A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend and I have been dating for about 1.5 years now. She is 19 and I'm 21. When we first started dating we saw each other quite often- 3-4 times a week, which is expected at the beginning of any relationship. We usually spent some time alone, some with her friends and sometimes parents too. Our families are close and her parents really like me. As our relationship progressed, we started seeing each other a little less (1-2 times a week). Also, school started for both of us around this time, so it was understanding. Both of us also have jobs and live with our parents. We talk on the phone almost everyday, so the communication is definitely there.But anyhow.......so finally summer rolled around and I thought that things will change and we will go back to seeing each other 3-4 times a week like we used to. However, the complete opposite happened. We are now seeing each other like once very 2-3 weeks.....and when we do see each other, we always end up hanging out with her friends. We almost never spend any alone time together even though we live like 10 miles away from each other. It is literally like a 10 minute drive to each other's house. I call her and ask to simply go to the park for a walk, or to have dinner with me at a restaurant and she tells me that she too tired, or gives me some other lame excuse like she has to go grocery shopping with her mom, when in fact she just sits on her computer checking her myspace or chatting with her friends on AIM. We recently had a talk about this and she got really mad at me about it. She told me that she is simply not ready for a serious relationship yet. She even said that I am a great guy and sometimes she wonders why I am with HER and not someone who would be a little more clingy to me (shocking, no?). I am also her first REAL boyfriend. She had a long distance relationship before us; however, she says that she didn't even consider it much of a relationship - more like a friendship with another guy. I was very understanding about our conversation.Ok, so to make a long story short....we haven't seen each other now for almost 3 weeks and its driving me crazy. I mean, is this normal??? Seeing each other once every 2-3 weeks and living that close to each other. I don't know of any couples that do that. I mean, I'm a nice guy and all. I treat her nice, I pay for her everywhere, I buy nice gifts, and I love her to death!!! She also tells me that she loves me a lot. Also, I am always the one that does all the planning for our dates. She has never asked me to go anywhere with her alone, unless its with her friends.I am 100% sure that she is not cheating on me. She is a really really nice and honest girl. We totally trust each other and she tells me EVERYTHING she does- whether it be with her friends or parents. Also, we don't have sex, and she has made it pretty clear to me that she doesn't want to have sex till marriege; which is totally fine with me. I am not one of those "desparate" horny dudes that are only in a relationship for sex. We even talked about getting married in the future.However, lately it has been driving me crazy that we are not spending enough time together. It has gotten to a point where I am starting to think about a break up. I have told her numerous times that phone calls aren't enough and that I need to physically see her more often- even if its only for a couple of hours. I am really upset and haven't been answering her phone calls and now I think that she is upset at me and doesn't call me anymore. I mean, seriously, I find it exremely hard to believe that she doesn't have a few hours in a week to see me. Sometimes she even tells me that she goes to have coffee or lunch with some of her friends-- which really upsets me because she could use some of that time to do something with me. I just know that it is not healthy to spend this little time with each other.So what do I do? Should I tell her we need a break even though I don't want to ever break up with her?? Is she taking me for granted? Does she not feel the same way about me anymore!? Is she losing interest in the relationship!? I love her dearly and find it hard to imagine life without her!! I am soo confused! Please please help me!!
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female
reader, accused +, writes (3 September 2008):
 I am proud of you for actually talking to her and sticking to your guns (even though I know its hard)...You did the best thing for you, her, & the relationship! Now as far as you wanting to know about who calls who? My advice is "You" should call her, considering you started the conversation of taking time off, first... Don't just jump right the point of saying what did you decide? Just call and have a somewhat friendly conversation, don't hold out your feelings but don't put them all out there either... You've only requested a break.. NOT a break up! You should be able to tell where the conversation is going, if you've not spoken to her in a week or so, and you call only to get the cold shoulder, or excuses, etc... then you should start looking at this whole thing differently.... When you love someone you love them, and you want to spend time with them, more than a phone!... So by you telling me that you've not spoken or seen her in awhile, only makes me wonder if she's missed you? Sometimes we think the grass is greenier on the other side, but we forget that its still got to be mowed!
The wedding: Attend & treat her with respect... Remember you love her & YOU want to be with her... The whole time apart thing is your idea to let her breath! and to figure out what she wants... You don't deserve to be with anyone that can't treat you the way you should and want to be treated.... So look at this whole wedding thing to see if this brief (but much needed time apart) has done anything positive for your relationship..... Please keepe posted..You can drop me a private email if you wish...
Best of Luck,
Accused
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2008): You where placed in a friend zone. She sees you more as a friend the a romantic interest. Being there for her all the time and sending her gifts, and always paying, while you think those are good things, are actually pushing you apart. She is gets board, and knows what to expect every time, and wants some excitement and danger. She sees you as a wuss, and is wants some more excitement in her life.Ever notice how women always seem to like people you would consider jerks? It is not because they like being treated bad, it is because they like the excitement, and the confidence that those jerks portray. Women are attracted to confident strong men. By making yourself to available, and always doing things her way, or doing all the work in the relationship, you are showing weakness and in turn she looses respect and interest in you and starts seeing you as a wuss, not someone that portrays a strong scene of confidence and self worth. And in turn she looses attraction for you, and will eventually start looking for it else where.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@ Accused: So last week I had a talk with her and told her that we need a break from the relationship to figure things out. I made it clear to her that we are NOT ending the relationship; but are simply taking some time away to re-evaluate what we really want from this relationship. She cried a lot, but eventually agreed that maybe it's a good idea.
It has been a week already and we haven't contacted each other in any way. Now, I have a question: Should I wait for her to call me?....Or should I call her after a while to see how she is doing or something?
Oh, and another thing is that we our families are going to a wedding soon and both of us will be there. So, how should I act when I see her? I think its gonna be kinda weird.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2008): Im a guy of 20 and the EXACT same thing is happening to me right now. Like you, I am getting frustrated with the amount of time I spend with her (or lack of time). She comes up with all types of excuses (lies) to avoid seeing me. I won't describe the full situation, as it truly is identical to yours, but I will say, that I suggested we have a break and take things from there, that was a few days ago. Sorry I don't have any answers, but I am going to back off from her a little, in general, to see if that somehow brings her closer. I hope it works!! Keep me posted on your situation.
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A
female
reader, accused +, writes (20 August 2008):
I must say that you seem to be a down to earth man. My advice to you is to just back off for a little while, I am not saying to break up with her or anything. Sometimes we want to keep things just as they were when we first met that person, but the only thing that will ever remain the same is that "Everything Changes". Also I understand how you feel about wanting to be around her GF more than just a phone. You stated that you've brought this to her attention; So maybe now you should talk with her and simply ask: "If she needs a break from the relationship?".. I know its not what you want to do, but sometimes we have to let go in order to see what it is that we are really trying to keep. If you've explained to her your needs, and she's either getting upset or states that maybe she isn't ready for a serious relationship, then there is either a lack of communication or maybe she is having some sort of feelings that she can't express to you... Either way you will have to know one way or the other whats going on with her.... Please keep me posted and best of luck... Accused
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