A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for just over a year now, he's 20 and I'm 18. He's just about to start his third year at University and I'm about to start my first University year in the same city.He's an only child, and his parents had him quite late (his mother was 38, and his father was 46). I've been told this can make parents a little over protective but I'm sure that his parents (especially his mother) are going overboard.She checks his bank account without his permission and gets angry when he spends 'too much' (e.g. when he bought me a £30 necklace for our anniversary, most of the time when she's angry at how much she spends, it's actually how much he spends on ME, which isn't normally moe than lunch or a cinema trip). She also gets angry when he spends two nights in a row at my house without going home, she gets angry when he's at University and he calls her less than twice a day. She always asks about everything he's done when he's out of the house and goes in a huge mood if he doesn't talk to her for at least twenty minutes. She treats him like a child even though he's 20, and if he gets agitated about this, she goes into a very childish mood herself. She's always trying to interfere in everything for his University, too, insisting on her husband driving her the 3 hours (she can't drive) to the University just so that she can see the house he's renting next year with one of his friends.I know that she doesn't like me, and I'm suspicious she resents me for taking up my boyfriend's time, and 3 months after we first started dating, she asked me to break up with him, but I obviously didn't.Does this really seem like she's too clingy, or am I just being overly sensitive because I know she doesn't like me?
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou so much for your advice! I definately have a better idea of how to safely approach (and hopefully, improve!) our situation, you've all been so much help!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2011): In response to:
"I'd really like to talk to him about how ridiculous it is that we can't even go to the cinema without her checking his account, but I don't want it to seem like I want him to spend all his money on me, any suggestions?"
Honestly, you should not have to talk to him about the subject at all. He should 'man up' and let his mother know how shocked and disappointed he is with her intrusive behavior. But, since he's probably somewhat brainwashed from growing up with a controlling & intrusive mother, he probably doesn't recognize just how bad her behavior is.
If you tell him that the behavior is ridiculous, it's sounds like he'll get defensive. It doesn't matter how right you are, sadly, there are lots of guys that will not listen to sound logic from their wife or girlfriend. Since you've already broached the subject, he probably won't like hearing it again.
To be fair to yourself, next time his mother imposes herself where she doesn't belong, you need to calmly let him know how his mother's behavior makes you feel, and try hard to avoid calling her clingy or controlling or any other such adjectives. Just let him know how her behavior made & makes you feel, and let him decide on how he's going to handle it. This is where a video or book on setting personal boundaries would be helpful for him. If he does nothing, then let him know you cannot be in a relationship where he does not stand up to his mother in defense of you and of your relationship. But, only tell him that, if you're prepared to walk away from the relationship. You deserve a bf who will respect and cherish you!
As far as the money goes, he should be able to make decisions on how to spend his money. If you have your own money, treat him to the cinema, take turns.
BTW: The fact that the mother gave birth to your bf when she was 38 has nothing to do with the fact that she is controlling and clingy. Some people are controlling and some are not.
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female
reader, RedAthena  +, writes (28 July 2011):
 I absolutely think that your should tell your bf that his Mother tried to get you to break up with him.
Do not shelter him from your thoughts, but be careful about what battles you choose to fight.
It is also a warning flag if your bf gets REALLY defensive about your concerns.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2011): That's not just clingy - it's really pathological behaviour and VERY unhealthy. Not only is she invading his life - she's also invading his space and his privacy (this is the way to raise the bank account issue - it's not about where he spends, it's about not being treated like you're both five). On top of that, she's using emotional blackmail and bullying to get her way.
BIG RED FLAG!
Unfortunately, the only way to get her to back off is for the pair of you to agree that there's a problem, come up with a plan, and act in concert to execute it. You need to be clear that this isn't a question of having her in or out of his life, but of drawing appropriate, adult boundaries that will conduce to a healthy long-term relationship.
Your boyfriend needs to speak to his mother, telling her how much he loves her, but also how much he needs his own space. You both then need to establish more control over your lives, so that you can move away from this controlling behaviour. Change his bank account details so that she can't snoop. Stop the ringing twice a day (reduce it on a systematic basis to a text - then a call every other day - then twice a week!). Get him out of his parent's house and into your own space, so that you can be freer.
Be aware that, to do this, you need to stand on your own two feet - you can't accept money, support, or any kind of help from his parents (at least for a little bit). If you want to be treated as adults, you have to be totally independent.
He has to realize that no adult woman is going to put up with this kind of controlling behaviour as his girlfriend! Honestly, it's not just abnormal - it's really unhealthy!
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionanonymous: The setting boundaries thing seems like a good shot, I'll definately try it!
She doesn't support him at all, she hasn't had a job since she got married and my boyfriend has a summer job when he's not at University. I'd really like to talk to him about how ridiculous it is that we can't even go to the cinema without her checking his account, but I don't want it to seem like I want him to spend all his money on me, any suggestions?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2011): The fact that your bf got upset at you and defensive of his mother seems like a red flag. If your bf is his mother's "Golden Child", then you may be apt for some serious relationship woes. If you think you could bring up the subject of his mother's clinginess issues without him getting angry, then do so. Although, you might want to be more coy about getting the message across to him. We all need to learn to set personal boundaries, but especially your bf since his mother sounds like she is overly controlling. Find a video on setting boundaries and watch it with him. If he's willing to read a book on setting boundaries, I suggest you get one from the library or buy one.
Why does if mother have access to his bank account? Is she supporting him? Because, if not, then she is not entitled to control his finances. If so, then he may want to get part time work, or do odd jobs, so that he can have his own spending money in a separate bank account.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou guys, it's made me feel quite relieved knowing it's not just me who thinks she's too clingy!Thanks AngelDlite (if grandchildren ever happen, pray for me!) and deirdre11 (I've really taken that into consideration now, and I'll try not to take things too personally, thankyou :) )RedAthena, during an argument about the same situation I've come here about, I did tell him, but he quickly got upset about it so I softened it a bit (which I know wasn't the best thing to do but I didn't want to hurt him) and made it more seem like she asked me not to hurt him, so he brushed it off and said she just didn't want to see him get hurt, do you think I should bring it back up and tell the truth?
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reader, angelDlite +, writes (27 July 2011):
 you are spot on. she IS overly clingy and sounds like a nightmare. i hope your boyfriend can cope with this and does not let her rule his life. the poor woman doesn't realise that the more she clings the less he wants her. my mum is quite similar (though not AS BAD) and it has resulted in me and her having no relationship, she still wants to be in my life (coz she has got nothing else apart from us kids and her grandchildren) and i'm sorry to say that i just tolerate her. it shames me to say that. maybe your boyfriend feels the same way. she sounds a very controlling, insecure lady. good luck to you if you ever give birth to her grandchildren!x
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reader, RedAthena +, writes (27 July 2011):
Oh no. You have a clingy, over-controlling Mother there of course!Do not worry about HER as long as your BF stands up for the two of you.Im curious, does your BF know that his Mother asked you to break up with him?
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2011): No you're spot on with this. She is way too clingy.
If you look deeper though, he is her only son. He is grown up, getting on with his life, at university and now has a girlfriend. The woman sounds like she is totally panicking about loosing her son.
So she is trying to regain some control over his life so things can go back to the way it was before (just her, her son and husband). He obviously was her life for 20yrs, but she is finding it hard to cut the apron strings. She needs to let her son go at some point.
Her behaviour towards you is unfair asking you to break up with her son, this is so she will have him to herself again. The woman needs to get a hobbie. He will end up resenting her if she doesn't stop controlling his life or trying to anyway.
I don't think its that she dislikes you as a person or finds you unsuitable for her son, so I wouldn't take it personally. I don't think anybody would be suitable for her son really.
My advise for you though is to not get involved, Im sure your boyfriend is fed up with his mothers behaviour, but its between him and his mother. Its up to him to put her straight. He is an adult and he can speak his own mind. All you can do is be there for him.
Good Luck.x
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