change and be affectionate the way you want to wont happen. He never was that way and never will be. So what next? What are your options? And how good are those options for you compared with the current way of things?
People will say "think of your children" and that you shouldn't leave because of them. But also, your children will not be happier by having an unhappy miserable mother. So he's a great father. Not so much a great partner for you. Tell him to get off the porn and gay things and be with you or you two need to consider other ways to lead your lives.
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (19 January 2010):
 it seems to me that he's only in it for the security of not having to figure out who he really is or what he really wants out of a relationship/"friendship". i think you're doing a disservice to yourself, staying with someone who doesn't desire you and oftentimes seems repulsed by you and your womanhood in general. i know you two probably also want it to work out for the kids' sake, but what message are you giving the kids in a loveless unsatisfying marriage?
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (19 January 2010):
 In your case you need to decide whether you'd be better off with him or without him. Consider all the +'s and all the -'s. You obviously will have to give up something so decide what aspects of a "normal" marriage you can do without...forever. Good luck Babe!
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