A
female
age
30-35,
*rettypenny
writes:I broke up with my boyfriend last week over his bad temper and slight emotional abuse. Anyways we live together so it's hard to completely cut it off and not see him anymore but he said he would be looking for another place to live. We've been doing our best though as I've stayed at my neighbor's house and he goes back to his families house which is about 2 1/2 hours away, and we haven't had as much contact. The only thing is he'll shoot me a text, or a message on facebook and after each message he'll put xoxoxo, or I love you always and forever. He doesn't even acknowledge the split. Meanwhile I've been a mess, crying randomly and so hurt over this. Going through the regular process like over-talking about it to my friends. His facebook message today was to inform me that he was coming home Sunday and that he wonders if I've done anything fun all week and then ends it with xoxoxo. Why is he pretending like nothing happened? Has he not even been thinking about our split, does he not care or does he not believe it's real?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2012): "Is my ex in denial over our break up?"
No, you are.
"we live together"
If you're still living with your boyfiend, then you haven't left him, which means you haven't broken up with him, which means he has no reason to consider himself your "ex," which means he doesn't consider "our" break up to be "his" break up, which means he has no reason to take you seriously when you refer to him as "my ex."
"he said he would be looking for another place to live."
If you had really broken up then YOU would have already physically left him, so YOU would have already looked for another place to live, and YOU would have already found another place to live, and YOU would already be living in another place apart from boyfriend, and YOU wouldn't still living in same place with same boyfriend who has no intentions or plans to either break up or move out, no matter what he SAID.
"Why is he pretending like nothing happened?"
Because nothing happened. You're still living with him in the same place you two lived before alleged breakup. Why are you pretending something happened when you haven't moved out of the residence you two continue to share and he hasn't left the residence you two continue to share?
"Has he not even been thinking about our split, . . ."
He has not been thinking about a split which has happened only in your imagination.
"does he not care or does he not believe it's real?"
He does not care about a split that hasn't happened for real nor does he believe a split that has happened only in your imagination is real.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (30 September 2012):
 He's in denial that it's over.
You will just have to do the broken record technique with him.
He cares. He cares deeply that's why he's in denial that it's over.
This will be hard. He will beg, he will plead. He may threaten to kill himself... He's grieving the death of something so he will go through those stages
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
this will not be a linear path.
He will go back and forth
so what you have right now is DENIAL
next is ANGER (self explanatory)
then it may move to bargaining (IF I DO THIS will you do this)
then it could go back to denial or anger or both...
Depending on how deep the relationship will depend on how long it lasts.
for example you lose your favorite pen (this is UBER simplified to the point that it's almost silly but it's how it was explained to me)
Denial-- I can't believe I lost my pen (relationship)
Anger- I'm so Angry that i Lost my pen (relationship)
Bargaining I promise to insert task you hate every day if I could just find my pen again (get my relationship back)
Depression I'm so sad I lost my favorite pen (relationship)
Acceptance I accept I lost my favorite pen and I will no go buy a new one.... (look for a new partner)
it could take 5 minutes in the case of a pen, 5 weeks in the case of a pet, 5 months in the case of a relationship or longer for the actual death (which is where DABDA comes from)
Wiki actually lists the steps in a breakup:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%BCbler-Ross_model
Grieving a break-up
Denial – The person getting broken up with is unable to admit that the relationship is really over. They may try to continue to call the person when that person wants to be left alone.
Anger – When the reality sets in that the relationship is over, it is common to demand to know why they are being broken up with. This phase can make them feel like they are being treated unfairly and it may cause them to become angry at people close to them who want to help aid the situation.
Bargaining – After the anger stage, one will try to plead with their former partner by promising that whatever caused the breakup will never happen again. Example: “I can change. Please give me a chance”.
Depression – Next the person might feel discouraged that their bargaining plea did not convince their former partner to change their mind. This will send the person into the depression stage and can cause a lack of sleep, eating and even disrupt daily life tasks such as bowel movements.
Acceptance – Moving on from the situation and person is the last stage. The person accepts that the relationship is over and begins to move forward with their life. The person might not be completely over the situation but they are done going back and forth to the point where they can accept the reality of the situation. [4]
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (30 September 2012):
 He's probably thinking that its just another fight, a one that's bigger in magnitude than a others but a lovers tiff all the same. He doesnt seem to realize that you are serious about the break up and he's thinking that once he gets back home, you will probably have calmed down and you can then move on as if nothing has happened.
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A
female
reader, Pimpernel +, writes (30 September 2012):
The best thing you could do is tell him you were serious about the break up. He may be unwilling to accept it and so he's trying to push past it and seek reconciliation. On the other hand, you mentioned he was emotionally abusive, so he could just be disregarding your feelings entirely. Of course, there are probably many more options, but those are a couple that jump to my mind immediately.
Best wishes!
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