A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hello. My partner has been separated from his wife for coming up 7years. We have been together for 5. They separated on good terms not great terms and talk every now and then as they sometimes reach out with work networking and general how you doing kind of stuff. Have caught up on the odd occasion when his step daughter graduated , which I thought was nice. I have never taken issue with this in the past as I thought they are well and truly over and I need to show some maturity. One thing both my partner and I have set boundaries is transparency and honesty. This now I'm not so sure he is keeping up his end. His daughter and I have been planning his birthday in secret and she enlisted me to get contacts from his phone. This has never been an issue for either of us as, like I mentioned before-honesty and transparency we use each others phone or check message alerts when they come through, not read then just hey you got a message from so and so etc. Looking for his friend numbers I saw quite a bit of activity of made and missed calls between the two as with messages. We talk every day and I always ask how is your day what have you been up to kind of thing and one one occasion he said his ex had asked to borrow some gardening tools so he took them round. I thought no biggy, he's just being kind and got the impression he just dropped them off. Turns out he spent the day doing her gardening and stayed for lunch going by the txt msg. Another txt they caught up for drinks, not sure where and the most recent they caught up the day after he returned from overseas holiday. I didnt even see him as I was on night shift but he had the day off off work and caught up with her but failed to mention it to me when we spoke and I knew darn well I had asked him what he had done that day. This may be innocent and now Im thinking perhaps saying Im cool that they catch up when its work related or like I mentioned before an occasion when it comes to kids but Im not cool with him not mentioning he saw her upon his return or the extent of spending the day doing her gardening. I was with my ex for 10 years and we left on good terms but I would never feel the need to hang out like this not only because I dont want to but out of respect. Please people set me straight, am I over reacting or should I ask his why he failed to mention it to me. It just seems deliberate.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2023): Everything that Honeypie says applies BUT are they divorced? If not, I'd be extremely clear with him that you want a deeper commitment from him ie. marriage. I have been in a very long term relationship - never married to this partner but was married before - and I can very easily see how, especially with children in the mix, long term relationships can go through years of 'stale' periods where each partner feels bored or like things aren't working out, so they grow apart, only for this to start reversing years later and feel closer again.
I can easily see how this could happen in a marriage, without the couple actually getting round to getting divorced, and even with the best intentions bringing in a new partner in that 'stale' time. Personally, if they're not divorced then I don't think this guy means any ill will at all, but on the other hand, I also think he's the kind of guy that doesn't really get around to having any ill will because he may not know his own mind and may be easily led and doesn't therefore have very strong boundaries in place. Including divorce as a boundary.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (5 December 2023):
 "Should I ask his why he failed to mention it to me. It just seems deliberate."
You should ask him, but TRY not to make it sound accusatory when you do.
And YES, I do think it's deliberate. Maybe not in the way you think, maybe he mistakenly thinks that by NOT telling you, you won't get "hurt" by it. Which is kind of like lying by omission.
I would be very upfront about how it makes you feel AFTER you get your answer to why he didn't tell you.
There are some people who are friends with exes - I find it weird in many cases, being amicable due to kids is fine but he didn't go gardening with her and their kids. Except they don't have little children. But in some cases, people who have been together for a long time se the exes as a friend. It happens.
It's something to talk about and SET some boundaries you BOTH can be OK with.
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