A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I've recently become involved with a girl for about the past 11 months now - She is my first GF and I am her first BF. Things started great at first but as time went on things between us have really become somewhat troublesome...Mainly within the last 2 or so months.She has very low self esteem in general and quite an attention seeking/spoiled personality coming form mainly being an only child and having parents who split up when she was young. I am 21 and she is 20.Our problems started when we were talking about our past, I said how I had never had a girlfriend before nor kisses or held hands or anything etc, She then said to me that she had been with another guy about 2 years ago, He was using her and doing sexual things to her etc (Not full on sex, She is a virgin) and although she didn't love him or have feelings for him, She let him do whatever he liked really as she like the attention she was getting from it.Her first kiss was with him and since then she has kisses about 3 or 4 guys and 2 or 3 girls as well, Yet says she regrets this as my first kiss was with her and she wishes hers could have been with me.I got over all this and said it's the past, It doesn't matter now that we're together - She only sees the guy she was with a few times a year anyway so it's not like they are in contact often.What bothers me and is somewhat ruining our relationship however is the fact that online she has about 2 or 3 guys who are in love with her still even now though we are together.She flirts with these guys sometimes, Roleplays with them etc and they constantly try and flirts with her although she tries to say no...Yet sometimes goes along with it anyway.She says she doesn't have any feelings for them yet was in an online relationship (Long distance, As they live on the other side of the world) with one of them for about 2 years, Saying how they loved each other, Would be together, Having cyber sex and sending pics to each other often etc.I feel somewhat cheated on/lied to as she told me she never had feelings for anyone besides me/never loved anyone except me yet she continually talks to these guys on a daily basis online who I -Know- she once was having a LDR with...I even saw old chats of theirs in the past proving it - Heavy flirting, Lovey talk, Explicit cybering etc...The problem is that even though she says she loves me and only me, I know she has a history with these guys - Guys who are still fully in love with her even though she is with me in real life and talks to them daily. Even when we were going out she was still doing things with these guys online and only just recently - As in a few months ago even told these guys online she had me as a boyfriend.I feel like some sort of replacement - Like she doesn't truly love me the way I love her. It feels like she wants me in real life, Yet isn't willing to let online EX's go as she craves the male attention from them and wants them as a backup to fall back on incase our relationship fails.I brought this all up with her and it resulted in huge fights between us, Almost breaking up over it - She knows she's doing wrong - She's in a real relationship with me yet plays with these guys and just leads them on still, Giving them hope she might be with them one day and they fawn over her.Why is everything I do for her, And all my love not enough that she must go to these other people and tease them and flirt and whatnot?She will tend to lie about things and change details of her past to protect herself and come across like a helpless victim who didn't know what she was doing regularly and has grown up with a family of cheaters essentially - From her parents, To uncles, Cousins etc - Almost everyone she knows relationship ended through some form of cheating.I worry about how easily she is swayed with her thoughts and lack of self control and at times feel like just a rebound guy - Since she was getting involved with these guys - And still is even the whole time I've been with her.I could list a page full of reasons why I love her yet if I ask her the same the only reason she ever gave for loving me in 11 months was "Because you're the only real guy who ever liked me"I question if she even loves me like I love her, It seems like the only reason she is with me is because she doesn't feel like any guy could love her (Low self esteem) So accepted the first guy in real life who did just for the sake of having someone...Yet still has online relationships and maintains them to satisfy her need for attention or something and like I said before, To have people to fall back on and love her if this (Her first real relationship/risk/gamble) fails.I don't know what to do, I love her so much and she says she loves me and only me, Yet I feel like I'm just part of a love triangle and she isn't willing to be with me and only me like I am with her.The lies, Mood swings (One minute I'm the greatest guy ever the next she says we should just break up and she's no good for me) , My rapidly lowering trust...I just don't know what to do.I'm ultimately scared of losing her - I love her, I just don't feel she loves me back, She never replies to my texts, Emails... Yet will instantly reply to anything the guys online send her.We both feel she has a lot of general problems with her personality/possible despression and such which probably doesn't help all this.I just don't know how to feel...Can I believe she truly loves me? Or with a history like that is she just playing around and using me in some way, Or potentially going to cheat at any given chance then put it down to being not her fault as she "Couldn't control herself" like she said about why she kissed all those people.Any help please anyone? I would really appreciate it...And sorry for so much text above, It's just quite a long problem and hard to explain.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI spoke to her about all this, She admits she has faults and problems - She said she wants to change and be a better person for me and not be the way she is...But she also doesn't want to change. I take it that means she isn't actually going to change but instead try and control it when she lashes out and not take it out on me etc...She said that guys do flirt with her online - People she's very close with as in people who were once more than friends but are now only friends and when they do flirt she says no and tells them to stop it.Things feel better in a way, I guess I just have to believe it/trust her right?I still don't know if I believe it...But I have to make myself right? If I don't trust what someone says and believe that they love me why am I even with them?Any more advice, Or should I just trust what she's saying and be happy she sees that her problems are effecting me and be happy she's trying to change to some degree.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2011): Please think about this, she DOES NOT love you. Like you said, you have never been in a relationship before so this is your first, this is NOT how a real relationship is. There are millions of girls out there that would truly love you, that would be truly loyal to you. Your girlfriend is NOT loyal, she DOES NOT love you, if she truly loved you she would be LOYAL to you and respect you and LOVE you but she can't even find a reason to love you? The only reason she's with you is because you give her attention but if more guys come alone to give her attention, she doesn't care about your feelings..she's not with you to love you, she's USING you, she's with you to get the attention. She is cheating on you, listen to me, I'm FEMALE and I KNOW a girl would NOT do this to her boyfriend. What she is doing is horrible and nasty, it doesn't matter if those guys are online, she's still flirting with them and she is not respecting you. Please don't do anything stupid like losing your virginity to her, she IS NOT WORTH IT. Please please please just dump her, there are MILLIONS of other girls that are truly loyal and I swear, you will find a wonderful girl who will TRULY love you for ALL of you and love only you, a girl that would have you in her heart and nobody else, please think about it. Your girlfriend does not love you, she is USING you, you are being USED. She acts like the victim so you feel sorry for her, she is unwilling to change, if she truly loved you she would consider your feelings, if she truly loved you she would stop flirting with other guys, if she TRULY LOVED you she wouldn't even WANT to flirt with other guys in the first place!Please please please don't do something you will regret like losing your virginity to her or something, you WILL find a better girl someday, a girl that will truly love you, a girl that will feel COMPLETE with you and be loyal. I know you love this girl but she is NOT relationship material, she is already cheating on you and she will never stop cheating on you and making you feel like you're not enough when you ARE enough, she is the one with huge problems and if she is NOT willing to solve her problems, see a therapist or do something about her problems, if she is not willing to solve her problems for you then please dump her, she is not someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, there are millions of other girls who are deeply loving and loyal, a girl like yours is a horrible person to be with, she doesn't love you please DO continue analyzing things and looking at it, please do NOT ignore it because if you ignore it you will continue with this problem and you won't ever be happy. Problems like this need to be solved and dealt with, you need to focus on YOUR happiness, on the things YOU want in a girlfriend, on what YOU want in a relationship. She is just using you like a toy, she doesn't care about you, if she loved you she would NOT be that way no matter how many excuses she makes, she would at least TRY to solve her problems. You both really need to work it out because it IS a major problem and if she refuses to change then please find another girl that is WORTH it, another girl that is actually loyal and respectful and who would truly truly truly love you for all that you are.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both for the feedback, I will try the things suggested :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2011): Friend try to talk with her regarding sexual things arouase her and have sex with her if possible do exteme sex it wil make ur relation styrong
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A
female
reader, mizz.butterflies  +, writes (1 October 2011):
 the more u address this subject with her,the more insecure ull look in her eyes. so ignore it. whenever she tells u about those guys say "babe ur with me now,dont talk about them please" Then change the topic. Demand respect with ur actions,not words. DO NOT ANALYZE THIS ANY FURTHER. and yes she does love u,but shes a bit confused. give it time. the less u care for the guys, eventually the less SHE will care.
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