A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Do you think my boyfriend is disrespectful and controlling ?. He is much older than me. Yesterday, when i was at his house, he was angry and he said " you act like a teenage autistic girl ". I have never been diagnosed with autism, so i don't know what made him say that. Also, his son has autism, so how could he use that as an insult?!. He shouldn't have used it as an insult anyway, as it shouldn't matter even if someone does have a disability, and it doesn't mean that people with disabilities can't have happy relationships. He got divorced from his son's mother when his son was three years old though, so his son didn't grow up with him, and he has hardly seen him since then. He apologised after he said that to me, but it still hurt a lot.He also said that he wants to surprise me for my birthday, which is next week, and he wouldn't accept it when i told him that i don't like surprises and that i want to do what i feel like doing on my birthday. He also asked me why i have never slept over at his house for a week, instead of just staying there for a couple of days during the week, but yet he has also said sometimes that we should have our own space some days.Later on, when we were waiting for my mum to come and pick me up from his house, he said he thought it was weird that my family do so much for me. They give me a lift a lot in their cars, as i can't drive, and i don't like walking home or getting buses or taxis at night. They don't mind picking me up, and they want me to be safe. He also said " anyone elses family would say to stop using them as a taxi driver ". I was really upset by that too!. I don't like to get taxis home as i sometimes feel anxious around male taxi drivers ( i have had bad experiences with some of them asking me questions that are too personal ) , and taxis can be expensive, and i can't walk home alone in the dark, as that also isn't safe.He has Bipolar Disorder, by the way, so his moods change sometimes. What do you think about this ?.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (10 May 2012):
 He sounds a bit rude and not very good at communicating, honestly. I'm guessing it could have something to do with his bipolar.
As for the whole needed to be chauffeured around, I find ODD for someone your age. I do agree with your BF on that. It makes you seem so dependable on everyone. If you find that cab drivers get to personal you can always chose to tell them that i's none of their business. Or bring a book/magazine (that way you can pretend to read and not HAVE to have a conversation).
I think you and your BF need to sit down and talk. Tell him how his words make you feel. And maybe you two can figure out a compromise that works for both of you.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 May 2012):
 I agree with Janniepeg. Blunt and disrespectful, yes. Controlling, not really. He was just annoyed by your quirks.
You are free to be as quirky as you want , I guess, but then don't be shocked that other people comments on that.
Frankly , it sounds strange that at 26-29 you have to be chaffeured around everywhere by your parents as if you were 14 . Because " you don't like " to drive, to get public transportation, or to take taxis. Well, there are so many things that as adults we don't like ( working, for instance, lol ) but we have to come to terms with if we want to be normal, well adjusted , INDEPENDENT adults. The fact that your parents don't mind picking you up is neither here nor there , maybe your parents would not even mind to spoonfeed you or brush your teeth or sing you lullabies if you ask them, - the point is that you should not ask them, it's not age appropriate !
No disrespect meant, but you do sound like having a rather juvenile approach to everyday life, maybe it's that which your bf finds annoying . Time to grow up. What does it mean that you are afraid of cab drivers because they could ask you personal questions ?? Just, don't answer . Don't talk, you are not obliged to entertain the cab driver! Or,say politely, Sorry I am tired, I prefer not to make conversation. Or say frankly : I don't talk about personal things . Or , be assertive and say : you are being fresh, if you insist I'll report to your company.
And , if it is instead a sheer irrational taxi phobia, you can seek professional help for that , get cured as for any other phobia.
All this to say that every " problem " has a spectrum of different practical solutions according to our personality - the solution is NOT regressing to childhood at age 29. I can understand that it would bother any bf ( even if yours was rude ,no doubt about it . No need for name calling ).
As for the name calling , though, I don't think he meant it as an offence, in a disparaging way. If he has an autistic child, how could he ?? I think maybe he meant it a slang "shortand" to perhaps say that you are very set in your ways , not very flexible about routines, and/ or take things literally, as often autistic people do.
Like : sure he said you need to have some space from each other in general - that does not mean that FOR ONCE you can't spend a whole week at his. It does not have to be either/or , black or white . Life is about flexibility, and learning when and how to alternate rules and exceptions ( another adult thing ).
In conclusion - yes be mad at him for the unflattering, unchivalrous way he expressed himself, - don't be mad at him for not being totally comfortable with all of your choices and behaviours , not necessarily he should be, reagardless of being in love.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (9 May 2012):
 Disrespectul yes but not controlling. I would say he is socially inept and he blurts out words he regrets later. He forgets that you have trouble moving around and he is expecting you to be just like others. The way he talks he is looking for a fight, always being negative and insulting but he is not aware of that. He is too bothered to drop you off at home, because he will feel like a taxi driver too? You are right, you can be happy at the same time disabled. You can't let someone bring you down. Just ask yourself if your life is better with him in it.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (9 May 2012):
 I think this might have something to do with him being bipolar, where his mood just changes. My guess is that he feels you are still very attached to your family and that you have no independence. But it still does not make it right what he said to you. You are right to be hurt by his comments. I think you need to sit down with him and talk to him and tell him how he has made you feel. If you want to be with him then you both need to communicate more about how you feel.
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