A
female
age
41-50,
*ightaphodite
writes:A decade ago my hubby and I moved to one of the most beautiful and touristic cities in Europe. We knew that our friends would visit. And they did. One more than others, let’s call her K. She’s smart, witty, sociable, makes friends easily … and she could easily be the grasshopper in a story where we are ants. She has many qualities so I feel horrible that I’m going to present her in this rather one-dimensional way.A long intro: Until two years ago we used to rent a somewhat bigger one bed-room apartment with an independent living-room which we used as guest-room whenever our friends would stay with us. In the first 8 years, K. would visit at least once a year and stay for a couple of weeks. To be honest we were getting less and less thrilled since it became obvious she was taking us for granted. She would invite herself over, in a way just telling us when she planned on coming. Once she came, she would treat us as a hotel with full board. She used to come and go as she pleased. She spent some of her time sightseeing (which is great) and seeing other people she knew here (she calls them “friends” but never once did she stay with them, nor had they invited her) whom we never met, since she never wanted to introduce us to them (which made us feel a bit second-best, since they’re all artists, and we have ordinary jobs). When she was in the apartment she would constantly stare at her laptop, mostly FaceBook – I’m not exaggerating! I remember having conversations with her (or trying to) over that bloody thing! We helped her a lot in the last ten years. I’m not saying this because I think she owes us something, but to make it clear that we owe nothing to her. Actually, she has a whole bunch of us - friends, whom she likes, but who happen to be extremely useful. She has no problem letting us always pick up the check (even though we’re not rich), asking us for money etc. The difference between us is that she’s trying to be an actress (still supported financially by her struggling parents), while we work for a living, maybe that’s why she thinks we have more money? Btw, we are all in our late thirties now.Anyway, we are probably the only ones who never directly “loaned” her any money. The last time she asked, the moment we set firm conditions and defined when she had to pay us back, she found someone else to take the money from.During her last visit we had a chat with her, saying what was bothering us… We were delicate and not resentful, telling her how much we cared for her, but that some things had to change. Oddly, she was not surprised. It turned out that she already had some similar conversations with certain friends (mostly those who lent her money she never repaid). However, she continued treating us more or less the same.Present-day: We moved into a drastically smaller one-bed room apartment with a pass-through living room. We knew from the start that it would be very difficult to let people stay with us, especially for a long period of time. I remember my hubby saying that there’s no way she was going to stay with us for as long as we were here. It wasn’t a vindictive statement. Just precocious. You see, I neglected to mention that the last time she stayed with us, on top of everything, she broke the sofa she was sleeping on. Could have happened to anyone. But the problem is not her weight 270 lbs… it’s the way she (mis)treats other people’s stuff. Not wanting to hurt her feelings we said nothing about it. She’s really sensitive about her weight.To finally get to the point, when she wrote to me a couple of days ago inviting herself over again, I kindly but firmly told her that it would not be possible since the apartment was too small and offered to help her find another solution for a couple of days. My cousin’s apartment is nearby and he happens to be out of the country. It has all the basics (bed, electricity, water…) and my cousin, who knows her and likes her, has already said yes. So I haven't told her to go and ask sme of her maany (fancy) "friends". I even offered a possible solution.The problem is that my hubby’s father stayed with us for a week this spring and my sister came for a week this summer. She knows all this…It’s been almost a week since the – radio silence. I bothered to find my FaceBook password and check if she was “alive”. And she is, still posting every couple of hours.I didn’t want to hurt her, but I can’t say yes and ignore all the problems just because it would be “rude” to refuse a friend.If she needed to stay with us for other reasons than pure fun (work, medical treatment… i don’t know something serious!), off course we’d say yes. But letting her once again repeat the whole thing felt wrong…
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female
reader, mightaphodite +, writes (29 September 2015):
mightaphodite is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much WiseOwlE and Tisha-l! I've just seen your answers.I've been working on setting boundaries for some time, since it's not something I learned when I was supposed to. And it's not easy, but the older I get the more comfortable I am, or more tired.I was feeling too bad (despite all that has been said) to share this with any of my friends. And neither did she. We are in contact more often, We have even talked a couplE of times. We did discuss the subject of me saying no, but I didn't go into details. Just kept my position and for nw she did not try to make us change our minds. She said she'd ask someone else. Curiously, of all those friends she mentioned only two she was thinking of asking.I feel stupid for not thinking about the possibility that she may ask us to come in the last minute when all of her plans fall through. Thanks for the heads up. I'll be prepared just in case.I hope sh ewon't try the shaming technique you mentioned WiseOwlE as we're always honest with what we have (or rather what we don't have). That would be really low.Thank you again guys!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2015): Setting boundaries and saying no is very difficult; and people know just how to turn your assertiveness into guilt.
They can make you feel so wrong, for taking a proper stance and position; when you finally realize you can't always say yes or please them. Being played for a sucker feels just as bad.
Your home is your private domain, and although we all love our friends; they must show respect for our privacy and property. If they don't know any better,teach them. They will be offended by the word "no;" or a refusal to grant them their every wish. It's the child in all of us, to take offense to being turned down for what we want from others.
Even if she turns to others; they will soon catch on and follow your precedence. Keep everything you discuss between you and her. Don't make it gossip, or a group issue. It stays between you and her, until you iron-out the kinks.
If you can't reason with her, that's when you turn to your other friends for mediation. Not to place others in the position of choosing sides; but to seek opinion and advice.
Don't feel pressured to accommodate her; if it goes beyond your means. People will shame you to make you feel stingy or selfish. Even embarrassed in-front of other friends better off financially. They will pull that card, that maybe you simply aren't as well-off as you appear to be. That's hitting below the belt, and probably why it's harder to refuse her. Looking less generous or prosperous than everyone else.
Don't try to keep up with the Jones's, for appearances.
She's counting on putting a dent in your pride, and that would be handing her the ammunition.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (14 September 2015):
 You are worrying too much about this! So what if you had close family come and stay for a week two separate times? That's how you know the apartment is too small! :D
I would be on guard for her "plans falling through at the last minute" and her trying to shoehorn her way into that broken sofabed again.
You are a kind person to be this polite and supportive of a friend who lacks some of the social graces you exhibit. Saying "no" to a request can absolutely be polite and the right thing to do. Don't feel guilty or stress about this any longer. You have done all you can.
I would do one last thing though, just so you can rest easy. Send her an email, just reconfirming that she has found other accommodation, so that you can pass that information on to your cousin, in case your cousin finds himself with another out of town friend wanting to use his space.
And finally, don't allow her to make her problem YOUR problem. You've been a kind hostess for many years now; it's okay that you can't entertain her in the style to which she's become accustomed.
Just set the new boundaries and enforce them. And NEVER apologize or explain why you 'allow' family to stay for a week and won't 'allow' her to do the same. Two different animals. Not the same and just because you allow relatives to shoehorn into your tiny space doesn't mean it's open reservations at Chez Nous.
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A
female
reader, mightaphodite +, writes (14 September 2015):
mightaphodite is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI posted a reply, but maybe something went wrong and it didn't get published.
THANK you ALL so much for yoru replies. They gave me a needed change of perspective.
I did get a reply from my friend. She was obviusly surprised, maybe a little bit hurt? by my email. She refused my proposition saying that she has no whish to impose on my cousin and that she has plenty of friends who would take her in, including one famous producer.
I really thought it was defensive. Yes. She said that she wasn't really making any serious plans to come in October...
I still haven't replied, but I'mm tell her that that's great that she can mix business na pleasure.
I still feel a bit weird. I'm not used to flatly refusing a friend. But I got to grow up to and take responsability and be able to say no.
Thank you again!
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A
female
reader, mightaphodite +, writes (14 September 2015):
mightaphodite is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI posted a reply, but maybe something went wrong and it didn't get published.THANK you ALL so much for yoru replies. They gave me a needed change of perspective. I did get a reply from my friend. She was obviusly surprised, maybe a little bit hurt? by my email. She refused my proposition saying that she has no whish to impose on my cousin and that she has plenty of friends who would take her in, including one famous producer.I really thought it was defensive. Yes. She said that she wasn't really making any serious plans to come in October...I still haven't replied, but I'mm tell her that that's great that she can mix business na pleasure.I still feel a bit weird. I'm not used to flatly refusing a friend. But I got to grow up to and take responsability and be able to say no. Thank you again!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2015): Some people see friendship as people who help and support you. Some people see friendship as people with whom you hangout and have a good time. Your criteria for friendship and hers don't match.
Refusing to offer someone your home doesn't make you bad people. If she is upset because she can't use you as a resource or for social services; then she may not really see you as friends, but just as a convenience. Let her be silent. You, your husband, and friends are not the public ATM. Dispensing cash when she needs it. Requiring no return deposit. Her lovely disposition may only be the act of one who puts on a facade to exploit the good nature of others.
See things for what they truly are. If she's too heavy for your delicate furnishings, they are your property and you have every right to protect your things. If she always shows up needing money, she only uses people she feels has more than they need so she has every right to take from them. Not to say, that you shouldn't give generously and not want anything in return. I do it all the time. I do pick and choose. Sometimes it's just a poor homeless person on the street. I give without a thought. They can't pay me back. You never know, maybe they will someday.
You're not alone in your opinion of her. You did say the friends who have lent her money have had a talk with her.
She can pull "the weight card" and play poor mistreated needy person; but everyone sees through all that. She is otherwise a good person, so see beyond her quirks. With some caveat. You have rights to set boundaries; and she has no choice but to respect those boundaries, if she wishes to remain friends.
It's her choice if she wishes to end the friendship because she can't have her way. I would say that is to your benefit; if the only purpose of having you as friends is to use you, or take advantage of your generosity. She doesn't seem like a person who can afford to lose friends.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (12 September 2015):
 I read this yesterday but was keyboard wasn't working. I read this again to see if my opinion changed, but it didn't. Since you described her so well, witty, charming, socialable, it felt wrong to say that she is a "user-friendly" friend, but she is. She is not angry, she used up your resources so she is looking for another friend. The friendship basically ended when the option of lodging is gone. At 270 pounds, it's hard for her to gain employment. If she wants to be an actress she needs to travel a lot. If she needs to constantly rely on friends, she'd better be charming and socialable. I think her silence tells you that she might not ever bother you again. Don't feel bad about saying no, but feel bad she has to struggle like this and never find peace in life.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2015): This shouldnt even be a problem.Withdraw the offer of the cousins flat and tell her to get a B&B and offer to meet in a cafe for coffee.She is not your daughter so sort it out asap.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (12 September 2015):
 Sorry but if what you have posted is the reason she has chosen to snub you - she seriously needs and attitude adjustment-and a job. A thirty year old still being financially supported by their parents is just ridiculously funny. Not sure why she can find work as an actress because she is doing an Oscar Award performance at being a spoiled, self absorbed and flakey parasite. In no way should you feel as though you have done the wrong thing here. She has been taking the piss and no doubt embarrassed that you have called her out on it. Good on you.
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