A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am with a partner who I believe is long term. For context: We had a period of long distance, starting around 2016, where we were on again off again, and when he moved to a neighboring state around 2018; I thought it was fully over. In 2020, I took a leap to reunite with him and moved to his state. I tried to be conservative and I moved to my own place at first, but with covid and convenience, i ultimately moved in with him about 6 months after moving here. Now, we’ve lived together 1 year, so for the first time, are together in the same town. I often feel happy, feel comfortable, and stable and loved. We rarely have arguments (less than once a month, and none unresolved). I experience anxiety, however, and I have had this trend with previous relationships where I compare my love to the love of others. I just watched a YouTube video of someone saying their vows and I felt guilty I didn’t feel the things they felt towards my partner. I avoided a different YouTube video recently because it was about someone getting engaged and I was scared to see information that would challenge my own level of love. I go from one extreme to another; on one hand, I worry my love is not enough. I worry I don’t feel enough, and that others feel more and if I don’t feel that more, I’m in the wrong relationship. The other part of me feels like the rest of what people feel is…maybe exaggerated or fake or just something perhaps I’m not capable of feeling, like a curated Instagram version of love. I do not believe in soulmates so I don’t believe my partner is my soulmate. But my working definition of love is I do believe in choosing a person and that at the moment, he belongs as my chosen person and I continue to choose him. But ask me about 5 years, 10 years and I have no idea if he’s my choice, and I don’t know if time will help, I’m scared I’m never going to “know” and if I don’t know does that mean I should leave now because of that lack of feeling firm in my feelings. Or should I see if my love grows deeper further with time.Another factor that is putting pressure on me is that he proposed to me, back in April of this year. At that moment I knew the right answer was I was not ready, and he accepted that and understood. I have warmed up to the idea of marriage on a more accelerated path than I had for myself, but with all this other stuff in my head, it seems unwise/unfair to do anything more committal if these second-guesses plague me. Do you think my lack of knowing means I'm not truly in love? Do you think my partner is deserving of someone less critical or insecure in her own feelings? Do you think it's not fair to my partner and I should leave because of it? Do you believe there are natural ways to address this, or am I trying to force a feeling that is not there enough? I want our love to continue to grow deeper and at one point I wanted to do counseling but I admit that after I tried one person and didn’t find a fit, I felt fatigued and didn’t follow through on continuing to look (I know that’s a ridiculous number of people and I should keep looking if I think it will help). I have wondered but not asked a clinician if I might have relationship anxiety. Any insight appreciated.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2021): You've said all this to say, you're not in-love with your boyfriend.
You don't feel the deep commitment and certainty required to marry him. It isn't anxiety, it may be relationship fatigue. You've pursued this connection as a romance, and once you've finally caught-up with it; it isn't the fantasy/fairytale romance you've dreamed it would be. You are uncertain if you even love him. If you have to keep asking yourself that, you don't! In your heart, he has been friend-zoned. You feel guilty, because after all this trouble, all you feel is...meh!
How do you compare your feelings of what other people have in their relationships to yours? You would have to have the ability to read minds to be able to measure the depth and sincerity others have in their hearts. Only God Almighty can do that.
You can only compare what you see; which is sometimes nothing more than an act, a put-on, or an illusion for the benefit of viewers or observers. What you have is unique, and created from the feelings and devotion you have for each-other. Not to say your anxiety doesn't come from other sources; and you've placed all the blame on the relationship. In essence, you're not in-love; you've come all this far, and you don't feel the sparks you've hoped for.
If you are not in-love with him; I don't think you should remain living with him and leading him on.
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