A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Me and my girlfriend have been in a long-distance relationship for nearly a year and a half now. She is the same age as I am. We've been able to meet before, and had a great time for the few days we could be together.Anyways... I love her very much. She says she loves me, and I believe her. She likes to say I'm the cutest thing ever... and that's pretty much it. We get on webcam a lot, of course. Sometimes, "we" do sort of "naughty" things; nothing too bad, it usually involves losing one or two articles of clothing. She says she likes it when I do it, so I usually ask if she wants me to, and do it for her very enthusiastically, because I like it. Over time I realized that she never asks for it, and never offered to do it herself... which of course hurts my feelings. Eventually I worked up the courage to ask her, and she did do it for me (after delaying for two weeks) but it wasn't much, and it definitely wasn't enthusiastic. So... I just felt like total crap afterwards, and guilty, and definitely not happy. I told her that and she said I did nothing wrong, but I suspect she really didn't like it.Am I asking for too much? I mean, I can't help but want these things, especially when I don't get any physical contact with her. It seems like she thinks I should do things like it for her, but she's too good for it.I'm an intellectual sort of person, and have a lot of interests. She's... not. Whenever I'm talking about something that, granted, might be a bit dorky/boring, I try not to go on and on but I am very passionate about some things. I could talk worth several paragraphs and she'll respond entirely with "Yeah" Now, don't laugh, but I actually cried over that the last time she did it, because she does it every time, and it's awful for me. Whenever she talks to me about something, which is usually some band or friend or thing at school, I listen and engage in the conversation. Why doesn't she reciprocate?She's also very jealous. Anytime there is another female, regardless of age or whoever the person is, she gets jealous if I speak of them in any way or hint that I was within 10 feet of them. I wouldn't dream of cheating on my girlfriend, I never have, and never will. However, I do volunteer work, and I can't help but have to work with some other females who are also in the group. It isn't as if I flirt with them. But she is MEAN to me about it! I'm always getting yelled at and shunned and everything else over it, always made to feel like crap. So, I've told my girlfriend that I don't understand why she's so jealous, when I haven't done anything wrong. She claims she's been trying to improve... but she definitely hasn't.This on it's own wouldn't bother me as much if it weren't that I have way more reason to be jealous and paranoid than she does. My girlfriend has a bunch of guy friends (she's not a tomboy), I know only one of them personally. She loves to talk to them and talk to me about them... half the time that's what she talks to me about after she blows off whatever I want to talk about. She likes to send me pictures of her with them, and text them while we talk on the webcam, and talk to them pretty much all day on Facebook and all that. It hurts my feelings and makes me jealous and I've just now told her that it's "a little rude" to text them while we talk on webcam but I really feel like screaming... I know that's what she'd do if I dared to do anything like that with girls.Basically, I feel like my girlfriend doesn't care about my feelings and needs, or doesn't even think about them, and I'm depressed about it. At the same time, I have always been under the sort of conviction that the boy is supposed to sort of "deal with it" a lot of the time in the relationship, and put the girl's comfort first. But it's practically tearing me apart here. Of the few times I've asked her or tried to gently confront her about anything, she always response with a quick "sorry" and changes the subject. I ask why she does that, and she ignores me and changes the subject... then I give up.Thank you for taking the time to read all of this. What should I do?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2010): Original poster here. I see your points about the webcam stuff, and I think you're right. I'm going to lay off of it.
Unfortunately, because of the distance, we don't get to see each other in person much at all.
We do have things we share... we talk nearly all day, about our lives and what's bothering us and what we're happy about, all that jazz. So, I do feel a connection to her. I am very attached to her and despite all this I completely adore her. Every other girl to me is "pretty, but not my girl" if you know what I mean.
Lol, I guess I shouldn't be complaining so much if I'm gonna be all attached like this. It's nice to vent though.
A
male
reader, shawncaff +, writes (10 December 2010):
 Yes, I am curious about what Aunt Honesty below alluded to: what do you two have in common? A relationship that works is built on similar values and beliefs. Of course, there can be room for difference, but you should share basic core values in common.
Aside from physical attraction, what do you think you two share? I wonder because if it is not interests (you have many, she doesn't), and if it is not trust, and if it is not respect and sensitivity to each other...then what is it?
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (10 December 2010):
 I have a question to ask you....what exactly are you getting out of this relationship? I feel that the answer is nothing and i think you should concider finding another girlfriend that will treat you better.
Ok lets start from the start, as for her doing 'naughty' things for you over the webcam maybe she just doesnt feel comfortable doing this, from a girls point of view here a lot of women can act confident but when it comes to doing things in front of a camera it can get a little embarressing and we just dont no what to do, therefore if she doesnt feel comfortable doing this then i think you just need to leave it at that, and if you are wanting a more physical relationship then you need to spend more physical time together.
Ok i have another question for you, do you actually get to spend much time with your girlfriend face to face? I do understand that long distance relationships are hard work and take a lot of commitment and patience, but do you still get to see each other on a regular basis? Its all good keeping in contact with a partner through the computer and phone but you also need to spend time together as a couple doing things so that you know you are both compatible with each other by spending quality time together.
Ok so on to her jelousy issues, to me she sounds quite immature and is trying to control you. Dont let her. She picks arguments with you because you spend time with other girls even if it is at work, this is really immature behaviour, if she want to be in an adult relationship then she needs to start acting like an adult not a sulky child. She needs to get in to the real world and see that relationships only work if there is trust there. You need to be able to breathe and spend time with whoever you want. It seems to me like she is trying to get a reaction out of you by flaunting the fact that she has plenty of male friends and there is nothing you can do about it. It sounds to me like she is trying to make you jelous and make you see that she has plenty of men in her life other than you.
So after saying all of that, are you getting anything out of this relationship really? You might feel you love her, but she doesnt love you, she is treating you horribly, she doesnt care about what you have to say she doesnt listen to you, she just says yes and changes the subject almost like you are boring her. I think she is just using you for the fun of it. I think that you can do so much better and you deserve so much better, what ever you decide, goodluck...!
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