A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:What do you think about this situation? My husband and I occasionally hang out with another couple, I'll call them Bob and Lisa. Before we met, we both hung out with this couple seperately. My husband used to be Bob's best friend and when I was in my late 20's and early 30's I used to hang out with Teresa when she was mad at Bob and wanted to go bar-hopping. Over the years, we each discovered that Bob was kind of a jerk. Years earlier, when my husband was still single, Lisa propositioned him for sex. He turned her down (he says) because he was friends with Bob, but he has always been attracted to her. I should probably add that Lisa is one of the most beautiful women I have ever known. Fast forward,to our 40's; my husband and I are now happily married and Bob and Lisa are getting a divorce. At a party we threw recently, Lisa hooked up with one of my husband's co-workers. Of course, Bob was not at the party. After the party my husband was furious with his co-worker and has basically "forbid" me to invite them over again. I am happy for Lisa, she is finally getting out of a marriage that's been dead for years and finding happiness with someone else. The co-worker is a nice man, who I think will be good for Lisa. But anytime we invite our normal circle of friends to go do something he wants nothing to do with Lisa and the guy she is seeing. At work he avoids the guy like the plague and talks badly about him every chance he gets.(And no, my husband is not loyal to Bob.) I think he's jealous of the co-worker, which he venhomly denies, but seems pretty obvious to me. Afterall, he's had an attracion for Lisa, for the past 20 years. He has probably always kicked himself for not taking her up on her offer years ago. Now she's a free bird and she's already found someone else. Up until their hook-up my husband liked this co-worker guy. In fact, he was the one who invited the guy to our party. Of course neither of us ever thought the two of them would end up together, but they did. Should I be concerned by my husband's behavior over this situation? Should I be worried that he's obviously angry that he missed out on a chance to be with Lisa?....I am puzzled by his feelings and wonder if I need to keep a close eye on him for awhile. God only knows if things will even work out with Lisa and the co-worker and if it falls apart is my husband going to go for her?.......what do you think?
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at work, best friend, co-worker, divorce, jealous Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (7 September 2012):
 It may be too late to chime in here, but I will anyway. If it won't help you, it might help someone else in a similar situation.
You and your husband may have to have a sit down eventually, but if you jump to that right away he is likely to feel ambushed and defensive. Then he'll deny everything, go on the attack and/or clam up and storm off. And it will be that much harder to broach the subject again.
I suggest you lay the foundation for such a talk by replying with a short, simple statement said in a matter of fact, non accusing tone. Something like 'Lisa is very fortunate to have a friend who cares so much about who she dates'. Then go back to whatever it was you were doing, showing him by your body language that you're not waiting for a response.
Pick something else if you like but you get the general idea. If your tone and your timing are right he will be caught off guard and start asking himself questions. Did I go overboard? Was it that noticeable? If so for how long? Have others noticed? Did she see it herself or did someone else say something? Are people talking about it? What are they saying?
Let him stew in that uncertainty for a while. Because you aren't demanding an explanation he is more likely to trip over himself trying to offer one. And he will be more likely to do right by you if he thinks he owes you.
The goal is to bring his behavior to his attention in a way that does not provoke his anger and allows you to occupy the higher ground.
If all goes well you may not need `THE TALK` after all. He will correct his behaviour and never give you reason to question him again.
A
male
reader, Replacement +, writes (5 September 2012):
 I'd like to hear your husband's take on this situation, unfortunately it's hard to guess at someone's motivations with only one side of the story.
Assuming he IS still attracted to her after all these years, why hasn't something happened sooner? Why wait until SHE'S divorced- if HE still isn't? He may be jealous and attracted- but I doubt he'll act on it now because he's still married to you. If your marriage isn't enough of a hinderance to keep him from straying then he would have tried already, as she's been unhappily married for a long time, so there would be no real barrier there. But feelings this strong for another woman could be a problem even if he doesn't try to go for her. It is strange to me that he could keep a candle burning for her for so long and through both yours and her marriage... that sounds like something more than pure lust to me, sounds like a romantic love. Have you ever asked Lisa about the time she propositioned your husband?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (5 September 2012):
 have you ASKED your husband how he feels and why he "forbids" you to invite this co-worker over?
and if you are happily married, are you saying your husband is NOT? happily married men do not risk their marriage to hook up with another woman..
is there a problem in your marriage that makes you think your husband would cheat?
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