A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been seeing a man in his 40s for six months. I am also in my 40s. He has told me he cares about me and we've talked about a future together.Four days ago my father was rushed to the hospital. He had two large blood clots in his lungs and almost died and was in critical condition for two days. He is better now and will survive with little aftereffect. I am grateful for this.When it happened, I took time to write my boyfriend an email about what happened and that I would not be able to see him that night. Never heard back from him. I initiated messages to him over the next two days with updates, and he spoke to me, but looking over the messages and remembering the conversations, he never once asked how I was doing or how my father was doing. He did tell me to rest when I could. Not once did he initiate communication with me.Is it just me, or is this guy a jerk? Just making sure my grief and exhaustion are not clouding something and making me jump to conclusions.My men friends were very compassionate and empathetic. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (10 September 2016):
 Since when is it so hard to ask or relay a simple appropriate message of caring; how’s your Dad going etc.? This man has been on the planet long enough to know and communicate some sort of empathy when circumstances like this arise in life. It’s basic civility, consideration for others and nothing to do with 6 months of dating or knowing someone for 6 months, 6 weeks or 6 days.
The man is void of thoughtful response... regardless of any misinterpretation. Since when is silence in these circumstances a tonic compared to a few kind words of support or encouragement?
I would have liked to have heard; is there anything I can do? Do you need time with your family, not assume silence like he did from your email?
Even though these are early days of dating, it is nowhere more important to see, recognise one another’s weaknesses and strengths.
All the best for your Dad
Take Care – CAA
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2016): Possible that he thought it best to just leave you to it and not give you anything else to think about such as replying to him or reading his emails in the first place. Maybe he just took a back seat to help. And I can imagine that he didn't want to ask how things were in case it was really bad and thought he didn't want to push you to talk about it and that if you wanted to tell him, you would. I think though that he could have just said that he hoped everything was ok etc. But some people are not good at this stuff especially if it's medical. Six months is not that long to be asking personal medical questions about a member of your family. He could think that maybe your Dad didn't want his situation being discussed. I would feel awkward about asking specifics, but I would certainly ask if you were ok. Not sure on this one, give it some more time if everything else is ok and maybe ask him one day when this has all blown over. I had a boyfriend who most certainly cared about me but who would disappear when something like this happened. It turned out that he just didn't want to put extra pressure on me. That's how he saw it. If I asked for help however, or wanted to talk, then he couldn't do enough. Don't throw this relationship away without asking him, talking to him, telling him how it made you feel and finding out why. Could be all sorts of reasons that you may not have thought of.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (9 September 2016):
 Yes, I'd be super pissed as well. Is he generally like this or just going through problems of his own?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2016): Thank your for your responses. They let me know what I was feeling was legit but I needed to look further. Talked to him about it, and he thought my email told him I wanted alone time to deal with my feelings of grief. We had a nice long talk about that............ Explained to him what I needed from him in these situations and now he is stumbling over himself to reassure me he cares. So, glad I vented here and heard sound advice. Thanks again.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (9 September 2016):
 Wow, yeah, six months is long enough to where he should have given at least a litle bit of a shit. That's pretty bad. I'd be incredibly put off by this if I were you. However, someone seemingly so apathetic certainly has shown you signs of apathy before now, right? Has he always been like this or was this a rare situation? If it's uncommon, maybe he had a justifiable reason? Or at least an explanation. If this is the norm, then he's just an asshole. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (8 September 2016):
 It might be that he just was not sure what to say, I can understand why you would be upset I would be as well, but some men are really bad when it comes to things like this, he may care but he just does not no how to say it. If everything else is going good I would maybe let this slip and see how he is around you.
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