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female
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anonymous
writes: I hope you can give me some help on understanding a friend of mine. We've been friends since the age of 5, (now 30), but there was a decade split where we didn't speak to each other (long story). she was fine to start with when we got back in contact but I am beginning to question why I let her back into my life because I am starting to feel bad about myself again.I am beginning to see signs of possessiveness and her controlling nature again. She was like it previously.It worried me the other day when she said 'there is no-one closer to you than me, is there?'. She knows I've had some family problems and she even suggested I didn't need them, only her. It freaked me out rather and also I thought 'hang on you weren't there for me for nearly 10 years and you suppose we're best buddies again'. I consider her a friend (just about at the moment), but we won't be best buddies again.I am really her only friend; my other friends from our school hate her (so that makes social functions difficult!She is extremely judgemental of people; I have a male friend who is very special to me. I had confided to her (wished I hadn't now) that we both want to be together but he wanted time to get over his ex (I totally respect that) and she keeps being nasty about him and yet she knows little about him and has never met him. She claims she only wants the best for me, and yet it seems like she is trying to drive a wedge between me and him (eg. she said to me recently 'Well, what do you find to talk about?' in a really off-hand way (jealousy perhaps?) as if to suggest that nothing we do or say could possibly be interesting!!! If anything, she is driving a wedge between me and her. I went out with her and her partner recently. It was a really awkward experience for me as her partner wouldn't talk to me at all or make eye contact with me. He looked really uncomfortable. I kept thinking he hated me but then I realised that this only occurs when she is in the room. When she isn't in the room, we chat in a relaxed way and everything's fine. So, I've realised that maybe it isn't me who has a problem but her because it seems she is very controlling over him as well if he doesn't feel he can speak to me when she is around.She and I talked about boyfriends and I said I would never go out with anyone that she had been out with because I don't think it is right and she said she would have no hesitation in doing it saying 'all's fair in love and war'. Somehow she seems to see morals as a weakness.I've also had to deal, throughout my life, with people saying how amazingly pretty she is and watch men falling over themselves to be with her (in fact, even my ex made a comment years ago about how good she looked!). Good looks combined with charisma is a very potent mix!!!I've got my birthday do coming up soon and I really don't want my male friend and her to meet because she will be extremely judgemental of him and I don't want him to be sucked in by her looks and charisma. I just see her as a threat now. I try and limit the time I spend with her because I don't feel she is very good for me and I try and ignore her comments to me.We seem to have a relationship of extremes: a lot of fun combined with a lot of rubbish.I guess I would like to understand what causes possessiveness, controlling, aggressive and jealous behaviour if indeed that is what you think it is, how to combat it, and do alot of people have friends with these tendencies.
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female
reader, helbop +, writes (14 August 2006):
You already know the answer yourself stop all contact with this woman. I used to be friends with a girl from the age of four. We were friends for eighteen years although it got to the point I could not stand her. As they say you cant choose your family, but you CAN choose your friends. I stopped seeing my so called "friend" and never felt bad about it. People change as do their personalities. Just because you got on during childhood does not mean you still will in adulthood. Ditch her.
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