A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So my boyfriend is a very respectable guy. He has strong morals and he sticks to them. If anyone were to say he was caught with drugs or he cheated on me others would laugh. So am I wrong to be worried that he's cheating on me? Or hiding something from me? He has always been a private guy so I never made me suspicious when he didn't want me to go through his stuff. A while ago I confessed something to him. It was that I want sure if I had gotten over my ex. He was my first love and although me and my current boyfriend have been together for over a year my ex would pop up in my head from time to time. I assured him that it was him that has my heart but the. He found out that I planned to see my ex for a coffee on my lunch break. He saw my texts. I didn't plan to hide it from him I just wanted closure from my ex. After that he lost trust in me and so I agreed to let him look through my phone if he ever felt suspicious or insecure about something.Some time passed and I started to get curious about who he had been texting. I asked one day and he told me he was texting "Sandra" he told me before that they had a past of flirting but that they don't flirt anymore. When we would argue he would bring up the things I have done wrong in our relationship and sometimes even say things that I do and she doesn't. I haven't heard her name pop up and he would tell me whenever they were texting. Here's where things get suspicious. We were watching a movie one night and he was laying on my chest. I felt his phone vibrate and watched him out the corner of my eye. He got up from me and checked his phone. He looked and me then tilted his phone so that I couldn't see the screen. The whole time I was watching from the corner of my eye so he couldn't have known I was watching him. Another moment we were watching tv and he got a text and I caught the name "Sandra" I turned and asked him who he was texting and he laughed and showed me his phone and it was a conversation with him and one of his guy friends. Just the other night we decided to make a snowman. I heard his phone vibrate in the other room so I went to grab it and it was a text from his friend "Rachel" and it said "if you ever feel lonely I'm here to talk" mind you they also have a past of flirting and messing around. I asked what it was about and he said he didn't know. So he opened the message and showed me and coincidently there was no other texts between them aside from one on New Years saying happy New Years. That made no sense to me.He assured me there is nothing he is hiding and I'm getting freaked cause I don't know if I'm just being paranoid cause of guilt I have or he is hiding something from me. He has no time for an affair so it wouldn't make sense for him to cheat but I can't shake the feeling. The night "Rachel" texted him they texted till 1am. Turns out her boyfriend broke up with her and she wanted comfort. My boyfriend explains that she has no female friends and he's not going to stop texting her cause she is his friend. It's upsetting me. I've had dreams for the past three nights of him cheating on me. He said he doesn't want me going through his phone cause he has done nothing wrong to me and he shouldn't be punished for something he didn't do. What do I do? Please, I'm so lost.
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male
reader, Darrell Goodliffe  +, writes (10 March 2013):
 Hmmm it could be a bit of both. Obviously what you have told him has burnt some bridges with you. He may be feeling lonely, like he is going through the motions and seeking the connection he has lost with you with somebody else so he maybe having an emotional affair. Having said all that you dont really have any proof that anything is happening and he is being harsh punishing you. You do feel guilt but you havent really done an awful lot wrong. It is not as if you slept with your ex and/or intended to do something and you were entirely open about how you were feeling and what was going on. Im not entirely sure your guilt is warrented and he may be using your guilt to control you and hide something. I think rather than let this eat away at you you need to have this out with your boyfriend. I think you need to stop apologising and beating yourself up. It may turn out that this relationship is effectively over but if that is the way it is you have to be prepared for that. Good luck x
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