A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So there's two major questions in my relationship. Is my boyfriend a pervert? And is he not over his ex girlfriend? Me and my boyfriend have been together now for 7 months and we have a happy relationship so far. Prior to him I've steered clear from serious relationships, dating but never being official and have had interests but it never worked out. Prior to being with me he came out of a 2 and half year relationship which makes me a little nervous. He was heart-broken when she left him and he still has her phone number and claims the only reason is to wish her a Happy Birthday because she did that for him. It kind of pisses me off that he has her number and I brought it up (more than once) and he asked me if I wanted him to delete it. I told him I want him to want to delete it. I'm constantly finding out about things she's gave him as gifts around his apartment(books, shirts, mugs) and I feel like I'm walking in his apartment with memories of his ex. Wondering if he kept more things to remind him of his ex I snooped in his closet recently which I never have before and spotted some dirty magazines. They didn't seem to be new but he had quite a few. This kind of made me feel weird because he's told me when he thinks my friends look attractive, and that he's still going to find other women sexy (did he have to use the word sexy how about attractive?)He tends to call me hot or sexy more than beautiful even though he calls me that as well and he's always grabbing my ass. He was really shy towards the beginning of our relationship. Ever since I saw the dirty magazines I get a sort of pervy vibe from him. I know he doesn't look at internet porn because he doesn't have a computer just his phone but I'm hoping he doesn't check in to these magazines often. I know it's silly but it makes me sad to have him jack off to these airbrushed fake-breasted women in magazines because I look nothing like them. Should I be worried? Should I tell him what I saw or nonchalantly bring it up if porn comes up..."So do you have any dirty magazines?" I have looked at porn before but not as a regular thing so I don't expect him to stop looking at dirty pictures the rest of his life but I just feel weird not knowing about it until now. How do I shake off the perv feeling? At least it got my mind off of his ex girlfriend for a while...That's another thing. I don't expect him to wipe his ex girlfriend from his memory but I worry he misses what he had with her since she did break up with him. Plus they have a lot of mutual friends and he's run into her twice this year and the second time didn't tell me about it until later that night when he came home. I have brought this up to him and he's giving me some reassurance and also left me with a not so sure feeling of wondering if he still loves her. I wish he would get rid of some of stuff she got him because now I'm faced to think about her when I see them. I wonder if he has letters or cards or other memories of her lying around but I'm afraid to snoop now because I realized I might not like what I find out. I know snooping is a total invasion of privacy but I felt like I wasn't getting him to tell me things sincerely. Maybe I'm over reacting. Gah!
View related questions:
ex girlfriend, his ex, porn, shy Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2011): Im a twentyone yr old female and personally I understand where your coming from I recently caught my bf,in the bathroom looling ayt porn on his phone bc he has the internet but at the time I didnt feel lile having sex he went upstairs and I knew he was up to something but at first he was too embarassed to admit he was jackin off n all I could see was the light from his phone so I thought he was talking to another girl it started a huge figjt until he admitted he was jerkin,off then,it all made sense so how I,look at it I was relieved he was watching porn and not cheating. And I think all guys have a lil pervyness to them lol us females arnt like that so its harder for us to understand. Good luck!!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe thing is he didn't delete her number. He only wanted to delete it if I told him to but I'm not going to tell him to delete it if he doesn't want to delete it. If that made sense. I'm worried that there's other stuff around though. This is the first time I ever snooped through his things so I felt like finding those magazines was my cue to give him his privacy.I know those things are useful I just feel weird having them around because it makes me think of his ex. He does make me feel good about my body but when he can't stay hard at times it's rather discouraging. He tells me there's a lot more factors that go into that but it makes me feel sexually frustrated(which I'm sure he feels too) I guess I will just have to put trust in him and in our relationships and until I find something that is more of a red flag than that will give me reasons to really worry. Thanks for all your responses so far :)
...............................
A
male
reader, Cupid Boy  +, writes (8 December 2010):
 When did he receive these gifts? Probably back when they were still together. Books, shirts and mugs are kind of generic anyway. It's not like he's keeping a scrapbook of her pictures or a custom CD of love songs she made for him. What you're feeling isn't abnormal. But if a guy got upset to find some unremarkable gifts from a former bf in your place, you would probably think he was overreacting.
As you said, the magazines are old and you really don't know how often they're used anymore. You don't say what kind they were, and I'm not saying it's perfectly all right to have them, but I'd guess they are way less perverted than 95% of the porn out there now. Don't compare yourself to the girls in them because I'm sure he doesn't. And if he snooped around your computer, he'd probably find evidence of porn watching on there, by your own admission. So should that really make him a "perv"?
...............................
A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (8 December 2010):
 How exactly do you think he should bring up his porn stash with you? That isn't really polite dinner conversation. Most guys I know aren't open about their porn collections because they know the women in their lives will freak out just like you did.
Try to remember he is with you, he loves you, and you are the one he chose.
...............................
A
male
reader, Illithid +, writes (8 December 2010):
 Most men look at porn. Most men also have the sense to avoid talking about it. Whether internet porn, dirty magazines, etc, it's just a rather harmless diversion that men use to blow off stress. If he's still attracted to you, still has a fulfilling sex life with you, isn't encouraging you to alter your body, and isn't cheating on you to fulfill some inane fantasy, then the porn isn't doing any harm. He's just smart enough not to bring it up in polite conversation (porn, and masturbation in general, is a rather personal thing... even in a relationship).
I understand wanting him to delete his ex's number and feeling weird about so many gifts being around his apartment, but aren't you being a little strict if you're annoyed that he saw her in passing out in public and "didn't tell [you] about it until later that night when he came home"? Is he really expected to call you immediately, wherever he is, and let you know instantly that he happened to run into an ex? He's run into her twice in a year and told you about it both times, the very day it happened. That's usually considered complete openness and honesty.
And books, shirts, and mugs aren't usually all that sentimental. Valentine's Day cards would be worrisome, but should he throw away a perfectly good mug because it was a gift from a ex? I know feeling like his affections might not entirely be yours can be painful, but too much jealousy can start to look like paranoia and can kill a relationship. Try to give him a little benefit of the doubt, given that he's already being open with you and deleted her number when asked.
Between the porn and the jealousy, I think you are being a little bit too hard on him. (Admittedly, I'm a man myself, so feel free to attribute that to bias.)
...............................
|
