A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am concerned about my daughter, I will give you some background information she has a child with her former friends dad who was married at the time. I don't need to say why they are no longer friends. This is all came out when the baby was born. I heartbroken my daughter could do this but thankful for my Granddaughter. My daughter now lives in a flat not far from our house and she has a man visit her every other day, she tells me this herself or neighbours have mentioned it to me. My daughter keeps telling me he is only there to do repairs for her. I have warned her if it is more then I am done with her as yet again he is married. What are people's thoughts why is this older married man going to see my daughter almost every day? How should I approach this? I pray my daughter is telling the truth as I couldn't bare to loose my grandaughter too. She is 25 and attractive girl but I thought I had raised her better not to go after married men. Just awful thinking all this.
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affair, heartbroken, married man, neighbour Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2014): If she is choosing AGAIN, to have a relationship with a married/attached person, and obviously she has already chosen to produce a child with her friend's married father, then she NEEDS someone to tell her that her choices are lousy and not conducive to a happy life. You're her mother so imo it is your job to tell her this asap. She has proven she is incapable of making good choices and this is now going to affect not only her but her daughter. Whether she will listen to you or not is another matter, but she may thank you one day for caring enought to try to steer her away from these disastrous choices.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (21 November 2014):
 I don't blame you for being disappointed. She has already shown that she makes "bad" moral choices. Like making a child with a FRIEND'S dad, who also happened to be married. I can't say I wouldn't be UTTERLY disappointed if any of my daughters did this, but it doesn't mean I can't still LOVE them and support them. It doesn't mean you can't WISH better for her, but it DOES mean that you CAN NOT make her into the person you WANT her to be, she IS her own person.
The thing is, she is now a "grown woman" (yet still your CHILD) but YOUR child or not, she is NOW responsible for HER OWN actions. THIS really isn't about you or how you raised her.
She is bent on making her OWN mistakes. Let her. IF she comes to you for advice THEN you can give it FREELY. But telling her what to do at age 25? no.
Some people can LEARN from other's mistakes. Others? They have to make their own. Your daughter is in the second group.
Don't bring up her dating/sex life (as it's none of your business), let her FIGURE these things out herself. My guess is you TAUGHT her right from wrong growing up. SHE knows. Eventually she will realize that EVERY action has consequences that will AFFECT HER life profoundly.
And let her step down from the "perfect daughter" pedestal. She is who she is. Let her be that woman, SHE chooses to be.
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A
female
reader, Flower89  +, writes (21 November 2014):
 As a women round your daughter's age, I can say to you, don't say anything to her serious. The more you sure your disapproval the more appealing he would become to her. If she brings him up change the subject or just tell her I'd rather not discuss that thanks. Don't give her attention for it.
Another point the fact she is a single mother has nothing to do with her choice to sleep with a married man, if she has form, what was her excuse last time? The reason she became a single mother.
As hard as it is for you just be there for your granddaughter and your daughter will need you when this man gets bored of her, which he will. At the point she will see heow stupid her decision was to sleep with another married man.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 November 2014):
 This is NOT a reflection on you or your marriage or how you raised her.
I agree that it's sad but it's not your place to say anything or place conditions on her.
Love your granddaughter to the best of your ability.
IF your daughter asks your opinion you may offer it.
IF she asks for assistance to enable her to see this man you may deny it as you need not assist her in anything you disapprove of.
You and her nosy neighbors are making a lot of assumptions and gossipinp.
DO NOT ask her about it. it's not your concern... she is a grown woman making her own choices.
DO NOT take her choices personally they are NOT made to hurt or embarrass you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2014): If you are the kind of person who could estrange herself from her daughter because of something like this then I think you need to re-align your priorities as a mother and consider how YOU may have pushed her into this situation.You sound extremely judgemental and not remotely interested in genuinely trying to understand the human psyche in order to help your daughter. You sound selfish and more concerned about YOU and your feelings. To cut off from your daughter in the way you suggest is totally immature.Of course what she's done hurts. But members of families behave in ways that reflect things that have gone wrong in a family itself.She will have gone to an older man and got pregnant in the first place because she will have needed the feeling of love and adoration from an older person (ie a substiute parent who won't judge her) AND she will have combined this by being very naive about how the world actually works in regard to sexual relationships - have you ever sat down with her at a younger age and just talked with her in a non-judgemental way about why people actually have sex? Or have you just forced your own valued judgements onto her, so that there's been no room for her to make up her own mind? Her self esteem sounds non-existent in the first place and below that now.She is going to an older married man again because it means she avoids having to confront the reality of dating and growing up and expressing what SHE really wants from sex and from a partner. She has incredibly low self esteem and this is stopping her from behaving 'normally'; the other respondent is right, single parents can be so low in self value that they are grateful when someone pays attention to them. She probably feels far safer with these older married men because they know how to treat a woman - and how to manipulate one (but she won't be able to see the manipulation, she's just sorely in need of love and confused about sex).YOU have some growing up to do, Stop judging and stop being so utterly ridiculous as to say you'll cut off - this is self-serving, indulgent nonsense. As a mother, one way or another YOUR parenting methods will have fed into this situation and you must take responsibility for figuring out how, beginning with understanding and not judgement.From a mother and single parent of a grown up daughter.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2014): I'm so sorry your daughter is perhaps having another affair. Is her child's father a part of the child's life? This whole situation must be very awkward. I would advise against abandoning your daughter, but I would discuss all of this with her. She needs someone to tell her that what she is doing is completely wrong and will only bring her misery in the end. She is also setting a terrible example for your grandchild so you and your husband need to stay in their lives to help set a better example for her hopefully.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2014): Is this really about you and how YOU feel because you thought you had raised her better than that? If you are genuinely concerned about your daughter perhaps call in on the off chance and bump into this man as he leaves her house. I am assuming as you live nearby and the neighbour has been watching the pattern of behaviour this should be easy. If this guy is having an affair with your daughter if you introduce yourself as he returns to his car or leaves effectively forcing him to go public might be enough to make reality strike. At the moment the fun might be secrecy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2014): My friend is a single parent. She tried online dating and a fair number of men interested in her were married. I think they saw her as more needy and therefore more likely to put up with an affair situation. Unfortunately she has quite low self esteem and for a while did put up with it until I supported her in seeing her own value and that married men were not going to work out well. People make poor choices for lots of reasons....not to shame or annoy their parents. Can you look beyond your own opinion to really see why this might be happening? Perhaps finding out more about feelings without harsh judgement.. Of course without the facts you and the neighbour who decided to tell you are making assumptions....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2014): "Our days are happier when we give people a bit of our heart, rather than a piece of our mind."
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2014): I would go directly to the man himself and ask him point blanc, or psyche him out and say"I know what goes on between you and my daughter, end it or I'll tell your wife."
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (20 November 2014):
 My advice is to stay out of it completely and just enjoy your relationship with your daughter and your grandchild on its own merits. No one benefits from an estrangements and having a relationship with the two of them does not mean you endorse all of your daughter's choices. And if your daughter's judgment is questionable your granddaughter will need a moderating influence in her life. Not as a preacher of morality but as the embodiment of the kind of person she can aspire to be. When you're nearing the end of your days, you are not going to look back with satisfaction that you stuck to your guns. Profound regret, for all those years and opportunities wasted, will be your companion.Whether or not your daughter is dating the man....just leave it alone entirely.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2014): You are all the family your grand daughter knows. Stay in touch with them for her sake but don't hesitate to tell your daughter what you think of her actions
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (20 November 2014):
 Okay that eliminates one theory.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2014): Hi, I posted this question, I have been married to her father for 29 years. He feels the same way as I do on this.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (20 November 2014):
Where's your daughter's father?
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