A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I really need your advice!I'm in my late 20's. I work in a chartered accountancy firm and my job is boring. I start counting down the minutes till 5 from the second I sit down. I know that's wrong and I should be grateful to have a job in these economic times, and I am, but it doesn't change the fact it doesn't challenge me at all.. and sitting at that desk for 8+ hours, working through tedious database procedures, I feel like I'm in prison.My job is money. It pays the bills. That's it. I'm in my late 20's and I'm surrounded by dedicated early twenty-somethings working toward their papers. When it's 5.00, I can't wait to get out of there. I sprint out the door before someone can ask me to attend some out-of-work function or try and tie down my time. There always seems to be SOMETHING on outside of work that we're expected to attend! There's a movie night for charity one night, a BBQ the next.. an event on the weekend we're "encouraged" to be at.. or an early morning breakfast an hour before we start work, so we can "learn more about our clients". If I'm not being asked to some out of work function, there's some linen night with someone from work, or I'm cooerced into Friday night drinks with all the work crowd, who, after 15 minutes in the bar, look just as bored and desperate to get out that I am! If I'm not being pressed to attend some out of work thing by work people, I'm being asked to give money to charity for the company.. or to donate to a staff member's wedding. It just seems that it's impossible to do my job, within the hours I'm paid, and keep my personal life seperate!! I've recently moved in with my partner. We're running a big house.. and it's been quite an adjustment. We've been together a long time, but living together is new. We're definitely past the hot and heavy honeymoon phase.. and half the time we're home together on weeknights, after a cycle along the seafront, or a swim, we're happy to just do our own thing. But I absolutely cherish and savour my timeout. I love spending my time with him, or just on my own, listening to my music.. pottering with housework.. and experimenting in the kitchen! I can't get enough of that time! And I feel angry that everywhere I turn, it feels like people try to take that away.I've gotten to the point where I've stopped planning anything on my weekends. I still socialise with friends, if we feel like it on the day.. we'll suggest that we do something.. but I hate having all my spare time booked up with things... where you feel tied to commitments. I used to be a person that did two yoga classes a week.. the gym.. dancing classes.. courses.. but I've never felt more relaxed leaving my time free and flexible, as I do now.I like the people I work with.. but I want them to stay my workmates. I like looking forward to a free weekend to do my own thing.. whatever that may be.. whether it's just sitting quietly and reading a book. I feel like I need that space, that time to breathe.. especially hating my job as much as I do!! Everyone else at my work relishes the opportunity to be with other work people. They flat together, eat lunch together, when it's Friday.. I just want to get the hell out.. yet they head to the pub together! On the weekend, they hang out together or go to some function.. play sport together.. I couldn't stand living like that!!! 40-45 hours a week with them is enough! I feel like wanting my own space.. and trying desperately to keep my spare time my own, that I come across selfish and antisocial to people. I don't want people to think I consider myself better, or that I'm a snob. It's not about them at all.. it's just about me trying to enjoy my life and savour my spare time as much as possible.I'm 29 now.. I am 6 years older than most of the people at my work.. and I feel like I've had my years of people-pleasing and attending all these functions.. and worrying about letting others down.. or hurting feelings.. and all I did was make myself miserable and let others take over my ME time.Do you think my attitude is wrong at all? I have an open mind. Let me know your thoughts.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2012): no you're not wrong for feeling the way you do, your feelings are neither right nor wrong, they just are there. They are a wake up call that you should change something about your life though.
Some people work to live and find their life's mission and satisfaction in other activities not related to what they do for their paycheck. others (like artists, entrepreneurs, other people passionate about their work) live to work. One is not better than the other. the only thing that matters it that you are living a healthy and satisfying life.
But just because you work to live rather than live to work, it doesn't mean you have to be feeling miserable at work either. your life would be so much better if being at work felt plain neutral rather than toxic and negative to you. since you spend the majority of your waking hours at work, it's important to not be chronically unhappy at work even though you dont' live to work.
It sounds like there are two issues in your situation: lack of boundaries so you feel "robbed" of your off-duty time, and feeling like you don't fit in with the rest of your coworkers because you're older than them. Both issues can definitely contribute to an unhappy work situation regardless of whether you live to work or work to live. These issues are also inter-related. If you enjoyed being around your coworkers more - like if they were genuine friends not just coworkers or if you had more in common with them - the after-work functions wouldn't be so intolerable.
by the way, I have many good friends who started off as people from work. Just because you know each other from work doesnt' mean you have to separate them from your personal life (not unless it's a romantic involvement and one of you is the supervisor of the other!). but there are also people from work that I get along with very well but have no desire to socialize with outside of work. It just depends.
I tend to often hang out with friends from work, but I very seldom attend organized after-work functions. The difference is that when I hang out with my friends from work, it's not centered around work, we're just friends hanging out. We dont' talk about work during that time. But official organized after-work functions, I dont' mind them but I just don't really benefit from them much.
I feel the same way you do about my time being 'robbed' by other people and I'm resentful as heck. But with me it's not from work. I actually am one of those people who live to work, I love my job and am very passionate about it. instead, it's my family and my husband's family who are 'robbing' my time. Every weekend there are demands that I spend my time attending THEIR events and functions and get togethers or do stuff with or for them. And if I decline they get angry and manipulative. It's been about 10 years that I've been having my time robbed by them and sometimes I just feel so resentful and upset and dread the weekends. Lately I reached a breaking point and started setting boundaries and saying NO and sticking by it. I think you need to do the same. If you don't want to spend your free time with people from work, then don't! What about the fall out, you say? Ah yes...you have been trying to avoid fall out by doing what was expected or requested of you. But you didn't really avoid fall out did you, since you're so miserable.
I think you should just stop attending those dreaded after-work functions. If you would get fired because you didn't attend after-work functions, then this isn't a good organization to be working for anyway. You could find a different job that will better respect its employees rights and boundaries.
A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (4 April 2012):
 First watch office space. Youll cheer the **** up lol. Second yes time to find a new job. Start looking n dont quit til u have one lined up. Youre clearly unhappy prob unmotivated borderline depressed
. just two many red flags. I hear u about the afterwork activities n happy hour. I used to turn those down all the time n go to the gym instead. My coworkers laughed but im big n well they r small n nothing compared to.me physically. Do ur own thing n forget ppl. They may silently judge u but who cares. Tell ur husband about this n ask for his support thatll motivate u to find another job before lumberg asks u to.come in on saturday lol
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2012): I believe there is nothing wrong with you wanting to keep your work and private life separate, especially as you feel as you do about work.
That is the easy and short answer.
Now to go a bit deeper - why did you choose that career? Was it by choice, or default? What made you go in that line? someone else suggesting it, or you picking it? Was it always like that? Is there anything else going on in your life, that is making you depressed?
Look into those questions and see if you can answer them. Justify the reasons, and see if there is anything you can change. We spend most of our time at work, so it should be fulfilling and exciting, some of the time.
If you were told you had a terminal disease and were going to die in a month, what would you change? Think with THAT mindset, and see if it challenges you out of your comfort zone. To find something you are really passionate about, not just what pays the bills. Perhaps it's something you could do as an extra to work, that would make everything else exciting.
You are enjoying your partner living with you, the free time you have, and you should cherish that. Nothing says you must attend the work functions. Work is your career, but there is much life to be lived after work. Say you have alternative plans with your partner, be it sport or other functions you had to attend with him. You don't owe them anything except giving your best towards your actual work. Find out if there are additional projects you can take on, or anything else that will challenge you and make you excited again at work.
I am also very guarded about my free time. I pick and choose, but make sure I have the necessary down time I need, whether to spend with my boyfriend, family, friends or my interests of sport, movies, music, reading, etc. I give my all 8-5, but after that, it's MY LIFE :)
Hope this helps!
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (4 April 2012):
 I think I would find that claustrophobic as well. I think you need to start feeling comfortable saying no to the linen functions and even drinks with the group. you are not obligated to do these things, and they obviously click in a way that makes them WANT to hang out with each other. If being around them is just depressing/work pt. ii, just don't do it. I'm not sure about the breakfast and the other charity functions as much because I don't know the details of your job but it depends on what you think you can get away with without it jeopardizing your job. Try to look around and see how many others at your level are still attending these functions. If the charity event is not something you all or your clients put on, I don't think you need to be there unless you want to.
I think that the job world can be very soul-crushing, and there's no guarantees a new position would be better. We are only here for a certain span of time and that idea gets subsumed by the corporate world because if we think about that, then none of us would work, we would try to cherish our time here even more. The more time we get to be happy the better because we get money to make ourselves keep going but eventually our bodies tell us we are finished anyway and we die. I do not blame you for running away at the end of the day. Value your you-time and your time with your love, and don't let anyone take that time away from you because you have limited time here!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2012): Im only a few years younger than you and im pretty much the same. I work to live not live to work.
I dont think your attitude is all wrong. Lots of people prefer their interests to be out side of work. I have no desire to do after work drinks on a Friday night. I want to go and do my own thing!
I'd just say that, even though the job is boring, still try to make the most of it. If you are in a fairly stable job, think your self lucky and just go in, do the job and go home and then you start to have fun! If you get paid well, that is also a bonus. You can still always look for other jobs if you are financially stable.
If people ask you to stuff, just say you have plans. If it is not required for your job to attend you dont have to.
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