A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:At the beginning of July I turned 40. I had been trying to organize a small get together with 4 of my closest friends. We have all know each other between 12-17 years.Unfortunately nobody was available to do this.Each of them promised me they’d take me out to lunch or for a drink etc…. But none of them ever did.I never even got a card or present from any of them, despite me always getting them something for their birthdays! I am the first one in our group to turn 40 so maybe I’m being stupid but I expected a bit of a fuss! Now last week another friend of ours (that is in our group) turned 34 and funnily enough everyone was available for dinner that she organized. She then kindly suggested we celebrate my birthday too, the same time seeing as I never had a dinner all together and the rest of the group agreed. So we all turn up to this restaurant- everyone is armed with gifts for her (me included)- yet there is not one gift or card for me! Then a birthday cake gets bought out- just for her and the restaurant sings happy birthday. Not one person mentioned me, it’s like they completely forgot.I know I sound petty but would anyone else feel upset if this happened to them? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2023): I agree with honeypie. if they are mean with their time and finances for your 40th birthday what else are they mean with you about? Would they visit you in hospital or send you a card if ill, would they make sure they phone you or do you always ring them? Would they bother to make sure they see you soon or let it go for ages and prefer to meet others? If that is the case they are not friends. Sorry but that is the truth of it. They are acquaintances. If they make a fuss of one person and not another that tells you who they like best. Not why and fairness has nothing to do with it. You cannot make someone do things or be nice to you or have good thoughts towards you.
There is another point here. Honeypie touched on it. Don't be quick to give your time, help etc to people before they have proved themselves. I used to do this and had people only coming to me when I was useful for free advice, free listening ear, free lifts and free other things, all things that they would usually have to pay a taxi cab for, a therapist for etc. But in between when they wanted something they forgot I existed. Ask yourself this, if one of those so called friends were celebrating their birthday who would they invite? If they can only invite say six friends would you be one of them? Because if not they are not classing you as a friend but just going through the motions and paying lip service to it sometimes.
I don't think it matters whether it was a fortieth birthday or an ordinary birthday, they should have at least sent a card, without being reminded or nagged.
By the way I work for a website where clients pay for this type of advice and also can use a large free forum we have where you can ask such questions for free. If you are good at giving this type of advice you might as well get paid jobs through it. If you like to receive advice, paid or unpaid, you might as well go there and give it a try.
It is at askagonyauntsadviceonline.com
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2023): You're not being stupid or petty.
It's not OK.
I would have suggested that maybe your friends at the moment, have financial issues, but then you said:
"She then kindly suggested we celebrate my birthday too, the same time seeing as I never had a dinner all together and the rest of the group agreed."
Not even she remembered to bring a gift for you.
Sometimes we value more some people than they value us. There's nothing wrong with that. The problem is that very often these people expect things from us they are not ready to do themselves for us.
I can give you an exemple that illustrates the best what kind of "frienship" I had: I had been saying "yes" to this woman since we were little girls - it was an inherited friendship, my parents were best buddies with hers. As I grew up I realized how one-sided it was but I wasn't able to put an end to this. Until, as usual, she pressurd me to let her come and celebrate Christmas with my family, since Christmas and everything that goes with it was a big thing for her. Now, what would you say to me if I told you that she spent 2 weeks freeloading, was angry that we decorated the tree without her and brought ZERO gifts, while she got gifts from out kids, my husband and myself (3 in total). For all the years that I had known her she never stopped talking how gifts are important (b-days, Christmas...). So she not bringing at least one gift for everybody just showed how much she doesn't care about us. We were there to serve her needs. She made sure that she bought gifts for her other friends and their kids while we were financing her Christmas at our home!
I put and end to this friendship fully aware that some other people, whom she treats well, will "go with her".
One of the best things I have ever done for myself.
You either have friends or you don't. My problem was that our friendship was imposed since I was a kid and in a sense involved other people, something lie a family. I would have NEVER choses or accepted anyone that treats me like she did.
I agree with what Honepies had said. It's just that "giving what you get" is hard in relationships that are supposed to be "friendships". Nobody said yes when you wanted to celebrate your birthday, nobody made an effort to see you at another date, nobody brought you a gift when you met for your other friend's birthday. What would have been a solution in this situation? Not showing up, not bringing a gift? I honestly don't think these poeple woould have missed you or asked themselves why. After several times of dong this (because THEY are a group and you don't get the same treatment), you would just fade out.
So either fade out or have an honest conversation before you leave these friendsips.
I didn't have to do what Honeypie advises in my case, I KNEW that how my friend behaved was not a one off. I was there to serve her. So when you finish examening your relationships with these poeple, you'll have a better picture. Also pay attention to see if there's a pattern, e.g. if things were progressively getting worse.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (13 August 2023):
 "I know I sound petty but would anyone else feel upset if this happened to them?"
I don't think it sounds petty, but to be super frank with you, I would have been a bit butthurt too and I don't even give a rat's backside about birthdays!!!
With all that said, I DO hope you celebrated your 40th with people who DID care.
Happy 40th birthday!
"I am the first one in our group to turn 40 so maybe I’m being stupid but I expected a bit of a fuss!"
Yeah, I don't blame you!
One thing I would do if I were you, is look back and kinda examine this friend group, are they doing this to you often? or was this a one-off?
If this is not actually a one-off -
I would also STOP buying presents for these friends. Apparently, YOU don't get one, so you don't have to give one.
Don't sweat the little things. Just "give" what you get from this group.
If they "invest" 20% in spending time with you, YOU invest 20% to spend time with them. Nothing more, nothing less.
Maybe you need to expand your group of friends. Meet new people?
Unless YOU made CLEAR that you didn't really care about fuss for your birthday, there was no reason for them to do this.
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