A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my fiance for 5 years, but we've only been engaged for 2 years now, the wedding delayed due to COVID-19, lockdowns and social distancing, we were meant to have 150 people at our wedding.However, it's not our wedding that's the focus, but my fiance's best friend.My fiance is the best man to his best friend, who's getting married next July in Connecticut (we live in Arizona), but what his best friend wants him to do has made him reconsider the friendship.His best friend, who's 35, wants my fiance to sleep with him on the morning of the wedding, on his last day as a single man.I know of this as my fiance showed me the texts/WhatsApp conversations.My fiance told him a very firm "NO" and said he'd still be best man, but his best friend is being insistent, said via WhatsApp "It's the last and only time I'll ever get to see you in your underwear, you're still the best man, and you gotta honor it, not gay, just something a groom's gotta do, seeing their best mate in their underwear. Every groom's wanted to do that, see his best man in their underwear".My fiance feels stressed and angry, told me he needs to have it out with his best friend, he feels this takes the best man responsibility way, way beyond what it should be.I should add, there's kids involved in their situation; his best friend has a 2-year-old daughter.Am I wrong to suspect his best friend is gay or bi and should I even tell the fiancee (I know her, but don't know her as a person) about what my fiance's told me, fearing she won't believe me?I appreciate my fiance has a responsible job to do.But why would his best friend make this proposition to him?My fiance wants to discuss this situation more with me, feels uncomfortable over it, but still feels he has to honor the request his friend made (when he was living in Arizona, I remember the proposal his best friend made in the Mexican restaurant at the time).What could or would be his best friend's motives for doing so?Need some help here.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2021): What worries me is that your fiance seems fairly sensible yet has a very odd, in some ways mentally disturbed, immature and dishonest best friend. Usually we tend to attract people to us who are like us, or we want better friends but are not able to get them so make do with low lives. Why does your fiance want such a guy as a friend? If he has known him for years he must have known a long time ago that he was a waste of space but continued to be his friend. I find that odd.
If you cannot trust your fiance to be sensible enough and firm enough to deal with this creature sensibly then your fiance is not worth marrying. He should not need advice from you. He is a grown adult not a baby.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2021): P.S.
This issue doesn't require any interference or participation from you. You may offer your advice or support, of course.
Let your fiancé deal with this man to man. You don't know what the bride already knows. If there is anything she should know; she should hear it from HER fiancé...not you! This whole matter is none of your business, you're merely a spectator on the sidelines; and I think your fiancé can handle it, and still keep his friendship in-tact. Lest it's your goal to destroy it, and someone's wedding; because you're uncomfortable about his BFF's sexual-orientation.
If there was anything your own fiancé needed to hide about himself; he wouldn't have informed you about the matter. He was being totally transparent. Better he disclose it; than let you discover it by accident. It seems he hasn't made a final decision about ending their friendship. If his BFF persists, and doesn't get a grip; the decision to end their friendship is strictly your fiancé's to make. He has already placed that option on the table. You should just stand-by. The answer was "NO!!!" So that is that!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 December 2021):
 First of all, your fiance owed his BFF nothing. Not sexually or otherwise. And no the groom doesn't HAVE to see his BFF in his underwear, I mean WTF?! who would believe that line anyway? And no, I highly doubt that "very groom's wanted to do that, see his best man in their underwear"." That is such a load of bullshit that you need to laugh at it.
He has told him no to the "sleepover" and he needs to JUST stick to that.
Whether the BFF is gay, straight, or bi is irrelevant.
Are you going to the wedding? If so, stick to your Fiance.
If your Fiance feels that this is crossing a line and that the BFF doesn't respect that NO, then maybe he needs to let this BFF know that he is pulling out of the wedding as he does not want to be pressured into something he doesn't want to do. If the BFF can't RESPECT that boundary, the fiance is pulling out of the wedding for starters and perhaps the friendship.
Should you tell the BFF's fiance? I don't know, talk that one over with your fiance. what does he think?
Let's say the BFF wanted to screw his FEMALE best friend, would that be more or less ok? I guess no, it would still be such a betrayal. And it would still be wrong.
Your fiance's BFF is a piece of crap for 1. wanting to fool around with someone else ON his wedding day and 2. for trying to "normalize" this request.
This isn't about seeing your fiance in his underwear. it's about one last "hurrah" before the wedding... And he wants it to have a little twist so that it's with a guy.
Is this BFF looking for a way out of the relationship and wedding? Because screwing around or TRYING to screw around is a SURE way to ruin something before it gets off the ground.
Talk to your fiance.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (1 December 2021):
 I'm not sure why there is a need to "label" your fiance's friend. His sexuality is irrelevant here. What is important is that he is making demands on your fiance/his friend which are making both your fiance and you uncomfortable.
Your fiance has already turned him down. All he needs to do is stick to his guns.
And no, I don't think you have any right to tell the bride to be ANYTHING. You have no proof that this man is gay, bi or anything else. Even if you did, it is not really your business. Also, you don't really know his wife to be. Why spoil her wedding day with suspicions you cannot prove? If there IS anything to find out, let her find out for herself. Their relationship has nothing to do with anyone else.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2021): It's possible that he is gay or bi; which is one in the same, when there is sex with the same gender. I don't see much reason for concern or commotion about this. All your fiancé has to do is tell him that he isn't going to do that; and if he asks again he, he will not attend the wedding. The last and final answer is "NO!" Why is that so hard?
Try to remain neutral in this situation. It's between your fiancé and his friend. Your fiancé is man enough to handle this situation, and it's not all that complicated. Unless you interfere and make it so. Are you now suspicious?
I think he was very wise to have been open with you about the matter; because had you spied on his phone, and seen the messages, you'd have a totally different post. You'd be asking if your fiancé is gay or bi?
He's letting you know, that he is not!!! It doesn't seem to be an issue with their friendship, if his friend is gay; unless this absurd request isn't put to rest once and for all. If you've been friends for any length of time, you've seen your bff in their underwear. If you go to the gym with a friend; or if you have changed together in the gym locker room in high school, you've seen just about everybody in their underwear. Is that so shocking?
Don't worry about your fiancé catching some kind of "gay" virus or picking-up an unknown bisexuality disease. Homosexuality can't be passed-on through friendship or an association with gay-people. Straight-men can be friends with gay or bi men without being gay themselves, or becoming gay-curious. It's a myth...no, better yet...it's a lie. One perpetuated through ignorant or paranoid homophobic people.
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