A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Is my boyfriend gay? I'm confused.I have been dating a man 12 years my senior for 2 years now and have serious doubts about his gender preference. He loves to have me come by his place every weekend to 'care for him' and seems to like my company ( for the 1st year I always came over, cleaned cooked and washed until I noticed he was demanding and controling, I protested and stopped the chores but still spent time hanging out and preparing dinner at times for fun). However we've gone from having good sex during the first 4 months of the relationship to a point where the last time we were together was...jizz...about a year. Slowly I noticed I would reach for him or try to seduce him only to have him softly pulling away, -never- looking for me either or looking at me with any desire whatsoever. I kind of let it slide because around the 4th month he started having a little trouble getting fully excited, first blamed it on me, then on 'something he couldn't talk about but that was not my fault' and finally on the meds he was on. I was patient thinking he was having trouble ed. But even if you have a form of ed how could you never even want to touch or... go down on me, or get me to do it to him?. He always wanted oral before but was rarely happy to give it to me. Another strange thing is that he never looks at me in the eyes when kissing me on the cheeks, always looks away, and we rarely kiss fully for more than 3 seconds. More recently we were at a restaurant and a cute gay waiter attended us and smiled to him, to my disbelief a man who is usually a bit curt, gave this guy cute smiles every time he came by and even said to him 'you should come along with the check' - and also said to me he was 'his sugar daddy fantasy!' I doubt a straight man would be sooooo flatered by a gay man's attention he would take it further with the guy with jokes like this. Then when we were leaving I saw a little paper that maybe fell on the table, most likely from he check envelope, he looked around earnestly but tried to hide it from me, I think he hoped the waiter gave his phone number. I also noticed he always compliments hot looking actors but never seems to notice the babes. One day it slipped out of his mouth he thought he had met so and so at a gay bar. A few months ago I suggested we live together and he said he feels pressured, the man is 53, never married, no children, always dates women for about 4 years (or until they get tired I fear) and never commits or even lives in the same place with them. His computer always show without probing sexy women as if showing them off on the desktop, but I think this is to try to project an image of something he is not. I have tried to talk to him about the relationship and improving the situation, even suggested therapy, asked him is this what you really want? each time I just get silence and a couple of days later he goes back to the same routine. I'm sad to say I think he uses women to keep appearances until he retires to some place where no one knows him and he is able to come out without major consecuences (he has mentioned looking for a city to retire but never suggests a future together). He is always veeery concerned about fitting in, I don't think he would ever come out to his clients and family. Meanwhile I feel used, empty and am saddened to realize I have allowed someone to make me waste so much time (I'm 36 and made it clear I want to have a baby and only continued dating when he said this was something he might want) on a relationship he obviously knew won't go anywhere. I don't think I whould spend one more day in this, or am I exaggerating?
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female
reader, MissWendlemoot  +, writes (28 April 2008):
 This guy sounds like a flake. Tons of red flags waving all over the place. Being with Mr. Wrong makes it impossible to allow Mr. Right into your life. You don't want to spend your life with someone that makes you feel bad.Good luck!
A
male
reader, oldfool +, writes (28 April 2008):
 Whether he's gay or not, he's wasting your valuable time. Get out there while there's still time. Find a decent man who wants to have a family. This one is going nowhere.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy +, writes (24 April 2008):
 Hi there,
at the very least he is treating your poorly.
If it wasnt for the gay waiter episode I might also think that he has other issues other than being gay. But the flirting with the gay man really stood out. He does seem to be in denial.
At 36 you are still young enough to find someone and have a child. But time is running out, this man is only causing you grief and he isnt going to change. So I think you know what you need to do.
good luck.
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