A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi I have a question for the male readers, can you guys please give me your honest opinions? Okay its about this guy friend of mine (Z) that I knew since elementary school. He is 2 years younger than me and I sort of treated him like a kid brother. After he finished school he happened to land a job at the same company as me. Up to this point everything was platonic. We were just very good friends. And I already had a steady boyfriend back then (L). Part of our work involved traveling to offices in parts of europe several times a year. Last year I was stationed for several months abroad. I already started drifting apart from my bf L a yr ago who never treated me nicely. Now pls don't judge me ok... I ended up having a series of meaningless relationship while abroad. None of them lasted as I had wished. The problem happened when Z discovered about my sleeping around during one of his trips. But he didn't reveal his knowledge though I somehow suspected he knew. He was mostly cold and avoidant. But one day he confronted me saying what he knew, saying he was tired of pretending. I must admit I was relieved after that. He was surprisingly understanding and listened to my problems. He was sort of my new best girl friend and even advised me on my relationship problems... from a guy's perspective. I broke up with L soon after. Though I never got into a long lasting relationship. Z was my buddy (and occasional relationship therapist), but nothing romantic going on.However, recently I realize I had started to have feelings for him. I was never attracted to him previously. And he said at a few occasions that he wasn't attracted to me. Though sometimes I suspect that he has a crush on me but I am not sure. Sometimes I think he might be gay. For the record, he never had any girlfriends and is a virgin (he is already 26). Just to illustrate, he is sort of like the Peter Parker character in the Spiderman movies....in terms on mannerisms and personality, and sort of geeky as well. Anyway I not sure whether he likes me or not, maybe he considers me as just a good friend, since he does have a feminine side. He does talk about his crushes on other women to me, just never about me. Well... I can talk about almost anything to him, things not possible with my other girl friends. The thing I am wondering is he queer or is he pretending. Sometimes I flirt with him and punch him but I he hasn't hit on me yet. I think he might be gay, because sometimes during our trips to Austria we visit the sauna (with other colleagues) he didn't seem physically attracted to me. I get more flirtatious passes even from other people. Once, I even asked him to accompany me to an FKK site since I was afraid to go alone, and he obliged. Nothing further developed though he teased me about our relationship and me calling myself his big sister. I even tease him about being gay but he denies it all the time.I am wondering about the true nature of his relationship with him. I have lots of things in common with him, I can imagine spending my life with him. But if he just wants to be friends than I will just let it be... I don't want to jeopardize our friendship. So pls help me... what do you think? Is he being pretensious... or maybe he considers me promiscuous and wants to avoid being involved emotionally... or maybe he feels our age gap unsuitable (I am 2 yrs older than him)... and how do I encourage him to make his move... maybe he is just shy?... or he is afraid of losing my friendship in case I reject him...
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best friend, broke up, crush, flirt, shy Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2010): FIrstly, you need to establish whether he's gay, or straight, or bi. If you two are very good friends, and it sounds like you are, surely it wouldn't be too difficult to ask him openly 'are you gay?'
Either he is or he isn't (well, there could be a grey area, or he could be bi-curious or 20% gay) but what's wrong with having an honest discussion about it?
There are three possibilities:
1) He's straight.
So he's a virgin and has never had any girlfriends. That's hardly unusual (I'm willing to bet that adult virginity is WAY more commonplace among males than females) especially if he's the shy sensitive type, since males are generally expected to make all the running and do all the pursuing, and in practise, as TTM has pointed out elsewhere, basically 80-90% of the women end up having sex with about 10-20% of the men, usually good-looking confident alpha-male types).
So your question 'how do I encourage him to make his move... maybe he is just shy?' cuts right to the heart of this whole issue: why don't YOU make a move if you're attracted to him? Why should it always be left up to the guy? If you wait on a shy guy to make the first move, you'll be waiting a very long time.
2) He's gay.
'I even tease him about being gay but he denies it all the time'....if he truly is gay, then 'teasing him' isn't a good way to get him to be truthful about it. Gay guys have a hard enough time learning to accept their sexual identity without society giving us the constant impression it's something to be ashamed of, so 'teasing' him on the subject isn't very nice even if you don't mean any harm by it.
If you feel like he's 'sort of my new best girl friend', then talk to him the way you would your other girl friends, sympathetically and without putting him down (something like 'be honest with me, do you like men?' would be a lot nicer than 'look here, are you queer or what?')
3) He's bi. In which case, you will need to combine elements of Approach 1 and Approach 2 once you've decided whether you want to be his girlfriend/fag-hag/a bit of both.
Good luck, keep us informed!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2010): Have you considered that maybe he just isn't attracted to you? Or the possibility that a man could not be attracted to you and still be straight? That just maybe, every single straight man in the world does not actually want to have sex with you?
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A
female
reader, LibertarianLou  +, writes (19 January 2010):
Ask him. Not about him being gay (does it actually matter? All you need to know is, does he feel the same or not?)
My best friend of many many years told me he had been in love with me for, well, ever. I always thought he was gay. I had to tell him I didn't feel the same. It was a bit awkward and he persisted for a bit but eventually accepted it. We are still best friend, and I do love him to bits - just not in that way, unfortunately (he's a great guy and I wish I did!).
If your friendship is as strong as it sounds, it'll survive. He'll probably be incredibly flattered either way. He doesn't sound like a jerk so he's unlikely to just use you for some quick sex or say anything bad etc... More likely if he doesn't feel the same he'll be mildly embarrassed. If he got sulky when you had some flings (nothing whatsoever wrong with doing this by the way!), unless he's a really jugmental type, it sounds like he might have been a bit jealous. If he's shy perhaps he doesn't think he has a chance if you've got lots of other stuff going on in that area of your life.
But if he calls himself your big sister etc, that's a sign to me that he's laying boundaries. It might, of course, be an invitation for you to contradict him.
But just ask him. No pressure, just be friendly and happy and warm. At least you will stop wondering! Who knows how you'll feel in ten fifteen thirty fifty years time if you never even try?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2010): You flirt by punching him and calling him gay. Way to go big sis!
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