A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:So I've been dating a girl for more than a year, and we plan to live together soon.We live on different sides of the country and met when she was in town on a business trip, but manage to meet up quite frequently, often for several days at a time.We clicked right away, and got a little serious in our planning a little quickly.Certain things give me reason to worry. The first is that she's a true social butterfly - constantly spending time with male friends - often in a one-on-one setting - with her phone off. She'll also go out to parties and return at 5am, then call me (time difference - her 5am).When we spend time together, different men text her constantly, asking her to join them out around town (usually simple social party stuff, but it really is constant). Even though a flight is involved, it's still strange that she's never invited me to meet her family (parents), as she has met mine. And there have been plenty of opportunities, but there's always some reason why I shouldn't. I'm not a man who makes a poor impression either.She'll keep her phone off or not return calls for hours on end - even when she said she'd call in five minutes. But I think she does that to everybody, and has no idea that it is rude. She's argued with many other friends about flaking out of social events (including weddings!) and not answering her phone the whole time, and seems to have no idea that this is a selfish move. Most of her friends still do not know she is in a relationship. She explains that to me by going on about how her life is her life, and they don't need to know about it.She has at least once straight out lied to me about her whereabouts. The thing is, without going into details about the event, I know that she wasn't cheating or anything, just trying to avoid an awkward situation.She has a sweet voice, and is fun to be around, and is absolutely gorgeous, and I love her, and she professes love for me constantly. I think she's a lovely person, just one with MANY quirks - some of which are difficult to deal with in a relationship.Things have been shaky, and I've initiated breakups in the past when all these things have gotten too much for me. Obviously, as I'm writing this, the breakups never took.Both my friends, and Her Friends think she's bad news for me and have told me so. In fact, so have my parents. On the other hand, I greatly enjoy the time we spend together, and I know that she's a closed off person, so all these people saying things to me don't see all her sides. Plus, the stuff coming from my friends and my parents has certainly been influenced by me blabbing to them about my own concerns.After knowing me for a year, she'll still occasionally ask me the absolute stupidest, most stereotypical, and bordering on ignorant questions about my race and religion. She's a minority herself, and I would think she would know how horrible these questions she asks sound, but she doesn't - and the fact that she'd even have these assumptions after a year together makes me think that there are still very basic cultural things that she really can't see past.I don't want to see this thing go out the window, and if I turn off to her because of these problems I have, I'll always wonder if I was wrong and she really was the sweet girl that I enjoy spending time with. But it all happens too frequently. and I'm concerned that if the move in happens, we'll argue constantly (she picks arguments with me frequently - I can never seem to say the right thing). But if we don't move in, all of these problems that come mainly from us being long distance, will continue to fester, and will most definitely end this relationship between two people who I believe truly love each other. If not, why would she profess her love constantly, and fight so hard against our breakups?If you've read this long, please give a response. Am I fooling myself? Is there a chance that when she moves in (a date RAPIDLY approaching), we'll be perfectly happy together and just be two people in love, or will she still be closed off, which will lead to me still being suspicious?Thanks.
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male
reader, beforeitslate +, writes (3 July 2010):
I could only think of 2 things right now, use her or get rid of her. Just tell yourself that she is not serious about anything...dont realy show any concerns and just enjoy the time you spend with her and just dont talk about marriage blah blah blah...other thing is if you thinking about living together and dreaming she is going to love you forever and only you...and if you are an emotional guy....i know its hard...just get rid of her.....with whatever I understand from your post...she seems to be a real bitch.Cheers bro...so many fish...so much water...you just need to swim and your little tears will not be noticed when you are swimming...dont take your head out of the sea for long...then you will hurt yourself hehegood luck.
A
male
reader, beforeitslate +, writes (3 July 2010):
I could only think of 2 things right now, use her or get rid of her. Just tell yourself that she is not serious about anything...dont realy show any concerns and just enjoy the time you spend with her and just dont talk about marriage blah blah blah...other thing is if you thinking about living together and dreaming she is going to love you forever and only you...and if you are an emotional guy....i know its hard...just get rid of her.....with whatever I understand from your post...she seems to be a real bitch.Cheers bro...so many fish...so much water...you just need to swim and your little tears will not be noticed when you are swimming...dont take your head out of the sea for long...then you will hurt yourself hehegood luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you, everybody, for your responses. Perhaps I was shallow, more likely I was simply smitten, and willing to look past a heck of a lot. Anyway, here's what went down, and it's an interesting story - one that I wouldn't share if I were a brighter man, as it does not show me in my best light - I couldn't let that girl go. I loved her and adored her and made it known. She needed a change from her job and lifestyle, and decided to move to my area of the country, and we rented a nice apartment together, after living in my cruddy little apartment for a short while. During those two months while she was living with me in my cruddy place, I supported her financially and helped her find work - despite the fact that we argued nonstop, and she would be nearly anti-social to friends of mine, while insisting I travel great distances to see friends of hers. While moving to this new apartment that I had placed an enormous deposit on, I discovered a goodbye letter from one of her friends back home. At first I thought it was an old love letter that I had written her at some point, or that she had written me, because of the hearts on the envelope. Of course, once I opened it up - it was a letter to her, but not one that I had given her. It was a MARRIED man who she was friends with, and whose creepiness had been a source of tension in our relationship - saying goodbye to her - and making it clear that he hopes and believes that they will be together again. Their history was made clear in no uncertain terms somewhere in between the highly romantic Hallmark-penned prose, and the three page, carefully columned letter enclosed, in which he called her his lover, and his sexy girl. Of course, it was wrong to read it - and in my defense, I had honestly opened it thinking it was a romantic gesture between the two of us (making for one of the more unpleasant moments of realization in my life) - but nobody in my situation would have been able to put that letter aside - not with a history of dishonesty within the relationship.I told her about it, and she explained that I misread, that it was no big deal, etc. I asked her if I may look at her phone, and after understanding how important it was to me, she let me see it. Texts from this married man included "I love you" and "Come play with me."She continued to explain how this was just the nature of their friendship, and she says I Love You to all of her friends. That one, oddly, came as a blow to my ego, as I was only saying that to one person at the time. I explained that I truly loved her and wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt. If I could discuss these texts and the Goodbye letter with this man's wife, her and I would be okay. She said that would probably be inappropriate. I explained that I needed to know that his wife was alright with him writing these things to another woman. She said that I really shouldn't. I explained that she would have to leave my home.We had a turbulent month where she planned to leave, and requested constantly that she stay, and insisted that I was mistaken in believing that she had been so dishonest with me. She has never admitted cheating on me- although in one text after the fact, she wrote "I'm sorry that I cheated us out of a beautiful thing".She continued to contact me after the move, telling me that she misses me and she loves me. Tomorrow morning I need to be in work at 8am, and I likely won't leave until 3am, only to return very early the following day. Yet at 3:48am, I'm writing my life's story like a crazy man on a site called Dear Cupid.Because after months of trying to put this thing in my past, at 11:30pm tonight, her friend called me to tell me how stupid I am for letting her go - and that now somebody else will have her - Right Now. The overall drunkeness and background partying on the other end of the line made it abundantly clear to me what her friend was calling me to gloat about. Her friend went on to tell me that nobody had ever gotten through to this girl the way I had, and how this girl had never fallen in love with anybody the way she fell for me, and that I was a fool. Then she continued to gloat about the fun my girlfriend was having at that moment which prevented me from being able to speak to her, to ask her exactly why this call was taking place.I expected my stomach to turn or my heart to hurt, or anything else to happen to indicate that I was bothered by the idea that as I was trying to go to sleep, my ex-girlfriend had anything but sleep on the mind. But none of that. Simply thinking. And inability to sleep - and a longer-by-the-minute post to a website that's beginning to read more like a psychologist's office transcription.In the end, I still have doubts that she ever cheated. But I shouldn't. All of my friends found her objectionable for a variety of reasons, and my parents dislike her. I am a stupid man who was blinded by smit. Despite overwhelming evidence not only towards her dishonesty, unfaithfulness, but also to her selfishness and lack of character, and inability to even feign interest in a culture other than her own (when we were serious and discussing children, I suggested they learn both cultures - even though I'm not heavily into my own culture - I'd someday like my children to at least know where they came from - and she asked "why can't we just raise them like normal people?"), among other things that would have been a deterrent to any intelligent person, I continued to love and accept her.If you've actually read this whole thing, I'd better make it worth your time - so here's a simple, and amazingly true piece of advice that I was given on this very posting - trust your instincts. If there's smoke, there's probably fire. You don't want to believe it, but once you strongly suspect your partner is being unfaithful to you - the relationship is over anyway. Most of us learn a few hard lessons in love before finding that perfect someone. Tonight, as I was unable to sleep, I realized that I have finally learned mine.Although not entirely - even though I would never entertain the thought of us being together again, and am fully aware of several horrible sides to her personality - I still love her like I've never loved a person before.Hopefully now that I've gotten that out of my system, I can catch a few hours of sleep before the workday.And perhaps one of the three people who will read this post in the next ten years will be at an earlier stage in a similar situation, and won't wind up committed to a year lease in an expensive ground level apartment that they never really liked in the first place.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2008): Hey, as I was reading I felt like it was something I was typing, only tha my gf is cold, and besides all the partying and males calling.. guess where she works.. Hooters..
I pretty much have the same problem. I think this might help you and pray to God it helps me.
I ALWAYS every day every chance I get show her how much I love her, I do stuff for her, buy her things, watch out for her tell her how much she means for me and she pretty much does nothing.
See the problem is that the love, safety, respect, and everything i offer to her, she takes it for granted
Well.. this's what i'll do from now on.. I won't cheat on her but i'll make her feel insecure, even though I'll be dying inside i'll cancel plans with her, I'll not see her nor call her nor text her, nothing, I'll let her feel like she's loosing me and when she says I'm different I'll say I'm not... Hopefully she'll come to realize all the things I'm giving to her for free as many women would kill to have and then realize my value and start treating me as I deserve.
As painfull as it could get (I LOVE HER WITH ALL MY HEART SOUL AND BOYD, I WOULD DIE FOR HER RIGHT HERE AND RIGHT NOW IF NEEDED) if she does not appreciate all the things i'm giving her, she does not deserve me..
Hope this helps both you and me and please wish me luck, I'll pray day and night (even though I'm not religeous) for her to realize what i'm giving to her.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2008): I think she is happy with an anonymous man, sadly there are probably others like you. To the other guys, you are probably just a social, party-type friend. This sounds very sad as I can tell you love her, however as someone already said, "love is blind". I think you should pull up that stakes are make a move toward someone who will give you the respect you deserve, that person is out there and will show up when the time is right. I'm sorry that you're in this situation. I unfortunatlely have first hand experience in this exact situation. She left for college and turned into a different person. Male friends became more important that our own relationship, she would defend ignoring me by saying, "I don't want to be rude" (to her guy friends). If you really mean so much to the person, you are more important than most everything else and that will show in everything they do.
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A
female
reader, PreciousNY +, writes (2 May 2008):
It doesn't sound like she is a keeper. You say that you love her, but love is blind. You can't see through her, but you should listen to your friends and family....they have no emotional attachment to this girl and can see through her phony personality. They are outsiders looking in a different perspective than you. You say you love her, but I don't think you love her for her winning personality, you love her for her looks and that is going to end in a disaster on that itself. There is much more to a person than her being "gorgeous" and "fun." And frankly how can she be much fun when everything about her is rude and inconsiderate? You have an advantage here.....you do not live close by and if you break up with her, you won't have to worry about running into her....you will get over it so much easier. Good luck with whatever you decide.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2008): This seems rather contradictory, first she is the sweetest girl that you like to hang around with, and most of the other times she is inconsiderate and rude, and asks you pointedly hurtful questions about your race and religion.
She has never introduced you to her parents even though you have flown many times accross the country and vice versa to see each other...and she has met yours.
She is gorgeous and has many superficial friends it sounds, lots of male attention and plenty of invites to party until wee hours of the morning.
And you don't say much else about her, like she is intelligent, she is caring, she has values similar to yours, she is ambitious, she would make a great mother, she has some really interesting hobbies.
My take on this is that you are physically attracted to her, and you have settled for a superficial relationship. All your friends, her friends and your family can see it....and feel so strongly about it they actually tell you she is bad news. Studies show that your family would do a better job of picking someone for you than you do, but of course we don't listen to family, but why don't we? They know us well, they have our best interests at heart, but of course they aren't always objective, especially when you tell them about the bad stuff and problems....and they don't see the good things...
She fights so hard against your break up most likely because you are reliable and she knows she has a keeper, someone that she can take for granted and that you will always be there as long as she can reassure you and make empty promises to you, you will cave in and stick around. She confuses your steadfastness for love.
She sounds like a girl who hasn't had to develop herself because she is pretty....she doesn't sound like she is ready to settle down. Living together will make it glaringly obvious just how incompatible you are, and it isn't a real commitment as you both will always have one foot out the door...so I can't recommend it, perhaps she could move to be near you and keep her own place.
Are you moving to her part of the country or is she moving to be with you? I can't see her being happy giving up her entourage and if she leaves all that, she will be back on the plane in a month, tops.
Well, anyway, I hope I am wrong and you will live happily ever after, but it doesn't seem like there is a great foundation here, only window dressing.
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