A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:How can I tell if my boyfriend is being controlling? Some of the things he does are just annoying - for example, getting angry if another guy writes on my facebook wall or if I haven't talked to him long enough on the phone. But other things are more disturbing - like, yelling at me when I disagree with him (even over dumb stuff like politics), cussing me out, or telling me we might as well just break up if I won't do certain things. He didn't act this way when we first started dating a year ago. Also, whenever I want to stay at school for a weekend to hang out with my friends (I'm in college, he's not), he argues, sulks, and makes me feel really guilty until I give in. He says he does these things because he cares about me so much. We love eachother, so what should I do?
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female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (1 November 2007):
Oh and also, another thing you could do is call an victims abuse hotline. Or search the web for advice and support on abuse...there are SO many websites out there which you may find helpful.
A
female
reader, happytochat +, writes (1 November 2007):
What your bf is doing is controlling and its abuse too!
You clearly arent happy in this relationship and your gut is telling you that its not right- listen to it! Because your gut is right. You deserve sooooooooooo much more then this. And you will get it, but first off you have to end this relationship so you are free to other respectable males.
With most abusers, they seem like the ideal person at the start- thats how they attract people. Then typically, once they have you 'trapped', dependent or once you have invested so much into the relatioship, for example, time, effort, intimacy (sex, love) etc...then they will show their true colours...because it would be harder for you to leave them. But as hard as it may be to leave him...its do able!
He may very well love you- im not going to argue that he doesnt. BUT the thing is, abusers simply ARE NOT CAPABLE of havning a HEALHTY, loving, relationship. Sometimes love just isnt enough to make a relatioship work. Staying with him for love isnt a good enough reason.
I really hope you do listen to everyone on here...there is no doubt in my mind that they are right.
I know its hard to leave an abusive bf.I myself was in a similar situation to you this year. It was so hard to leave him, in fact I didnt even want to. But I knew that it was the right thing to do, so i did it and although for a while I stillwanted to get back with him, those feelings went away once I came tosee the reality and realised that I deserved SO much more and that i could get so much more out of life. I am now soooo hapyp that im not in that relationship.
Ask yourself WHY you want to stay with your bf? If its because you love him...well you can love someone else and someoen else, with no doubt in my mind, love you! He isnt the only one out there. Often people stay with abusers due to insecurities- i know thats why I did and also because I became dependent on my bf and I was also isolated from all my friends. This makes it VERY hard to leave, BUTTT it does not make it impossible. You can still do it and come out at the other end.
The longer you stay in this abusive relationship, the worst the effects will be. So do it now. Talk to your friends, family etc. Get their support, let them help you get the strength to leave him.
I myself talked to a counsellor before breaking up with my abusive ex and it was really helpful. I suggest you do the same and continue seeing the counsellor after. They can really help. I duno how long you have been with your bf, but if you have been with him for a while i would say its really important you get soem professional help because often victims of abuse blame themselves and are left feeling very insecure and can fall into the same trap again.
If you want to talk, feel free to PM. Let us know what you decide on doing, take care
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2007): Get out now while you can!!! He most certainly is controlling you! What he is doin is emotional black mail. Don't fall for it. Walk away from him while you still can. Change your number, get new email address everything so he can't contact you!!!
Its only gonna get worse if you stay with him. People like him never change!!! THey only get worse!
Best of luck with everything!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2007): Red flags, red flags, red flags. Of course is controlling and of course it hasn't crossed your mind to dump this guy but you should.
Maybe you were kind of controlled by your parents and you cannot identify it because you are so used to it. Maybe your father was controlling and you saw that in your parents relationship.
I agree with "Collaroy". A verbal abuser will always be a verbal abuser. And with time it will only get worse because he knows already he can manipulate you. He knows you don't respect yourself enough to draw a line of respect. Maybe it's too late now.
Imagine if this will still be cute 35 years from now (assuming if you love him so much you want to marry him)
If you want a life of verbal abuse and misery stay with him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2007): I would say that's controlling. It's a dangerous cycle and I suggest you get out now, while you still have friends and family around to support you in your decision. The longer you wait, the worse it's going to get. Best of luck!
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (1 November 2007):
 yep this behavior is controlling.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (1 November 2007):
yep this behavior is controlling.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy +, writes (1 November 2007):
 Hi,
Yes he loves you so much that if you dont do what he says it proves that you dont love him as much as he loves you. Sound familiar? This is classic controlling behaviour, you think its bad now wait another couple of years you will find that your friends start to disappear , you wont be able to leave your house without his permission, and everything you do will be scrutinised and the insults will fly. Followed of course by the apologies about he only does it because he loves you.
If you have any sense at all you will find a way to get the hell out of this relationship. If you think you can change him I would suggest talking to a professional consellor and they will explain all about this type of personality.
We get a lot of these problems in DearCupid, and most girls tend to reply back that they will keep seeing him because they love him so much, and that he only does it because he loves them, hopefully you will see this for what it is: emotional blackmail.
Dump this control freak and find someone who will respect you.
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