A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am really at my wits end trying to not break up with my bf of two years. This week is my grandmother's memorial service and after that I am heading on a trip with my family to put her ashes where she wanted them. I will be gone a week and a half in total. My bf who I asked to come with me but cannot because his parents are leaving on another trip and he has to take care of the family dog that is sick and dying. When I told him that this week I really can only see him one whole day this week because of everything going on; family coming from out of town, putting together the decorations, food and work before. He flipped out, he told me that I dont get it, that he is really going to miss me and that I really should have to put things together ahead of time, so I could spend every second with him. I already see him almost everyday already, the days that I work early in the day. I told him that my family and I are putting things together so it's not just me. He told me to have them do it then. I really think he is not being considerate, I paid a lot of money to take him on an expensive trip for a night last week because I wont be here. One other issue is a fight that keeps coming up, we were supposed to one night go out and get a free scoop that happens once a year and he ended up falling asleep in my bed. My sister called and asked if I could take her to a women's clothing store to pick up a dress. I told her as long as my bf and I can stop for that free scoop on our way home. She agreed and I woke up my bf and asked if he wanted to come or sleep more. He told me he wanted to sleep, so I left. As soon as I arrived at the store he started texting me that he left my house and is very upset. I was confused, I saw no reason to stay in bed next to him when I was not tired at all. I also wanted to go to this store because I went in with my bf earlier that day but he didn't want to be in there so he pulled me out. I saw a dress that I fell in love with, I went back to get it. After an hour of texting back and forth my sister and I went home. I called him and he said I was inconsiderate for leaving him. Am I wrong in this?Also when I had him over earlier in the week I really had to do laundry because of my upcoming trip and with everything going ob there is no time this week. He got mad that I was cleaning when he was over, yet the day before when I complained that I had no time anymore to clean he told me to clean when he was over. I am so confused. We are fighting a lot more and I am not backing down he is getting more and more upset. Is he being to controlling?
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female
reader, Dear Mandy  +, writes (15 June 2011):
 You really shouldn't have to explain yourself, he knows what you are going through right now, and should be taking care of you and helping out. I would honestly tell him either to start realising what effect this is having on you, and try to sort this out, or tell him to find someone else who dont mind being suffocated . He is being VERY unreasonable, and I am very much ike yourself, I dont like people coming into my house if it's untidy, For now I wouldn't give him a second thought, I would concentrate on getting through the funeral, and sitting him down after to disscuss what you think is best for you both. And if he cant stand it when your doing your washing when he comes over, tel him not to come round then, he will just have to wait. Dont give into his childish behaviour, he really needs to grow up .xx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo I should have said that it was almost closing time for the free scoop place and he wanted to sleep through closing. I was planning on surprising him with a scoop when I came home. He does have friends and he hangs out with them at night when I have to work other times he is with me. Also, when I was cleaning it was my last day to clean before all of my out of town relatives started coming. I work the rest of the week before I go and after work my family is getting together to help do decorations and food for the memorial during the week. He is coming to the memorial but he wants me to pick him up on my way to the church, I really cannot because I just got a promotion at work and I need to be there that same day until thirty minutes before the memorial and it takes that or a little more to get to the church. It would be 10 more minutes out of the way and I really want to get there as on time as possible. I asked him to meet me at work because my work is in between both of our homes and we could get there almost on time.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 June 2011):
 Jeez, I don't know about controlling but surely he is clingy , needy and egocentric, - you must be a very patient person, personally I could not stand him breathing on my neck like that, LOL
BUT . I want to play devil's advocate on purpose and try to see things his way.. since he might have a point, in general if not in the details.
When you are a couple, you have to master the fine art of compromise, and you cannot have too many priorities over your significant other. So, hold your ground when it REALLY counts, and be flexible about the rest.
Like : the family trip IS important, there is other people involved, and you are going to pay your respects, not to attend a wet T-shirt context !. Explain him that your family obligations are serious to you, and that if he respects you, he'll have to respect that ,even if he does not like it.
But... the cleaning ? It's not the end of the world if the house is not immaculate, better a spotless relationship that a spotless apartment, for ONCE you could have postponed your chores for a couple of days or even a week, if normally you keep it clean and tidy, no ,the Health Services won't be after you.
And the scoop thing, if you had agreed you were going to go together , and you knew he wanted to go with you, well no big deal but maybe you could have waited and got your dress another day...
Basically what I mean is : pick your battles, you don't have to yield to all his tantrums and be available 24/7- but remember that a partner likes to feel important and if he ALWAYS come after something else, he sulks.
I also thinks he may be right when he says that budgeting your time and planning in advance helps, it sounds from your post that some times you let yourself be surprised by this and that, things and people just pop up and then you struggle to accomodate everything.
That makes for a stressful life, believe me, whether you are in a relationship or not. You only have so much time and energies , and maybe you have to see if there's a way to have your plate less full.
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A
female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (15 June 2011):
HI
he is a definate control freak, who you would be far better off well shot of. How selfish and inconciderate this man is, your dealing with all the emotions of your late relatives funeral and all he can think about is himself, when he should be comforting you, and helping as best he can. If I were in your shoes right now I would show him my foot kicking his arse out the door for good. He is obviously a very suck the energy out of you kinda guy, everyone needs their own space at times, but he wants to take up every second of yours. Do you yourself a huge favour and tell him its not going to work, and find a REAL man hun . I hope the funeral goes as best as one can be, and that the day holds special memories for you, dont waste your time thinking how he is feeling, his not worth it. xxx
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (15 June 2011):
 Yes, he is being very inconsiderate, needy and childish. If he can't have the respect to give you the time to celebrate the life of your grandmother with your family then you need to tell him to back off.
He sounds very very needy, doesn't he have friends of his own that he hangs out with? Saying some like you 'should be spending every second of the day' with him is pretty extreme and is a bit of a red flag that he is very dependant on you.
If you need time for yourself, tell him. If he can't deal with that then its tough or he is clearly not the guy for you if he is too busy wanting you to wait on him hand and foot and for you to be with him at the drop of a hat.
Set him straight, tell him your concerns and you're not happy with how he has been acting and take it from there.
Good luck x
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