A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I need some opinions to work out if my friend is a freeloader…For as long as I have known her- 8 years she has always struggled with money- she works full time but doesn’t save anything and doesnt think about what she spends and where.What I noticed was that whenever we would go out I’d get the feeling I’d be expected to pay.I think it’s mainly my fault as I’ve always felt sorry for her (she’d have a bad habit of telling me continuously, throughout dinner how skint she was), so each time I’ve always footed the bill. However I’ve had some unexpected financial outgoing that no longer permit me to foot the bill or be as generous. So a while back, when we went out for dinner I decided I wasn’t going to pay for her. I kind of played her at her own game by whining about my financial woes, so when the bill came I suggested we split it in half seeing as we both ate the same thing. She was a bit surprised but paid her bit.When we went out again a few months later she suggested we split the bill 50/50 but this time she had a more expensive meal and more alcohol than me so technically she should have paid more but I decided not to make things awkward and paid half. Which I was then annoyed at myself with! The time after that the same thing happened but this time I actually pointed out I couldn’t stretch the extra £12 for what she had as I was on a tight budget so could only pay for what I had. I noticed that she was taken a back and reluctantly paid her share. Since then she keeps making excuses as to why she can’t come to lunch/dinner. I know it’s because now I’m not paying for her, she can’t afford it. So I kind of feel used, like I was only good enough when I had money to indulge her. Does she sound like a freeloader or have I just totally misconstrued the situation? I feel bad that our friendship has got to this as she is a lovely person, so I don’t want to cut ties with her but I don’t want to be used either.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2023): Not so sure she is lovely. Lovely people don't try to skim money off of you. Even if you were a millionaire it would be wrong. But you come across as apologising for telling her you won't do this or that, so you seem to be grovelling to her for permission to say no! Which makes you sound like a doormat and someone who is desperate to be with her. She uses this to her advantage and plays you, manipulates you, and knows she has you wanting to see her more than she wants to see you, so she gets you to pay for the privilege. I think she is a selfish mean person.
A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (14 August 2023):
 Yes i do think she is kind of a free loader, and she has got used to you footing the bill, or paying for her to have the expensive dinner and extra drinks, which as we both know is not on.
I do think you have to set some boundries and be clear with her before you go out. Also if both of you can't afford it then maybe go to somewhere more cheaper, after all we all should live to our means.
If she does not want to go out with you anymore because of this then maybe she is not as nice a person as you think she is.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2023): Yes she is a freeloader. Next time I would set the expectation in advance. You can invite her out to somewhere reasonably cheap and in the invitation explain that you are skint at the moment so you are unable to split the bill 50/50 and can only pay for the cheaper things off the menu. When the time comes to pay the bill, she will know what to expect. If she doesn't want to hang out any more then she was just using you. A true friend would ALWAYS give as much as take.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (13 August 2023):
 "Does she sound like a freeloader or have I just totally misconstrued the situation?"
She sounds like she takes you for granted when it comes to paying. Yes.
My thing with this is that YOU never told her, I really don't want to pay for your meals, I'm not your mom. So when we go out to eat, I pay for me, YOU pay for you. That would have been honest, instead, you just paid because you "felt" bad that she can't budget.....
Go out to cheap places, with her. TAKE 5 minutes to TALK to her, if she is a LOVELY person and a GOOD friend she WILL understand that it's NOT in YOUR budget to pay for her. SHE us a WHOLE grown woman and need to pay for WHAT she orders.
Se that boundary asap. It can be done in a nice way. But you do need to be firm about it and stop being a push over or doormat.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (13 August 2023):
 Why not suggest seeing her somewhere cheap and cheerful, where you can both afford your bill without struggling? A Wetherspoons or similar?
You can come across as a "lovely person" and still be entitled.
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