A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have just, for the second time, ended my relationship with my emotionally abusive ex who is 50 and I am in my early 30's. When I first started going out with him he was exciting, funny, devoted, adored me (although he was still seeing his girlfriend at the time until she found out after a few months). About 6 months into the relationship I realised that he could fly into rages and sulking moods one minute then be overly loving the next, depending on what was said. For the next year or so our relationship was like a rollercoaster. For the last 4 months,during which have suspected him of cheating, he acted out of character, keeping his mobile phone with him at all times (even to the toilet!), switching it off or ignoring me at certain times when I called. I even heard a woman in the background a few times when I phoned, yet he TOLD me that I didn't hear 'any woman!'... this added to him losing interest in sex, withholding affection and continuously trying to start arguments over the most trivial things. My gut instinct was the same as last time I suspected he cheated on me 3 years before . This time, he denies it over and over again and has accused me of having psychosis and needing to see a psychiatrist. (Funny that, as he had a psychotic episode brought on by 16 years of amphetamine abuse for which he now takes antipsychotics daily). Having felt like I haven't been in a relationship the last few months, he has hardly texted or phoned me, yet still says he loves me. He said he wanted us to live together so we looked for unfurnished houses to rent we could move into and live together (I live 55 miles away), but he made excuses so that he wouldn't have to sign a joint tenancy due to bad credit, even when a private landlord would not have necessarily carried out credit checks. I was worried about having the rent in my name as I can't afford to pay the rent and bills on my own and, as he has a history of late and non payment where he has lived before, even opening other people's mail and using bogus names to obtain credit, I was scared that if he fell out with me or I said the wrong thing, he might decide to up and leave me to pay everything. Even though my ex insisted I trust him, I couldn't help but wonder why he still wanted to keep his own flat, rented back in his own town, but he insisted it was so he could have a 'base' for his sickness benefit to go to. I also didn't understand why, with an ebay business which he never really makes any money from, he needed to travel back to his home town three times a week and stay overnight, to go to auctions at unspecified times, not being someone with, he states, 'a nine-to-five job'. For some reason I am a complete secret to nearly all of his friends and if I question why, he flies into a rage, saying that he doesn't have to tell people everything in his life, it's not important, even though I have been seeing him for 2 years, and before that 2 years when we lived together in his town. I also found out that he had lied to some of the people we knew and told them that I had a child,which I don't, god knows why!! As I am never allowed to see these friends none of them know the wiser. He constantly lies to people and seems to isolate individuals so that no-one can ever disprove or prove his stories. He is also incredibly charismatic and charming. More and more, as the last few weeks went buy, he started instructing me that he was not going to reply to my texts or answer my phone calls most of the time because he was at friend's houses or driving or 'busy'. The embarassing thing is, when I have rung to say 'hello', how's it going' he would immediately say he's driving when clearly he wasn't. His increasingly bizarre behaviour culminated in the last time I saw him at the weekend, he walked out at 10.30pm to meet a 'friend' and proceeded not to answer his phone for the next hour until he came back home, even though he said he would only be 10 minutes, again I suspect he was seeing someone else.As he had not been calling or texting me like he used to I mentioned I wasn't happy, that I was doing all the chasing and driving 50 miles to see him every week. How about reciprocating? He denied that he wasn't texting or ringing me anymore when he clearly was! He shouted 'I DO text you' even though for 90% of the time he wouldn't reply. Everytime I catch him in a lie, he denies he lied, changes his story and even tells me I didn't see stuff I actually did SEE with my own eyes , or something I heard him say, he didn't say. If I disagree or call him on his behaviour he verbally attacks me, calls me 'twat' or other nasty names, or twists things around to make me at fault. I feel like he has driven me mad and now with the suspicion of him seeing someone else, the phone off all night some days, or the frequent trips to the corner shop which lasts 20 minutes longer than it takes to get a 'pint of milk', I have ended it. Yet he still says I am mad and deluded and that I need psychological help. Whilst he declares his undying love, at the same time he will completely antagonise me and exhibit passive-aggressive behaviour, as well as being in touch with this mystery woman and his ex by email, who he insists is constantly pestering HIM! He is very manipulative, yet everyone thinks the sun shines out his arse. Whereas I was a stronger, confident person, over the last 6 months my confidence has hit rock bottom, particularly following a job redundancy, losing my flat and having one of my family stop speaking to me. Without sounding self absorbed, I have had no-one to really turn to, and my 'boyfriend' has been completely unsupportive and seems to not really notice or care about how I am feeling.My questions are: Is it possible for me to recover from all this as I have been left with low self-esteem and depression? What is going on in his head and is my ex a narcissist, emotionally immature or just a twisted human being? Disillusioned
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cheated on me, confidence, emotionally abusive, his ex, immature, money, my ex, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, boo22 +, writes (16 July 2009):
 Hi my heart goes out to you honey. My advice is please run...run for the hills and keep on running. Then don't get into another relationship with a guy for a long time. Work on yourself ONLY. Stop trying to figure this guy out, he's a complete drain on your soul. Good luck x
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2009): I know his type.
He is a user.
He is emotionally abusive.
He is manipulative.
He lies and changes history in order to keep doing what he wants.
He is charming and wins over people who just meet him pretty easily but has few long term friends who see him on a continual basis.
He has a history of drug abuse.
He has bad credit due to financial irresponsibility.
He never takes responsibility for his own mistakes, it is always the cops are bad or some other excuse.
He has a low level criminal behavior.
He suffers from depression.
He can turn his "love" for you on and off like a faucet and keeps you off balance.
He withholds affection even sex as a way to control you and pressure you into giving into what he wants in order to keep him.
He most possibly suffers from a personality disorder, but it is a difficult diagnosis so it is hard to say what it is.
He may have had an unstable or abusive childhood, and one parent may have been an alchoholic.
He is delusional, he is sociopathic, he is narcissistic and selfish, and he manipulates people to take care of his needs. He is nice to you when they are being met, and horrible to you when they aren't being met.
He acts out in childish behavior, or acts out with sexual behavior (cheating) even risking his health, doesn't care if the woman is married, etc. or he drinks and does drugs.
He is dependent on others and feels he needs others in order to survive, hates being alone, but he has no deep connection to anyone. His relationships are superficial, emotions are feigned rather than felt.
Get away from him he will make your life a living hell and you can't fix this. He is a damaged person beyond help.
Change your phone number, cry your tears, heal and get your life back.
...............................
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