A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:So, I just caught my long-term boyfriend (1.5 years together, 1 year living together) in a lie and am feeling disappointed and angry at him. He says he lied to spare my feelings, but is this ever a legitimate and forgivable reason for doing so?Here's a bit of background info. My boyfriend is half French, half American. He travels to France every other year or so to visit family members and friends there. I'm also of a mixed cultural background (half Filipino, half American) and sometimes travel home to the Philippines to visit family and friends, as well. These aren't mere vacations, mind you, but a chance to reconnect with our heritage, and are by nature very significant/personal. So, I asked my boyfriend three months ago whether he had ever taken a friend with him to France on one of these trips - because this would've been unprecedented for either of us. His reply, "no, no, it'd be too hard/complicated with my family there." I believed him. Well, yesterday I found out that he lied. I came across irrefutable proof that he and his ex girlfriend traveled there together a few years ago. When I confronted him, he continued to lie, saying "no, what are you talking about - we never went there" but I persisted until he finally broke down and told me the truth. All this time, because of his lie, I was under the impression that I would be the first and only one of his significant others to travel to France with him and meet his extended family. It might sound childish, but I had these fantasies of going there, being embraced by his family, and touring the country with him, as he had supposedly done with no other person. Well, that fantasy has been smashed to bits now. He said the reason for his deliberate lie was to spare my feelings, but in the end his lie caused more pain than the truth would've, had he chosen to tell me when I first asked. I'm obviously upset that he went to France with his ex (who I hate), but even more upset that he lied about it. Should I continue to trust him? If he lied about this to "spare my feelings" what else could he possibly be lying about? We're on the verge of getting engaged, but truthfully, when I found out that he had lied to me, I had the impulse to break up with him. I'm so hurt... He's apologized to me, has reassured me that despite going to inordinate lengths to introduce his ex to his extended family (something he's never even mentioned to me - I have yet to meet his dad, in fact) that I'm the one he wants. ???
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female
reader, scythe  +, writes (5 June 2010):
 Lies do tend to come back and bite us on the bum, don't they?
Your situation reminds me of when I found out my boyfriend had lived with his ex-girlfriend when he was 18. Now, this news may not be shocking, but back then I assumed he moved out of home and straight into the house he was renting with his mates. And he had told me he was not very serious with his ex.
Luckily for him (and for me too I guess) he let me know this fact a day before a well-meaning sibling would have outed the lie in general conversation over dinner. That would have been awkward.. think: me "you never told me you LIVED with her...!"
The point of me sharing this with you, is that when our partners lie about exes, I believe they honestly do it to spare our feelings. It is with good intentions. However, it doesn't mean you can't feel hurt and humiliated. You have every right to feel this way.
At the end of the day, all I can say is make sure you talk to your partner about how this made you feel. Ensure he knows the effect of this well-intended lie. Perhpas he won't be so quick to 'spare your feelings' next time.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2010): Many thanks to all who responded.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2010): Hi, this is the author, again. I had never spoken to my boyfriend about traveling to France together before. I mean, I expressed interest in French culture and said that I would like to visit, but I wasn't openly daydreaming about how wonderful it would be to go there with him. I'm just disappointed, you know, especially as this (taking your SO abroad to meet your extended family) is a big deal to me. I've never done this, and would probably wait until my boyfriend and I were married to introduce him to my family in the Philippines. Maybe it's not as big of a deal to him as it is to me, but then why add the comment about traveling with friends being too complicated because of family/familial obligations?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2010): Hi - this is the author. The thing is, I wouldn't have had these fantasies about going to France with him had he told me the truth from the beginning. I try not to make assumptions in my relationship, so when I asked him if he had ever gone there with anyone who wasn't family, I took his answer to be the truth.
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A
female
reader, raiders  +, writes (4 June 2010):
 You said this was your dream your fantasy he is probably telling you the truth he wanted to spared you from what you would feel to find out you weren't the first.
I think he lied but I don't think it should be a big deal, see your boyfriend was probably right in not wanting to tell you the truth you acted as he expected you to act.
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