A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for six months. He is 30 and I'm 29, and we started living together about a month ago.It was around this time when he first told me he loved me too. Things are going really well. We get along great and are very sexually attracted to each other also.The thing is, I have a hang up about his ex. We have talked openly about all our previous relationships. His most recent ex girlfriend he was with for a year -I'm not jealous of her.. They were more like friends and no sexual attraction really. But he admitted to me that he was not over his previous ex when he was with her.He said that he was not over her fully until he met me and says I'm 'special'.He was only with her for 8 months and she treated him terribly. She was controlling and bitchy and she also had a young son who he got quite attached to. He said that was the hardest part - not seeing the kid again.Anyway! My insecurities stem from this: I read his Facebook messages to her about three months ago. It was a casual to and fro conversation hi how are you bla bla bla that had happened about a month before. I don't mind that, but when I casually asked him when the last time he spoken or been in touch with her, he said it was months and months ago.So I admitted I had read the messages to which he said he had forgotten about it. Fine ok I accept that.Then the other day, we got hooked up to the Internet in our new apartment, I saw that he had looked on her profile. He said it was nothing I love you not her so don't worry. I live with you and I wanted that etc. hugs kisses love yous...My question is should I be worried that he's still not over her??I'm concerned now that he will start deleting the history on the computer and I just won't know if he does it regularly. I know I shouldn't be looking anyway but I need to know!
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ex girlfriend, facebook, his ex, I love you, jealous, the internet Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (2 April 2013):
 The only concern is that he careens from one partner to another... he's never had alone time or down time.
The fact that you were able to voice your concerns and he listened to you and took action to make you feel better is a good sign.
Try to either stop snooping or if you must see what's going on, do it with him.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2013): I am the original poster. I asked him to remove his ex from his Facebook friends as it made me feel threatened. He said yeh no problem and has deleted her. I know he doesn't have her phone number saved so maybe this is all a good thing...
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (1 April 2013):
 The fact that you are snooping on FB, second guessing his convos and obviously do not trust him suggests you shouldn't be with him.
Relationships dont come with guarantees at any moment, anyone who's in a relationship could meet someone else or start conversing with an old flame and they can be gone in the blink of an eye.
He won't admit to anything...why should he when everything is just cozy for him...you there adoring and loving him and his ex on tap when he needs a fix...the only thing you can change is whether to stay or go.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2013): Stop worrying about it, and ruining what you have. With my last boyfriend, I was forever concerned he wasn't over one of his exes. when he contacted her, or she contacted him, I would get so upset and concerned. I worried he still had feelings for her, and I worried they might meet up. It contributed to the end of our relationship. As it turned out, he never ended up with her, but met someone else and married her. He was never going to be with his ex again (even though she continually pursued him in her own way). So, I worried for no reason, and ended the relationship over my own fears.Personally, I think it is respectful to your new partner to NOT keep in touch with exes, or to always be open about the contact you do have with them. It should never be a secret.But he is WITH YOU, if he wanted to be with her, he would be. He may still have some residual feelings for her, but he knows she is bad news for him and he doesn't want to be with her. Over time, his feelings will most likely fade even more to a point he may not have any contact at all. Stop worrying, it will not do anything good for your relationship now.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2013): "He said that he was not over her fully until he met me and says I'm 'special'."
Oh Jesus, yeah I can see why you have your doubts.
Before even reading the rest of it, that is just such a "line", you know? Like something straight out of a tacky rom com starring Adam Sandler.
I also am wary of the fact his most recent ex was basically just a rebound (or so he says, who really knows?). A full year of a rebound too and after that year, you're suddenly the one who is so special as to make him instantly over his ex? That is the biggest load of bullshit I've ever heard, sorry but it is.
"So I admitted I had read the messages to which he said he had forgotten about it. Fine ok I accept that."
I don't, not for a second. Someone it took a year for him to get over, took him meeting you to get over her in fact and he doesn't remember that he spoke to her recently? That's a lie.
You know what's another worrying thing? The fact she treated him so badly, if she did then why is he still friends with her? I don't get that, if she's such a bitch and you have so much trouble getting over her then why stay in contact?
OP I can tell you to the year and probably the date the last time I talked to any ex I had such a profoundly deep relationship with. My last "great" ex I talked to in 2007, I was at a Oxegen with my now fiancée and by chance met her there. It would probably take you two seconds to think of the last time you spoke to one of your past loves OP and he's trying to tell you he doesn't remember talking to her a month or two ago?
Look he could well be over her, but there is so much inconsistency in what he is saying and so many little niggling things that just click.
"My question is should I be worried that he's still not over her??"
You know normally I'd say enough time has passed, and while there isn't all that much to go on here, there is something quite off about this. My gut agrees with yours that you have reason to be cautious here OP.
It sounds like he can't be without a woman and will gladly use women to get over his last and frankly you have the added worry that he may well have fed you a crock of shit about his most recent ex too. He will bend the truth quite easily if it makes things sound better OP.
You're going to have to just wait and see though, you live him with now. You'll notice if he's acting fishy but I would be wary with him. There is too much about what he says that is illogical or just plan lies.
OP you're not a kid and you're not stupid, something just doesn't add up here and quite frankly your boyfriend has a consistent pattern of staying with women for the wrong reasons. He stayed with the abusive bitch and he stayed in a relationship for a full year with a woman he had no sexual attraction to? How can you be sure why he's with you?
Keep your eyes open OP. At the moment you have nothing solid to go on, but his past pattern of relationships and the ease to which he can lie are things I'd worry about. Because seriously, there is no chance in hell he just forgot he talked to her recently when he's still checking out her profile regularly. I don't believe that for one second. He hid that from you, and that's not good. Especially seeing as it was just meaningless small talk.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (1 April 2013):
 Have you pointed out to him what you have written here, that he wasn't over his exes when he started on a new relationship? And that it makes you wonder why he's remaining friends with her on facebook? I mean, why is he? Why keep the contact going?
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