A
female
age
30-35,
*aisy92
writes:My relationship with my boyfriend has been great. He is such a great guy and he is my first love. We have recently moved in together but since the move he has started becoming weird like becoming over protective and making excuses for me to stop in with him when i have made plans to see friends. I quit college as he said it was getting in the way of us and i dont need an education when i have my modeling career. My family hates him, especially my brothers, and my mom thinks hes over controlling. and yesterday he told me that i have to quit modeling because last year it led me to an eating disorder and he's scared that will happen again for me. Is he just being sweet or controlling? and what should i do? I love him so much but I love my family and friends. I feel like I am being made to choose.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 July 2011):
 HE told you that you HAVE to quit college?
what happens if you say NO I won't quit?
and if you won't tell him no you won't quit and you will do what he wants why is that?
what do you think love is?
it's not controlling or limiting the person you love....
A
female
reader, Maisy92 +, writes (5 July 2011):
Maisy92 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou so much! you guy's are aswesome. but yeah i am still with him i guess i love him really.
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A
female
reader, sammy1986  +, writes (2 July 2011):
he sounds very controlling this is what controlling men do they try to take away everything you have such as college job family friends so you are totally dependant on them so you are with them all the time and they will probably want to know who you are out with and where you are i would break up with him
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2011): Your boyfriend's being controlling. He may also have some care about you, BUT, this caring side is masked and overwhelmed and outnumbered by his need to control you, which is a need for power, stemming from insecurity and fear. You should not have to derail your education and career goals just because he wants it!!If you want to quit college because you really dont' like it, certainly that's fine because it's your choice. But if you only quit college because your bf insisted on it but you didn't want it, this isn't right. Same with your modeling career - if you want to do it or stop it because of your own personal reasons, then fine. But by him insisting, he's demanding that you make huge personal sacrifices and give up your autonomy and your right to make decisions for your own life. This is a sign of being controlling. He probably feels threatened. that's his problem to deal with not for you to be running around doing his bidding so he doesnt' have to deal with his insecurities. He claims that the reason he's demanding you quit modeling is because he's afraid it will make your eating disorder resurface. I can see why you see this as being sweet and caring, but it really isn't. it's still primarily about control and his fears. let me explain a bit moreif he cared about you in a mature healthy way, he would want you to be truly free of your eating disorder, right? But that can only happen when YOU make the decisions and YOU control yourself when faced with temptation. If you can do that (like if you didn't have a partner and were on your own with no one to tell you what to do or not to do) then that's a sign of successful personal growth in overcoming your eating disorder. You would truly have overcome your disorder and it will be long lasting success. That should be what he wants for you if he truly cared about you in a healthy way. but instead he wants to shortcut that process and control your life for you. In the short term this sounds like he cares because he's making it so that you definitely won't fall back into your eating disorder right now. But it's not really helping you. It just helps him to feel better, because he's the one in control of your life rather than you being in control of your own life which freaks him out.I've been with a partner with past addiction problems that really damaged our relationship (to the point that I almost left, several times, and only stayed because I was young and stupid and insecure myself.) He then hit rock bottom and shad no choice but to become clean for a few years and our relationship improved. Then a few years later he was presented with a choice to be back in the situation that had the addiction triggers. He really wanted to go back to that situation, I was freaking out and really wanted to stop him.But by then I was older and more mature. I told him that if he really wants to go back to that situation he can, I would really really prefer he did not and I made clear just how strongly I felt about it. but I told him he's an adult so I will respect his choice even if I dont' like it and give him the benefit of the doubt. BUT the condition is that if he falls back into addiction I WILL leave. Those were the terms and conditions. he makes his choice, and I will make mine. He chose to go back to that situation, knowing full well how I felt about it. So I let him, and gave him the benefit of the doubt. Eventually he fell back into addiction. I left him and never looked back.I don't regret my choice at all - if I had "made" him not go back to that situation, and he remained clean as a result, what good does that do? I don't want to be with someone who's only not-hurting me because I'm physically preventing him from having the option to hurt me if he so wanted, and that if he had the option to hurt me he would. that's a fake relationship. I was hurt that he chose to go back to that situation after I told him how scared I was, but now I'm glad that this happened because it showed his true colors. I don't want to be with someone who has so little regard for my feelings. even then I remember when he became clean the first time it's because he was forced to, not because he truly wanted to. So it was really a facade which is why when a new temptation presented itself, he crumbled.and besides, if I had controlled his life to prevent him falling back into addictions, then this means I will always have to monitor his life because he's not doing it for himself. Again, this is a horrible kind of relationship to be in. I let him choose, as much as I didn't want to because of what I feared would happen and which did happen, he showed his true colors, and I left (and was later thankful he showed his true colors so I could know to leave).Your boyfriend, by not allowing you to make your own autonomous choices about your education or modeling career and giving you the benefit of the doubt, is being controlling. Yes there may be an element of care in it, but basically he's saying "I don't trust you to control yourself, so I'm going to do it for you and you have no say in it" this is not caring, it's condescending and disrespectful. and it's born more out of fear than love. This would be appropriate if your relationship was parent-child but not for a romantic relationship. a romantic relationship is supposed to be a relationship between equal peers who trust each other. he's afraid that you will fall back into your eating disorder, but he doesn't love you enough to LET you free yourself from it on your own efforts which is really the ONLY way that you can ever be truly free of your disorder. He's not allowing you to heal, because he's denying you the necessary opportunities to grow personally (by making the choice for yourself whether you will stay away from modeling or not, or to challenge yourself by doing the modeling and working on your eating disorder on your own). Ultimately it may be that you *should* stay away from modeling if it will trigger your eating disorder and you know you can't control it. But that is a decision for YOU to make, not for him. And if you decide that you can do modeling and control yourself enough to not fall back into your eating disorder then you've got every right to do that because it's your life.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Susie  +, writes (2 July 2011):
 Yeah, I'd say controlling sounds like the right description of your BF. Why would going to college get in the way of your relationship? No wonder your family can't stand him. He must also be an idiot to say that you 'don't need an education'. I don't know what you could find to love in a person who has treated you this way. Do yourself a favour, and trust your family on this one. Don't give up any more of yourself. And if it means he can't cope with that, then he truly does not love you.
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A
male
reader, Partyboy123  +, writes (2 July 2011):
 Hey,
I think he is being a little bit over-protective, but then again, most guys i know are very caring and controlling... so it's not a "new" thing. I think he is just madly in love with you and wants to spend every waking moment with you, which i think is an amazing thing :)
you need to decide for yourself, don't let your family, or your boyfriend influence you into staying with him or leaving him, or quitting modelling, or staying in it.. its YOUR decision! :)
hope i helped!
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