A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi, My boyfriend hurt me earlier in our relationship. I told him I cannot tolerate it anymore and left him. He spent two months taking a good hard look at himself, he came back outta nowhere and wanted to me tell about what he learned. It was profound (he matured and got himself out of a personal rut) and I believed it. He wanted to make it work and 3 months down the line, I'm really struggling to get over one specific hurt.I do talk with him about it, and for some reason, nothing seems to shift my doubt.Its to do with the way he behaved with a female friend, to me she it feels like she is his shining beacon. There were a few actions that felt like thumps in the stomach to me. (Meeting up with her when she clicked her fingers, putting her first, texting trashy/borderline sexual stuff with her, drunkenly telling me that when she made time to talk to me at a party, she must think im cool because she makes time for hardly anyone)(They have been friends for 3/4 years and she currently has a bf of about 2-3 years) I didn't talk about my issue right away last time, but I did eventually once I couldnt be intimate anymore. I asked if he loved her, if he has loved her? He said no. He keeps saying no. But for some reason I cannot believe it. I ask have you ever once upon a time wanted her? he says no no. Even now after 3 months, I've moved on from the other mistakes and hurts he made, but this one lingers.I really want to believe him which is why I am still in it. I'm not sure what else to try?I find it hard to be friends with her and that specific group because they are live a different kind of lifestyle, which includes alcohol and drug abuse. They are a bit younger, they speak trashy, swear alot, sleep around a lot, and dress questionably. I tried but they are just not my cup of tea. I guess it bothers me that these things don't clash with his fundamental values. Maybe he only sees the good in them? I'm sure they are nice girls in general, dont cause harm to people, its just a lifestyle. He has taken drugs and got blind drunk with them on many occasions before he went out with me. (the drugs part anyway) the drink carried on heavily. But not this time around in. I've never taken drugs or smoked. He knows I don't like it, and says he did so before to fill holes. But doesnt want to ever take them. So as long as thats in the past I'm fine. But this group/that specific girl really clouds my happiness for the relationship. If there is another way to overcome it - I'd really like to try it?? Why do I not believe it when he says no? He is going out of his way to make me feel special in his actions. But I feel like hes with me 'only because he cant have her' :(
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou CMMP and anonymous female. You both hit my internal battle on the 50/50 head. One part of me feels like yes he wanted to be accepted by her, and perhaps in the process might have wanted her to fancy him. in my opinion she'd drive all his insecurities crazy because she is crass and rude with every guy not just my boyfriend, (ive no idea how her bf lives with it) and my bf has tendencies of jealousy. So I can see how the psychology might work.Then the other part of me thinks well perhaps I'm a hole filler, perhaps he feels he wont meet another girl that will treat him like I do. (i suspect he suffers low self esteem now and again) Well, I spoke with him exactly this last night. I told him I love him, but if this paranoia doesn't go away, (by him being even more open and being more predictable, telling me what hes upto rather than me dreading to ask in fear hes meeting that group again) I'll have no choice but to leave. Happiness isnt worth compramising for love.It helped getting an outside perspective from you guys! Many Thanks
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2013): it does sound to me like he's only with you because he can't have her. when you ask him if he loves her, he says 'no' because if he were to be honest and say 'yes' you would leave him then he's got no one and will be alone. he doesn't want to be all alone so that's why he's with you.
I think you're just not compatible. He clearly is into her and her 'lifestyle'. he may say he's changed now, but has he really? seems he's still keeping ties to his past.
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A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (2 February 2013):
While I understand your need to feel secure in your relationship I think you are giving this girl too much credit. Your boyfriend has never been with her so how in the world could he love her?
The more likely scenario is that, as he said she is hard to please. One of those people that, for whatever reason, other people want to go out of their way to be accepted by. It sounds pathetic and bit kind of is. But your boyfriend is probably one of those people that wants to please her in order to be accepted.
I don't think I'm explaining myself very well so I hope you understand what I'm getting at. It most likely has nothing to do with wanting her instead of you, it's just psychology.
I don't know if that makes you feel better, but I'm confident he is happy with you since he came back after 3 months. I've done that once and believe me, it takes a lot of reflecting to realize your personal faults because you want to be better for someone.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2013): Thankyou cerebrus_R, this time around, he has only seen her once or twice in 3 months. before it was almost weekly. (that i knew of/know of).
I really dont want to be the miss paranoid that I have become in this relationship. Whenever something gets me paranoid I just tell him. But the paranoia is stemming from this doubt, which he is fully aware about. I just reallllly wanna relax and have fun.
Maybe it is just platonic admiration. Is that really possible without a guy wanting something more??
-original poster
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (1 February 2013):
 How much of their friendship are you actually aware of at this point? I ask only because, perhaps all this is, is in fact simply him admiring someone in a platonic way. Only a possibility. If he is going out of his way to make you feel special then, this could indeed be the case.
You are absolutely right in being cautious with him if he has been rather villainous in his past actions. Although I cannot say for certain whether or not he is simply using you to fill this hole because I do not know whether or not his loyalty to you can be called into question. You say he goes running to her whenever she beckons, and when it is you who calls him? Does he leave her to be with you instead?
Perhaps, you simply need a little more time. After all, it has only been a few months.
I hope that helps.
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