A
female
age
30-35,
*eautifulLoser
writes:Hey everyone, I completely forgot I had an account on here. It seemed everything was going all right for me (finally!) but of course nothing good seems to last forever. And sorry about this post, it's probably going to be long. But I need help. .Here's my issue..I'm not sure what I should do. To a lot of people I've talked to, the answer seems obvious, and sometimes to me it seems obvious too. But still, nothing has changed and I feel like my relationship isn't really going anywhere. For the longest time I was pining after my best friend (who also was my other best friend's ex). Well after about 4 years or so, the both of us finally ended up together! I was so excited, I felt like my life had been made. It was like I had a permanent grin stuck on my face. Now, I realize that everyone goes through this honeymoon type faze, and eventually we did fall out of it. But we didn't fall out of the relationship. We've been together for over 2 years now, so something must be going right..right?Only this past month have I really been starting to think and feel this way. I just mentioned that the both of us have been together for over two years..and for about two years he's been without a job. The thing is, he's not even in school either. He spends his days living rent free with some friends and playing video games day in and day out. When we first started dating he was so ambitious and had all these plans for us for our future. He was the one with a job and had to push me to finally get one. But now I feel like he doesn't care. I'm the one that pays for everything he gets. I feel more like I have a child then a relationship, and every time I bring up a job or money issue he blows up on me. I understand that sometimes jobs are hard to come by..but 2 years? He talks all the time about how he wants to get married, but I don't think he realizes that love can't buy everything needed for a wedding and to support two people after they're married. I feel like I'm doing all this on my own, and it's hard when I have my own life of school and work to deal with.Now another part of my problem, is that recently I started talking to an ex of mine again. I told him when we first started talking that I wasn't looking for a relationship (especially a long distance one; he lived and still lives states away)and he agreed, saying that he was trying to find a way for him and his best friend to get together. At the time, I needed someone to talk to, and we found ourselves talking for hours on end about nothing in particular. This kept up for six months or so, and eventually it happened where we both found that we did want to date and we did. But when we made it offical..he called it quits. Saying that he couldn't take the long distance thing. I was so upset by the fact that this person, who I shared so much with, who I turned to when I needed some insight, just completely shut down on me. I begged, and pleaded to try and make it work. I suggested coming to visit him with a group of my friends. But even then he said no. And thus..the previous man that I mentioned (the one that I'm currently with) and I ended up together. People have told me that I need to get out of the relationship that I'm in, and sometimes I question why I'm still with him. They get angry with me when I can't give them a solid reason, and I can't really give myself a solid reason either. I feel comfortable around him, and I want to say that I love him but I feel so run down from these past two years that all I feel is exhaustion and numbness now a days. I don't want someone that's going to buy me gifts upon gifts, but I don't want to have to be the one that does all the driving, pays when we go out to eat, or to a movie, or for his video games and cigarettes. If we go out to do something that I particularly like but he doesn't, he acts moody and kind of ruins it for me.. There have been times when I missed opportunities to spend time with my friends because 'he doesn't like them.' But when it comes to him..I have to be up for anything and make the best out of it. And when I bring this up, he makes me feel horrible saying that I'm just trying to make him feel horrible. Yet I can't pull away from him..And then I find myself thinking about this other guy, the one states away. Honestly, he's always been in the back of my mind some where since he called it quits. He's openly admitted to me that he wants to be with me, but he wants me to be the one to go to him. Is it wrong for me to think that's unfair? Some days I get so down on myself for being stuck on two guys. I feel wrong for the way I feel, and I don't know what it is I should do. I've been told to take a chance! Take a leap! But I guess I'm afraid of falling on my face and being worse off.. I'm the type of person who puts others before themselves, but I don't know if I can do it anymore. I just need help or advice of any sort. What should I do? Do I stay with the guy I've been fighting to be with for almost 5 years, but now I'm fighting with to get a job? Or try to pursue someone that's merely words on a screen at the moment, and may never come to be anything more? :/
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ambition, best friend, long distance, money, my ex, video games, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (2 February 2013):
 This post isn't going to be very nice:
I think you are a little girl afraid of men and therefor playing with boys but frustrated they don't behave like men.
It seems rather a big coincidence that neither of the two boys you are after for a mature relationship are really available for one. You COULD claim that is the boys fault but you are the one falling for boys.
It could be seen as kid running away from home but not crossing the street because mommy told her not to.
Now the woman part of you seems aware that a boy won't do for a husband, you state yourself that boy 1 isn't suitable and boy 2 isn't available. But neither are you yet able to act like a mature woman and say "1 and 2 are not suitable, lets keep looking".
If 1 and 2 were right for you, either of them AND yourself would make it work. You and they are not. Says it all really.
Neither you nor them are ready to make these relationships work. Dare to be single for a while longer till you find someone who is ready for you and for who you are ready.
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (1 February 2013):
 the guy who sits at home doing nothing? You are his Indulgent 'Mommy'. No wonder that relationship is doomed in every way.
And if you, his indulgent 'Mommy,' leaves the relationship? He will get a job and learn to stand on his own two feet. But he can't do that until you move on.
The guy who lives far away? He rightly understands that he can have no life with him until you cut the apron strings from the indulged spoilt 'man/boy' who you currently 'mother.' Emotionally you are not available to any man while you prefer to continue to make excuses for and mother the first guy.
And guy number two is right. He needs to know and see with his own eyes that you have broken with guy one before any relationship with guy two can even begin and become viable.
You do have a 'child' emotionally (namely guy one) who you are mothering and it is not healthy for either of you.
The more you procrastinate the longer you delay moving on to better things.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2013): I've always been a sucker for the 'best friend turned lover' thing but there are exceptions to every rule. The guy you're currently with sounds like a manipulative ass. He's taking advantage of the fact that you have a job and are doing something for yourself because in the beginning, he supported you. Honey, that is not how a modern relationship works. What's going to happen when you're done with school and have a great career and are making boo-koo bucks and he's still a grade-A moocher? It'll be your situation... with more money. And honey, I have been there and I have done that. I don't put up with that sh*t and neither should you!
Your best bet? Singlehood. It says your age is 18-21 and if that's the truth, you have plenty of time. I'm only 23 myself but ever since I was 16 and entered the dating world, I have learned a lot about relationships and how stupid men can truly be. I'm currently dating my second long-term boyfriend and even he can be a real idiot sometimes. It took me far too long to understand all of this because I'm 23 and I'm still working on my Associate's. Lucky for me, I don't have kids, yet...
As for the guy across state lines: I'd say forget about him. If after five years, he won't commit to someone who won't go after him, he's not worth it. There needs to be compromise in a relationship and neither of these men are willing to give that to you. You deserve better. Move on from both, get your life together, and find someone willing to go at least half way.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2013): It will be beneficial for you to learn from this young age that you are at: NEVER EVER pay for any man. Capable young male who can lift heacy objects and do all kind of physical work doesnt earn a penny for @ years!!?
do you have any respect for him at all?
Is he sick? disabled? what stops him to get any job to make some money. But of course its much easier to live of a woman. This is just unspeakable. Drop him as dead weight and find a man!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2013): Neither guy seems to be right. Neither of them are willing to work hard enough to make it work with you!! The current boyfriend is lazyyyyy. I dated one like that for a while and I can assure you it does NOT get any better over time and his irresponsibility will just ruin a marriage. Since you are having these issues with the current boyfriend, I think you're using your ex as a rebound. This isn't a good idea. You need to stay away from both guys and get some time to be single and only take care of yourself. You deserve a guy who can take care of his own problems and help you with yours. Do you really want to take care of this child man or fight to make the long distance guy be interested in you? My guess is no. Best of luck to you and ENJOY the relief you will get from ditching the current needy boyfriend.
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