A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi My problem is this, I have been dating my girlfriend now for 4 years in February and things have got a little boring and repetitive for me in the bedroom and without sounding like I'm blaming, it is her. All she wants to do is run the same old routine concerning having sex, when I try and do or suggest something new she gets uncomfortable and says no. I am defiantly still attracted to her because the thought of doing these new ideas really turns me on and I think she can be really really sexy when she wants to be. I can't seem to suggest anything without hurting her feelings or she says she's into the idea but then when it comes down to actually doing it she doesn't want too. I'm not asking for anything crazy kinky or weird or anything like that also - she Doesn't even let me " do anything " to her if you know what I mean, I can't touch her down there or go down there sometimes she won't even take her top or bra off- she wants to have sex with her clothes on a lot of the time. And things aren't dead she has multiple orgasms during sex but its come down to 2 positions.Any help please? I'd never cheat on her and would leave her before i did anything that would hurt her. Obviously i don't want either, because i love her and have been with her forever - but I find my eye wandering
View related questions:
bra , orgasm Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (27 January 2014):
Dear OP,
I don't really know how to resolve this, the only thing I believe to know is that pushing her won't help. My hope would be that if you stop always making the first move when it comes to sex and if you stop asking for new things, she will start to miss your initiative and your interest and will try to please you?
Right now it seems it's always the same: You ask and she is refusing. So try to change that pattern..
.. but I'll admit, it's not always that easy.
After 4 years of relationship, maybe there are other repetitive patterns in your relationship? Try to revive your love by doing new things and trying out new activities outside the bedroom, as well. This will bring you closer together and maybe bring back some of the sparks.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2014): By the time they reach their 40s women are more reserved and may have intimacy issues of various sorts. You two are a young couple and frankly, as a man, I think you have a lot of work to do to make her comfortable. For whatever reasons, your girls needs comfort before any sort of sex or adventure. If you care for her like you say you do, find out by various ways what is it that makes her comfortable. You could reexamine times when she did take her clothes out or was more adventuresome and see what made her want that. Also talking to her, not necessarily directly, is another way. Perhaps you may ask what makes her comfortable in some non sexual situations or in situations where some level of intimacy has to be expressed. Explore her feelings and her body image and to what degree she feels comfort with it as well as comfort with exposing it. Some people have qualms about being naked in any situations not because of bodily defect but because they feel discomfort. Perhaps sharing your experience and your feeling about this this may help your relationship. This has nothing to do with being "conservative" or liberal but with personal choices and preferences which could be disrespected if approached too direct. Many people do not go naked immediately and lot of people experience discomfort to some degree with exposing their bodies in privateFinally, it seems that she enjoys sex and I think you could enhance it for her - and your self - with sensitivity, patience and YOUR desire to provide her with the level of comfort she needs.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2014): She was apparently brought up in a very conservative household; and her mother may have been a very strong influence in molding her behavior as a woman. Teaching her what behavior is considered within proper boundaries for a lady.
If she has sex with her clothes on, it is because she is self-conscious and has body-image issues. You have to be careful how you ogle over the physiques of other women in front of her. If you have a stash of porn with big-breasted shapely women, or all the girls of your past are knockouts.
She feels you're comparing her to them. She also watches your eyes when you're in public. The type of women who make you state. It locks into her memory banks.
Body dysmorphic disorder in mild cases runs rampant these days in women. They look at certain parts of their bodies, and it's ugly to them. To the average observer, we don't see what they see. No matter what you tell them, they will not believe you. If she has been this way for as long as four years, and no changes. She has some serious hangups about sex.
Some women just get tired of men judging them and feel more attractive; if they cover up with something light and pretty. Always give her sincere compliments about her form. We need it, they do too.
If she is inflexible; it is because she may not have a lot of experience trying new things. If you're her first, or she may have only had one guy before you; she sticks with what is comfortable and what she feels "mother" will approve of. With some women, that is strongly engrained.
She always wants your respect, and she doesn't want you to treat her like a whore. She may have been raised in a very religious and strict family, and she will see images of her mother's or father's disapproving face in her mind, for being a bad girl. She'll feel profoundly guilty after sex Some people just prefer to stay traditional; because it's safe. They lack imagination and creativity. They don't like to explore or venture outside their comfort-zone. Never.
I'll be honest. If a woman is really adamant that she doesn't want to do something sexually, you're best not to pressure her. It will affect her emotionally. Let her take the lead, sometime. Allow her to be the aggressor now and then. Let her be on top. That sometimes lowers inhibitions. When asking, don't be so graphic; that often causes them to visualize and that alone will make her refuse.
In a gentle way you can explain how things are repetitive and getting just too routine. Ask her to explain what it is that makes her so uncomfortable. Then it is very important that you shut-up and listen. Hang on her every word. She may have been abused or someone said something to her that forced her to be inhibited. I guarantee you there is a story from her past that hurt her very deeply.
Be patient, and don't push.
Most often they've been told they're fat, or some guy she was pretty close to made her feel unattractive; because he left them for someone else.
I may also add that there may be things she is not willing to do as a girlfriend, that she may be less inhibited to do as your wife.
You will also have to consider just giving up, ending this relationship; and finding someone more sexually compatible. I think four years is a long time for a relationship to be standing in one place.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (26 January 2014):
 She's got some intimacy issues if she's wanting her clothes on all the time during sex. It's one thing (and really REALLY sexy) to have a quickie, throw your partner up against the wall or bed, and start going to town without taking off most of your clothes, especially in the morning getting ready for work or on your way to a family function or something.
But doing that constantly? I think you should tell her that you need some sexual adventure. Her not wanting you to go down on her and stuff tells me she's either been traumatized in the past or she has self-image issues. She needs to be in professional care if she was traumatized, and with the self-image issues, they are her baggage and she needs to face it.
I would suggest getting one of those sex games from an adult store, which is awesome. Tell her that you're really needing sexual variety and want to have it with her. Ask her ways to spice up the bedroom and make the issue hers to put her mind to as well. Tell her that doing it the same is like eating goldfish crackers constantly, and sexual adventure is like wine and caviar. Oh yeah, alcohol is the great disinhibitor as well.
Use toys, massage oil, games, the book of tantric sex, everything! You want adventure, but if your whole end is to touch her down there, you need variety too!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2014): Wow, this is a lot like it was with me and my ex-boyfriend.
However, he had also stopped having sex with me almost entirely--we were only having sex about once a month, and every time I tried he would turn me down, which was not good for my self-esteem.
Anyway, the main issue here is that your girlfriend is self-concious.
You could try to make her less so, by reminding her that you love how she looks, feels, tastes, etc etc.
But if that doesn't work, you will need to talk to her about this. Try to find out why she has no interest in the things you've suggested. If she's interested but self-conscious, maybe she could see a counselor.
If she says she has no interest in trying anything, ever…well, you'll have to ask yourself if that would be a deal-breaker or not.
Good luck!
...............................
|
