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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I'm currently on maternity leave with a beautiful 8 month old boy. I return to work in 6 weeks but I'm getting annoyed with my partner and I'm not sure if it is justified or if I'm overreacting.The first issue I have is he keeps making comments about how he works but I don't, for example, I'll make a comment that I'm tired and he'll say how can I be seeing as hes been at work and I've not done anything. Now I'm on maternity leave so although I dont return to work for another 6 weeks, I spend all day every day caring for our son, doing housework and cooking - he doesn't lift a finger on the days he works. I tell him I'm tired because I've not slept past 6am in 8 months (yes he gets up at 5am on the 12 days a month he works but the other days he lies in until 11am to catch up on sleep), and although our son is in no way a difficult baby (apart from the odd grumpy day or when hes teething), its constant work looking after him as I can't leave him unattended. Sometimes due to my partners shifts Im on my own 24hr a day for a week and I do feel drained doing everything by myself. My partner has never spent a whole day just him and our son as when he has him for a few hours to give me a break, he always takes him to his mums whom of course does everything with our son. He's never done it alone for a whole day from start to finish (I do not have any family nearby to visit for a day). Yet my partner says looking after our son is a pleasure and not "work" so I feel like I shouldn't feel as tired as I am and that I've had it easy being on maternity leave and shouldn't moan. Of course I love looking after him and am dreading leaving him when I go back to work, but is maternity leave truly and rightly so seen as a 9 month holiday for mums?My second issue is a trivial one but its really bugging me. I know my partners feet hurt when hes been at work for a day because of the equipment he wears and is standing for 12 hours and i do give him 2-3 footmassages a week. But when I don't want to give him one he sulks, gets angry or guilt trips me about how hes been at work all day and I've not. The more he sulks the more angry with him i get and sometimes i give in and give him one just to shut him up but sometimes i don't, like tonight ive not because ive been up since 5.30 and quite frankly i don't want to. Yet hes been off work today and is now sulking and barely speaking to me because i said no. Hes not even come to bed yet because hes angry at me. Yet i know he works hard to provide the main source of income whilst im on leave so do i owe him these foot massages? Am i being selfish over this all? Please be honest because i don't know if my anger is justified.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (20 March 2015):
 OP: You have my permission to show this (my) reply to hubby.... 'cuz it's really a note to him. To wit:
Hey Hubby,
Caring for a home and a child IS full-time work. Cut the crap of nagging wifey that she "doesn't do anything (work) all day." Just for the record... SHE is working WITHOUT being paid!!!! AND, IF she gives you a foot massage, sometimes, COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS... and keep quiet if/when she doesn't. As an alternative... how about you dig in to your pocket and get a few bucks and buy yourself one of the many foot massage mechanisms that are available????? (I used to be a basketball referee... worked up to 6 (!) Rec-league games on Saturdays.... and found a foot massage-bath was delightful for relief from the fatigue of being on those feet all day....)
Good luck to the two of you...
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 March 2015):
 You anger is VERY justified. I'd be pissed.
My husband said something along the same lines after our first child was born (I was a SAHM - not quite by choice) but what he FAILED to notice is that not only did I take care of the baby (who by the way BARELY slept) I got up and made him breakfast, I cleaned the house while he was gone, went shopping, took care of the little one, had dinner ready when he got home. Well, I got sick (I was hospitalized for 3 days) and HE had to take care of her all alone.... He got time off work for this. And guess what? I came home to a dirt house and a very happy hubby. Happy because HE could go back to work and leave ALL the "work" to me.... Never gave me grief about it again.
As for the foot massages, well I would want to do that if he treats me like what I'm doing has LESS value then what HE is doing. And I CERTAINLY would NOT do them if he tried to "emotionally blackmail" by making me feel I OWE him. What a LOAD of bull crap.
BTW (as for feet) look into Dr Scholls inserts for him.
http://www.drscholls.com/index.aspx?s=1&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_term=dr.%20scholls%20inserts&utm_campaign=P_Branded+4%2F13&utm_content=sVK2pJUoN|dc_pcrid_36191374797
When you go back to work in 6 weeks will he then help around the house? Help with the baby? Or will you have to do ALL that AND work?
I agree you NEED to talk to him about roles of the house and responsibilities.
As things stand you will start to resent him. And I think he is resenting you at the moment too - more out of jealousy then anything else.
IT DRIVES ME BATTY when MEN (mostly) DO NOT appreciate what happens around them - like taking care of a household. They are SO USED to mom taking care of everything and then the GF/Wife that they DO not seem to comprehend what ACTUALLY goes on during the day. My husband took a day of Monday. Which is my "busiest" day of the week. (I like to get the weekly chores out of the way, so Monday it is) and he kept asking me why I didn't just DO this or that another day. Well, I HAVE my schedules, my "order of things" and standards. They JUST take things for granted. Like clean sheets once a week, dinner at 6pm...... and so forth.
Honey, your anger is VERY justified. BUT you won't SOLVE this by being angry. I'd say he ought to TAKE your son for the week end (and NO GOING to mom's) then take care of baby and house for the week end while you get away. SEE how easy that is.
*hugs* momma you are doing good.
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