A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My husband has gone away once every month with a lady he works with. I found out and confronted him about 7 months ago and he told me he was truly sorry but since then he has continued to do so. He tells me he is going one place and then ends up with her. He also stays late after work to talk to her or meet up with her. Ihave know about it for some time but when He even tells me when he is going away but just says its with some people from work. It might not have bothered me but he sleeps in the sme hotel room with her. He has also refused to go on any trips with me. He keeps saying he loves me but when I ask him to end it with her he just gets angry. He says it is nothing but friendship. Would any one else out there believe him? Am I a sucker in love?? SHould I give up on our almost 15 years of marriage? Baby on way too but he doesn't know it yet as I don't want him to make the decision based on that. OH ya he doesn't think that this is cheating? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, blackberry008  +, writes (30 September 2008):
 Look, what you feel is true. Trust your instincts. If you feel your husband is cheating then he is cheating. And look, no cheater would admit he is cheating anyway right? And tell him about your baby, he has the right to know.
A
female
reader, michelleAKAmandi +, writes (30 September 2008):
 Correction:
You are a wife that loves HER husband and wants to give him the benefit of the doubt.
Sorry I didn't proofread before posting.
Off to bed with me...
Michelle
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A
female
reader, michelleAKAmandi +, writes (30 September 2008):
Hey there,
No, you shouldn't give up on an almost 15 yr marriage. Give it a go at trying to discuss your feelings and getting to the bottom of this. Also, telling him that you guys are expecting. You need to open up all options and go from there. If things don't change SOON, then you should take action to show him that you have to take care of you and the baby and that you don't need the stress. If he loves you and doesn't want you to worry or stress, he will make an attempt to make sure you are happy and do as he should. Otherwise, it's up to you to take the next step.
You're not a sucker in love. You are a wife that loves his husband and wants to give him the benefit of the doubt. As SO many women do and honestly that makes you a good wife to not assume right away and try to work things out. However; don't let it be an ongoing thing that you keep putting up with. There is no sense in him staying in the same hotel room with another woman, I DON'T THINK SO!! Please, I would be at that hotel tearing someone a new... ummm... oh how can you not make sure this is NOT what he's doing? Maybe you are more patient than I am and good for you!! Is there not a way you can find out for sure? On your own? PI's are not cheap and a womans instinct is usually pretty good to go on. I so hope that you are wrong and that we are as well, assuming that he is cheating, but lets be honest... it really looks too suspicious.
I'm long winded as I say so often...
Don't give up, just make sure you check into this a little deeper before throwing in the towel.
Good luck and let us know how things are going.
Take care,
Michelle
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A
female
reader, pashanoodle  +, writes (30 September 2008):
 I think your 'gut' is telling you to be worried for a reason, and you should listen to that.
The thing that bothers me most about this situation is that you have told your husband how bad you feel about him having this 'friendship' with a female colleague (which from what you describe is not normal!) and he completely dismisses it and continues. That is not showing you or your marriage the respect and commitment deserved.
It makes me wonder why this 'friendship' is so important to him too.
Only you can decide if you give up on the marriage - many woman who have discovered an infidelity don;t go on to leave their spouses....but that takes acknowledgment and commitment to repair from both parties.
My advice is to do something to bring this whole mess to a head. Remember you have to be willing to follow through with anything you say you'll do - so make sure you can before you make any threats (eg: you'll leave him)...but you need to tell him that you are no longer willing to put up with him going away on these 'work trips', or to have this personal relationship with another woman - whatever it that you want changed/stopped?
Even if 'nothing has happened' with this woman - the signs are there that your husband is emotionally vulnerable to cheating...my guess is he is already (I'm sorry).He really should think about seeing a counsellor if he has any hopes about keeping his marriage intact, to explore how he got to this point. Perhaps the two of you could see someone together? (You might find talking with someone about how best to handle this situation helpful too?)
You also need to be prepared for your husband to tell you he's not going to give her up...and what will that mean for you?
I know you probably want so much to believe that all this is 'innocent' - but whether there has been sex or not, it is NOT normal - you're right to be suspiscious. Unfortunately you have to accept that your marriage is not in a good place - and you need to take whatever steps you need to to sort that out.
I hope it works out for you.
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A
female
reader, thatgothgirl20 +, writes (30 September 2008):
 I don't think sleeping in the same bed with someone is cheating, but it is likely that he is not sleeping. I think that you should hire a detective, and then I think that you should confront him, and then leave him. Him getting angry just proves that he doesn't want to let her go, and that he really is cheating. I'm sorry you had to go through this.
Take care,
Amanda
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