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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Is my boyfriend insecure? You see, he's a very nice, sweet, low profile, smart guy. Really down to earth with most things, he's like the perfect guy! But there's one thing that kind of bothers me...Sexually it's like he's been brainwashed by the masses. He likes big breasts, for instance. Why, I asked? He said "It's the ideal, it's everywhere, all guys like it" which is obviously not true, but I guess he's been conditioned to think so. He wants a threesome. Why? "Well, I've seen it in porn and it seems nice to think I'm able to pleasure two girls at once". A lot of his fantasies he wants to try them 'cause he's seen them in porn.He also believes in traditional gender roles, etc. And he laughs at sexist jokes! The other day we were with a couple of friends (guys) and one of them said "It's really cheap to get a woman a nice ride, all you have to do is buy a brand new broom!". He laughed along with the others and I didn't, later he told me I was uptight and bitter because I wasn't able to laugh at silly jokes.It happens with the things I mentioned above, too. Like, if I protest 'cause I have small breasts he'll go "Oh, don't be so bitter, it's everywhere and it's the cultural ideal, you can't change it". If he shares a pornish fantasy and I don't find it hot he'll be "Oh, but all guys would like it, it's in porn". Sadly, a lot of guys my age are like this. I won't go dating guys who're 10 or 20 years my senior, so I guess I'm stuck with guys who have this stupid, sexist, socially conditioned mentality when it comes to sex.Is he like this because he's insecure and therefore follows the masses? Because he has a very unique identity when it comes to everything else, he's not easily influenced, but when it comes to sex, it seems like he is. Like he does a lot of things he's seen in porn thinking they'll feel nice but they don't! Or how he bases his taste in women by "cultural standards". How he thinks that because "all guys do or think" something then it's true and the norm, and blah, blah. If he was more secure, would he develop a true and unique identity sexually?I for instance don't follow "cultural standards" when it comes to my sexual identity. I don't think bigger is better, for instance, and many things that you'd see in Sex and the City, but I don't really let it influence my sexual identity. So why do you think my boyfriend is like this if he seems like a secure individual in general?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2010): I don't think your boyfriend is insecure, he's immature and insensitive. Do yourself a favour and move on, there are so many great guys out there, who don't just like big boobs. It's total rubbish to focus on one body part and idealise that! If he thinks it's okay to be so blatant about talking about big boobs being his preference, he is basically suggesting that you are not good enough for him. That is disrepectful to you, someone he's supposed to care about. Don't waste your time with someone that has this attitude towards you, life is too short, you deserve someone better. Think about why you feel you can't find anyone better, rather than focussing on him, because you can't change other people but you can change yourself, you have a choice about who you have in your life. There are plenty of men out there who like to do different things to the masses (and who also aren't obsessed with big boobs, porno inspired sex), you just need to socialise with different people or join a decent dating site to meet them. You sound pretty mature so if I were you i'd go out with someone about 4 or 5 years older than you, they will probably have more experience of life, perhaps a less idealistic and unrealistic view of sex and appearance. Good luck.
A
female
reader, Not My Name  +, writes (23 December 2009):
 Sorry - but it sounds to me like you might be the insecure one.
You object to his fantasy's - not that you are expected to carry them out if not your thing, but what is the harm in him wanting something sexually whether he gets it or not. You protest about his preference for a breast size other than your own - but he must be ok with yours or he would not be with you if it mattered that much to him. You cant take a joke - men hang shit on women in jokes, and we do the same to men in reverse - rarely is anything but some light hearted stirring fun meant by it.
That all said, if you do find him objectionable and it hurts your sensibilities then perhaps he is not the right guy for you.
As for citing porn and making claims that all men like such and such, ... perhaps that is his way of trying to justify his own sense of 'normality' when you find his desires unacceptable to you. Maybe he really does like and want to do certain things coz he just does, not just coz they happen to be in porn too.
Hell, you'll find anything and everything in porn, so if we ruled out anything ever scene on film, then we would all be sitting around knitting instead of getting it on.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2009):
You say you're frustrated by how your BF buys into the herd mentality about sexual/gender things.
But are you so much better? You don't hesitate to buy into the gender & age biased view that guys his age are like this and older men aren't. That idea is a totally bullshit social construct too. There are real living breathing guys out there being harmed by the biases you perpetuate too.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2009): To the anon reader who LOL'd me...The thing is the WAY he talks about it. It'd be understandable if he said "I like big breasts because they're round, it's more to grab", whatever. But he says "All guys like it", or "It's cultural". It makes it seem like he has no mind of his own.And thank you very much, but I have indeed tried many of his porn fetishes and they sucked, they didn't felt pleasurable and some even hurt! So just because it's in porn doesn't mean it's pleasurable. And maybe it was a turn on for him, but why bother if it actually HURT me?The thing that bothers me is that he doesn't have a mind of his own when it comes to sex, because he always uses that type of phrases. And it does suck too that he has to make a point of saying he likes big breasts. How dumb of him saying that when he knows I'm just a B cup!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2009): LOL. So you think because your guy is so "unique" he had to feel the opposite way than the typical "social norms"?
Did it ever cross your mind that maybe he just personally likes big breasts and the things he sees in porn? And this has nothing to do with following anyone else, that's just what he finds attractive?
why not try out the things he's talking about...the things he's sharing with you that he likes. And if after that, he's making comments about your breasts being small...he's an idiot and your better off without him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2009): Hi sweetheart, take it from me, most older guys are pretty much the same. Sure, they might not be silly enough to verbalise their thoughts but they as a rule think the "ideal" woman is the woman who is 18-25, thin, big breasted, no stretch marks or wrinkles......so basically any female who is completely the opposite to their girlfriends and wives. I gave up thinking men had minds of their own lonnng ago, that's just something women come to understand as they grow older and see the men around them clinging to youth. Men are basically shit scared if life aging and death. They put their sexual pleasure as the highest peiority on the planet, well above womens happiness or respect.
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A
male
reader, Griffo +, writes (22 December 2009):
 I'd tell him to stop being such a "tryhard" all the time. You can do better than him he must be "all show and no go"
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2009): I mean this in the nicest of ways.
You are both young and lacking life experience.
Your boyfriend seems like an uber douchbag to be honest.
Of course he's insecure. But not because of anything you're doing. You guys don't have a lot of experience outside one another. He has nothing else to gauge things against but porn.
If he expects his sex life to be like a porno - then he's just an idiot.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2009): There are many things Id like to point out with your post. First is this:
"Sadly, a lot of guys my age are like this. I won't go dating guys who're 10 or 20 years my senior, so I guess I'm stuck with guys who have this stupid, sexist, socially conditioned mentality when it comes to sex."
You are not limited to these boys. There ARE more mature guys your age. But what you can't go around thinking is that you have to settle for something you don't really want just because you don't think you can find better. Does that sound familiar? Its sounds just like what your boyfriend seems to be thinking about large breasts. He'd rather have those, but settles with you and your smaller breasts. I bet that doesn't make you feel great, and he really should adore YOU and not want anything to be "better". Same goes for you. You're simply settling for immature behaviour because you think all guys your age are like that. But you are not dependent on a guy, you don't have to date at all unless the guy fits your standards.
And as for the traditional gender roles: it is perfectly possible to be traditional without being sexist, like he is.
Why your boyfriend acts this way though? I wouldn't be surprised if he brags about the sex he has with you to his mates. Sorry, but I think that whatever you and him share doesn't stay between the two of you, especially if he's "traditional" and sees himself as superior in the relationship.
Guys that act like this will come in all ages, not just yours. I've found them far up until the age they have grandchildren too. Just the same: decent guys who don't base their sex-life on porn come in all ages too. If you don't like how your boyfriend is, and think his views are silly, maybe he's not for you? Can you overlook this? But whatever you do, don't think he'll grow out of it and change. Like I previously said, I've seen men with these "ideals" at all ages.
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