A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:About a week ago my boyfriend met a girl through some mutual friends. My boyfriend says this girl flirted with him like crazy as soon as she was introduced to him and even told my boyfriend that he seemed like an amazing guy and that she really likes him. They talked for a while that day until they both left, no big deal really. Well... Since that day when they met they have added each other on social media sites and exchanged phone numbers and she has been pretty much blowing up his phone, so he's been talking to her quite a bit... He says he doesn't want to be mean and just not talk to her, but is the exchange of phone numbers and texting all of the time really neccessary? Why does he feel the need to talk to her so much? He says he has told her he was with me, and that hasn't changed anything. I know my boyfriends personality and that he's very over friendly and flirty so I can only imagine what conversations they could be having. I have no problem with my boyfriend having female friends, but this girl has made it pretty clear that she likes him and wants more then friendship and her flirting and making passes at him is rely starting to upset me. And meanwhile my boyfriend has been just going along with this like it's not a big deal. My boyfriend keeps reassuring me that they're just friends and that she's such a cool person and everything, but I'm getting worried. What should I do?
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female
reader, llifton +, writes (26 January 2014):
 Who needs a relationship when you can have friends like that? Sheesh.
What he's doing is crossing the line and unfair to you. Out of respect, he shouldn't have taken her number. Or at least perhaps he could have accepted it out of manners, but not used it. That's just me. I work as a bartender, and if I get phone numbers given to me, I accept them and then throw them away later. I could make contact with them and get to know them as "friends", but I know that might make my partner uncomfortable. And that is certainly my first priority over any person I just meet. And let's be honest, when people exchange numbers like that, it's rarely because they think the other is just so cool and they want to be buddies.
The fact that they are blowing each other up is very inappropriate and I would not be okay with this. Let him know how you feel. It's always best to express things in a calm and collected manner. Never attack.
To be honest, sometimes these situations are really tough. The person with the friend they are talking to seems to always take offense, stating that you can't tell them what to do. And then it winds up leading to all sorts of problems. Bottom line is you can call him on it all day long and ask him politely to tone it down because it makes you uncomfortable. But if he's unwilling to change it, you'll have to make the choice to either live with it or dump him. Personally, I don't know if I could deal with it if my partner did stuff like that.
Good luck. Hope all turns out well.
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (26 January 2014):
 I was going to answer this using different words, but then why reinvent the wheel, and the answer you got from YouWish is spot on, so here it is repeated for you:
Tell him there's no room in your relationship for another woman to be flirting and calling constantly, and she either gets out of his phone, texts, and social media, or you're out of there because you don't share your boyfriend, and the guy you want isn't so insecure that he needs to hurt the woman he loves because he needs some adoration from some stranger on the side.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (26 January 2014):
 I think "pissed off" would be a more fitting emotion than "worried". Here's why I say this:
1. He outright said that she was flirting with him, has told him she really likes him, and she's blowing up his phone.
2. He loves the ego boost of her chasing him AND he loves the feeling of you being upset and off-balance, because it gives him the power in the relationship.
3. His actions are disloyal. It's one thing if they were platonic friends, but her blatant interest and his ACKNOWLEDGEMENT of that interest to you means that it's NOT platonic. She's fallen for him, and he's sponging it up because it feels good.
This has absolutely nothing to do with being polite and not being mean. He should have told her that he has a girlfriend, and NOT added her to the social media and started mass-texting. That's like a guy telling the girl he's married, and then standing there and watching her strip in front of him without leaving just to "be nice".
Listen to me very closely: You are not the one to be worried. HE should be worried about losing you, because he is being disloyal to you by letting a woman who is into him have so much of his time and life. *HE* is putting the relationship at risk by his behavior and ego-stroking and leading on a woman who wants nothing but to get him away from you.
Make it his problem. Tell him there's no room in your relationship for another woman to be flirting and calling constantly, and she either gets out of his phone, texts, and social media, or you're out of there because you don't share your boyfriend, and the guy you want isn't so insecure that he needs to hurt the woman he loves because he needs some adoration from some strange on the side.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2014): This is the original poster of this, just wanted to say thanks for all of the help, you guys have gave great advice.
I just feel like my boyfriend is crossing boundaries with this girl and that this has gone a bit too far...and it's just really hard to deal with this because he's always seemed like a completely loyal guy and I've always trusted him a lot, now after this has happened I have been thinking differently about some things.
I wouldn't mind if this was just a good female friend, but just after 3 days of meeting my boyfriend this girl has flat out told my boyfriend in person that she has feelings for him and she actually started rubbing on my boyfriends arms and touched his face...and after all of that my boyfriend still went and exchanged numbers and still has been talking to her? It's not a platonic friendship in my eyes to be honest.
The hardest part of this whole thing is actually trying to talk to him about it. Like Honeypie said, I don't want to end up being the bad guy and I don't want to put my boyfriend in a position to where he has to 'chose' you know? but what else can you do? I have never been in this type of position before. Whatever I end up doing or saying is just going to make me look bad that's why I haven't said anything.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 January 2014):
 I agree, I would not think you should HAVE to feel comfortable either.
SHE isn't a friend. And they way it's going that's not what SHE is looking for. She is looking for more. And your BF? Either he is absolutely dumb or he isn't thinking. They didn't HAVE to exchange numbers or join each other's social pages.
The fact that he is FULLY enjoying the attention and calls her a cool person, when he's known her a week kinda makes me think that he is not being totally innocent in this.
I would ask him how HE would feel if this was a guy that you JUST met and was talking and flirting with to the same extend he is with her, my bet is.. he wouldn't like it.
However, if you tell him NOT to talk to her YOU end up looking like the "bad" guy. And he probably would still talk to her behind your back. I would want to met her, I think she COULD realize that he has a great GF and she doesn't have a chance if she sees you with him. And he will have to stop flirting or look like a sleaze in front of you. So instead of an ultimatum, I would suggest that next time they all do something you go there too.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2014): In this case I things have gone too far. They exchanged numbers and are maintaining too much contact. It would be more innocent if she hadn't started out with so many compliments.
He is getting to caught up in the attention and placing himself in a bad position with a girl who finds him "amazing."
That is a bit over the top for someone to say who has only just met you.
Let him know that you're uncomfortable with it; and do not allow him to dismiss your feelings about it.
Your feelings are more important than hers.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (25 January 2014):
 Yes you are right to be worried. Right now he's probably just enjoying the ego stroke. I mean who wouldn't like having their own little fan club.
But he is absolutely encouraging her and there is NO need for him to be keeping in contact. He told her he has a girlfriend. That's not the same as actually turning her down or telling her to back off. Does he need to be mean to her? No. But being a LOT less available to her and telling her he's not interested is not mean. It needs to be done if he cares about your relationship because carrying on an intense flirtation with someone who is actively pursuing him? Not OK, at all. Not even a little.
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