A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My fiancé's daughter had their first child and it's my fiancé's first grand child. My fiancé is divorced.His daughter is close to her mother and her in-laws. I was not invited to the baby shower that the daughter's grandma (her mother's mother), her own mother and her mother-in-law did for her. I wasn't expecting an invitation although I was still hurt since I don't have children of my own. Unfortunately, I can't help the way feel. Feelings are feelings.I'm trying to be fair here because her father's side never held a baby shower for her and my fiancé's parents are alive and well but are bitter over the past having been kept at arm's length to see my fiancé's children growing up and the children never contact them.My fiancé's grand child was born on Christmas Eve so that makes it even a more difficult situation. They don't spend holidays with us, although we have invited them. They don't stop to see us when they do visit (they live across the state), although they do visit and stay with her mother and the in-laws which are an hour away.It's been silent on their end, but I am expecting them to visit and stay with her in-laws and have a 1st birthday party for their child on Christmas Eve with the grandparents, except for my fiancé.I'm sure her mother and in-laws have planned a birthday party.Do I let him handle this his way? Do I stay out of it as far as presents and let my fiancé proceed in how to deal with this.I'd love to dote on the child, but I would never step on the grandparents toes. I'd like to make or give presents for the child. All children need love despite the situation they were born into. It's not their fault.I try to put myself in his daughters shoes as I know it has to be a difficult to balance this without someone being hurt, which usually is her father.It's just sad to see how things get played out. My fiancé will miss his grandchild's first birthday.It is best to stay in the background regarding this.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 November 2014):
 I would just send a lovely present and card, that way she knows you both are thinking of her and the baby.
Hopefully at some point in time the daughter will realize that the stories her mom told about her Dad aren't all true.
One of my best friends, left & divorced her husband after 20 years of marriage. They had gotten married when he was 20 and she was 16 and it was NOT a happy or healthy marriage. SHE stayed for 20 years for the KIDS. To see them grown and out the house before she left.
BOTH her daughter KNEW how miserable their parents marriage was. How controlling and abusive their dad was. Yet, the youngest daughter CUT her mom off. TOTALLY. Because she didn't like the idea of people leaving, no matter what. It's been 15 years and she still refuses contact with her mom. For whatever reason SHE blames her mom for the divorce, not the Dad's ACTIONS which LEAD to the divorce.
My friend misses her daughter. She sends presents for the grand-kids and cards on special occasions. But that is all she is really "allowed" by her daughter. And even though it HURTS her, she respects her daughters choices.
I know it sucks.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2014): The OP here. I can only speculate that his daughter may hold him responsible for the divorce, but it was her mother that asked for the divorce and kicked him out of the house. His ex-wife, according to my fiancé, would say vile things about him to his children growing up and she would never have their children stay long with his parents and she refused to get a job. So naturally his children gravitated towards the mother's side. She offered the emotional support while he, the dad, offered the financial end.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2014): I sense that this is as much about you having a relationship with the grandchildren as it is about your husband having a relationship with them. I see these as separate issues. And I think it would reduce the hurt and disappointed and even rejection you feel if you see it in the same way. He is their biological father with whom they share blood and memories -good and bad. It is easier for them to open up to him first then maybe eventually open up to his wife too. In their eyes, you don't come as a package. It is not fair ofcourse but they have some residual resentment that you can't fix. My advice is to not expect any relationship with them. Be civil, be kind, be open for a closer relationship but don't expect it. They already have a mother and a grandmother from his ex ' s side of the family. After that, they have their father's side of the family. It's a pretty long shot that they would consider you as close as these relatives. You are someone their father married. You are right that all children deserve all the live they can get. Have you tried volunteering with children? Those children deserve love too. In an ideal world you would be one big happy family but even with the best intentions in the world, you can't force them to include you without compromising their relationship with their father.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (20 November 2014):
 Does she hold her father more responsible for the divorce than her mother?
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