A
female
age
,
*nybare
writes:Is my husband going through major midlife crisis?Have been married 13 yrs, no children. All of suddenhe is not happy with his life and everthing in it, home, boating has not been for several yrs (I did not know this) It seens to have come to have exploded on May 9, of this year, he neve came home that night, he has never done this, its happening more, drinking more.That was his 41 birthday. Does hot want counseling, says not depressed. Has moved out of housepast 2 weeks living in hotel, has no friend to talkwith.He told me he has lost his very best friend in the world, and can never get that back!His answer isalways don't know why I feel this way, don't know what decisions to make. Afaid I will loose him forever.I love him with all my soul. How do I helpthe love of my life- (till death do us part)How can I survive???? I want to craw under a rock and die! If someone can give me one word of hope.This is the second time im life going through, Myfirst husband left at 11 yrs just didn't want to bemarried anymore. Let me with 5 and 7 year old boys.It was and it is hell on earth. Just like now.despart for comfort
View related questions:
best friend, depressed, moved out Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, samantha900 +, writes (3 November 2008):
I am going through the same thing as you. My husband has agreed to see a therapist and we are going to counseling together. The hard part is he is living at home so he comes and goes as he pleases. Not healthy for my 12 year old daughter.
The best thing I found is to give them their space and if they are intelligent men they will realize what they have. I was told this could take months or even years for them to figure things out. I have started to find my own interests and care for myself, which I haven't done in years. This happens to so many women and men. If you haven't had counseling I would suggest it. Good luck and hang in there.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2008): Hi Babes,
Thanks for the update, how are things going with you. Have you spoken to your husband, is he more clear about the things he wants. Do you talk to him, see him. How are you feeling, are you doing positive things, are you trying to cope with the circumstances in which you find yourself. Contact your friends and family, start spending more time with the people you care about. Remember to treat yourself gently, eat well, sleep well, and make sure that you dress up and look nice. Thanks again for the update, I sure hope that your doing alright.
...............................
A
female
reader, hnybare +, writes (4 September 2008):
hnybare is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks to everyone, he tells mr i am not alone
...............................
A
female
reader, hnybare +, writes (31 August 2008):
hnybare is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you all for your answers. its good to know i an not the only one in the world going through this. I just need to step back as long as i can handle it. I get confressed
message from him he kisses me goodby he hugs me says he love me in a differenty way.But I am staying quiet and taking any monents of love i get. is that wrong? I don't
think he is using me.......
...............................
A
female
reader, hnybare +, writes (27 August 2008):
hnybare is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks everyone for your answers. I just need to wait, lethim work it out. Seems to be what everyone is saying. hope i can make it.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2008): Hi babes,
We try to provide advice on relationships. We try and answer your questions but it hasn't been very clear what you need exactly. The aunts that have answered have been very truthfull, if this is a major midlife crisis, then all you can do is wait. We can't lie to you, it wouldn't be fair, this is the best thing you can do.
You think it's all about fun, well it's probably not much fun for him. He's probably finding it hell. He dosen't know what he's doing, he dosen't know why he feels like this. It's because he's staring death in the face. You present as aged 51-59 and currently living in the USA. If your husband is a similar age to you, he's thinking about all the goals he missed, all the things he was supposed to do, he's frightened that has moved through his life, and wasted his time. Not with you, never with you. This is not about his love for you, it's about him planning for death in a way, trying to make his peace with the world..
I know it sounds stupid, he's probably got another 50 odd years or so left. But time goes by so quickly and it's like he's suddenly realised that.
I know you love him, I know you miss him, and I know it hurts. What can you do, how can you survive. Well you must do the same as him. You must look deeply into your heart, re-evaluate your life and your past. What was your goals as a little girl. What have you forgotten to do, what have you put off. Was your marriage all that it could be. What about you as a person, have you achieved all that you could have.
Major midlife crisises don't only have to be about loss, they can be about new opportunities too. Opportunities for him, but there are opportunities for you too. Take this time and use it wisely. Who knows what might happen in the future. Remember if you love something, then you must let it go, and if it loves you, then it will always find it's way back home. Life is long babes, this pain will pass in time, and things will change again. Blessings
...............................
A
female
reader, hnybare +, writes (26 August 2008):
hnybare is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for the info, this is what everyone says!
while i crying he is have fun and enjoying
the hardest thing i ever done. Just leave him alone.
seems to be that is what everyone is saying
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2008): I believe my husband is also having a mid life crisis. Certainly at the moment he is acting completely out of character. Unfortunately for me he has found a friend that likes the outdoor life, they go biking and swimming together. In fact every time I go out they go out. It is very hard to live with. It seems to me that he prefers her company to mine.
I really dont know what to say to help you in your situation but friends of mine have said that sometimes you just have to let them get on with it in the hope that eventually they will get it out of their system.
Certainly all my yelling and screaming has not helped. Quite the opposite in fact.
I really do sympathise. I know how it must be hurting you, but you have to stay strong.
Very best wishes
...............................
A
female
reader, Fairy Godmother  +, writes (25 August 2008):
 I've read and re-read your question several times and can find nothing specific that could have triggered your husband's behaviour. I don't wish to belittle or label what is happening to you both but I do wonder if you are right in thinking he is having some sort of mid-life crisis.As women I think that when our partners are unhappy and/or become distant, we immediately think it is something we have said or done, i.e. our fault or responsibility. Perfectly understandable but again, it doesn't sound to me as though you have said or done anything specific to make him feel this way. You sound to be completely in love and totally devoted to your husband, so I would firstly ask you to please try and stop blaming yourself for the way he is feeling.It's not clear to me who your husband means when he says he has lost his best friend in the world? Has he lost a male friend or does he mean you?Perhaps this is something he needs to experience and go through on his own? What I'm trying to suggest is perhaps there is nothing you can do at this moment in time. That's no doubt difficult to accept because your instinct is to try and put things right but I'm not sure you can, at the moment. I have a strong sense that you are going to have to let him get on with this on his own for a while and work it out for himself. Having said that, I don't mean you should put up with this situation indefinitely either. Perhaps just give him some space to go on this voyage of self-discovery / self-destruction and stop chasing after him. Let him pull away and hope that by doing so he will choose to come back again.One of the other Aunts recently recommended I read 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus' by John Gray. I have found it enlightening and comforting. I would strongly urge you to read it.Please please don't crawl under a rock and die. I think you should take this time to take very good care of yourself and ask your female friends for their company and support. I understand your terror, especially when you were abandoned before. That doesn't mean history is about to repeat itself; he is not your ex-husband.I send you a virtual hug and all my hopes and wishes that you will soon have a happy outcome. Please let me know.
...............................
|
